Hi Melinda,
Yay for your Dad to step up and quietly draw a line in the sand when it came to your neighbors after losing your first husband. I so wish I'd had someone who had my back when Len passed away. Although I felt that I was able to take on anything, I was totally surprised that people would take advantage of me knowing I'd suffered a double loss. The only word that comes to mind is 'pathetic'. Even the neighbor that caught the guy stealing, who we had known for over 20 years, suddenly stopped coming over after I realized that someone had cleared a space to be able to climb into my garage and steal things and I had a friend of Len's board it up. He hasn't come near since and I can see him watching from his house. I've heard from old neighbors that he has been caught stealing from the yards of some of his closest friends. Very sad.
Sometime's it's very hard to step outside of what is going on and see things through someone else's eyes. Emotions are high and anger plays a huge role. I'm guessing that Stan is reacting to you differently now that you have pushed the anger aside and are showing him that you love him. He's probably been putting on a front for you but I'm sure he's like a frightened little boy and needs some reassurance that you will be there until the end. I know with Len that it took 23 years and the fact that I stood by him as he got sicker and sicker for him to believe that I actually loved him. You saying that Stan is changing so much reminds me of how one day I looked at Len and saw that something in his face had changed overnight. No one else could see what I saw but I just knew that time was running out.
I have a feeling that Stan knows that he is dying but is determined to not give into any thoughts of it. Hopefully by the time that Stan is getting near the end, he will have enough pain killers in him to ease the way. Possibly he will be given medication that will keep him calm. I can still remember Len being so drugged up that he'd get himself to the bathroom and it would take me half an hour to convince him to come out because he kept falling asleep in there and he'd just chuckle everytime I'd call him and say 'Yea hon, I'm coming out'. It was frustrating but in a strange way it was endearing. Eventually he was unable to get out of bed and for the most part he seemed quite calm and mostly slept. I know that it plays out differently with each person and some may just suddenly pass away without warning. I guess in a way for the survivors it's probably good that we don't have a crystal ball to see how it will play out.
Living alone for me has been quite the learning experience. Although I have my daughters they are rarely home so I spend a lot of time by myself. It's taken me this past year and a half to be able to accept the quiet. Not having someone to discuss things with or lean on has been the biggest challenge. I've gained strength from it but I still feel very lonely. I miss having a male perspective on things. Maybe someday I will be able to open my heart to someone else but not now, not yet. At least for today I was able to finally take Len's shoes out from under the desk and put them away. That in itself was a huge move ahead.
As for the recipe boxes, it definitely brought back so many emotions. I also found a journal he kept when I was pregnant with our first born and he had gone to the canary islands on a boat race that had been preplanned. I smiled while the tears poured down my face as I read it. I don't think I ever truly appreciated how much that man loved me.
I hope that you are okay with me checking in with you every week. If not, please let me know because I don't want to bother you.
Hugs,
Tracie