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Mourning and step families 
Started by JennJilks
08 Feb 2014, 12:18 PM

My current husband is waiting to hear about the pathology from his prostate surgery.
I'm exhausted being caregiver. 

Last Sunday, my ex-husband collapsed with a heart attack, while my daughter was visiting. She told her step-mother to diall 911, but the woman didn't know how. She has dementia. My ex was taken to hospital, after they revived him. He wasn't breathing. 
He died after 48 hours.
My three adult children are in deep grief. I cannot see them as I 've been busy with my husband.
My daughter phoned to let me know I wasn't welcome at the funeral. Her step-mom didn't want me there. I was devastated.
My daughter has been caring for her step-mother in her home, as well as housing my son from Vancouver. My youngest son isn't doing well. He isn't coping.
They all have significant others, my kids. Which is fortunate.
My daughter phoned back, her step-mother now thinks it'd be OK if I was there.
I was married to this man from 1976 - 1993. He was my 2nd boyfriend. 
I am angry. Unable to share my grief with my family, as they are otherwise occupied.
I feel alone and neglected. I've been up so many nights when hubby's catheter became entangled, or I needed to help him with something. I'm just tired out.

I needed to vent. Thank you, all, for listening. 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
08 Feb 2014, 5:27 PM

Dear Jenn

What a tough time.  I wish I could come and spend the night so you could get some rest.  We have known each other only a short time but you strike me as a strong, resilient, independent woman.  However strong people need help too and it sounds like family is not really able to help at this time.

I am not sure what the health system is like where you live – is there someone you could contact to get services (if that is something you would want)? You have worked at helping so many people – is there someone(s) who could help you? I am concerned that if you have to manage everything on your own, you might get ill too.  

Have you read Xenia’s post, how to deal with an ongoing illness and drs. telling you husband has 6 month to live.  I know your situations are not the same, but perhaps reading her and others’ posts there would help support you.

And Jenn, I want to express my sympathy to you - a man you loved, married and had children with has died. That is a great loss.
Take care. I will be thinking about you.

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Reply by JennJilks
08 Feb 2014, 11:06 PM

Katherine, it was a fabulous funeral. My granddaughter handed her uncle a tissue. It was such a moment. I know I raised wonderful children, it lives on in my granddaughters.
We await pathology, in the meantime. And hubby #2 has sciatica. I feel so badly for him!
I came home and went for a lovely snowshoe in our forest. It was excellent therapy.
Then, I emptied the dishwasher (usually his job) only to find we had enough dishes for a new run.
I do the outside chores, he usually does the inside ones.
At this point, I'd just like to sleep through th night. I'm managing chores, as long as we don't have another dump of snow.
I am one of our local hospice volunteers, ironically enough.
I just have to do what I can for me, and let go the chores as needed.
I'm rather happy to have gotten through the day. 
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Reply by JennJilks
12 Feb 2014, 5:00 PM

Well, the surgeon phoned and the good news is that he's gotten all of the cancerous tissue. I can get my mojo back and get back into my volunteer hospice work, once I manage some more sleep. I've done so much research, planning, preparing and can relax. No radiation, after all.
 cancerous cell division 'normal' cells
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
13 Feb 2014, 2:00 AM

That's great news Jenn. Do take some time to catch up on your sleep. It's been a haul. 
Sleep well.
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