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Husband wants it over 
Started by April01
22 Oct 2015, 12:38 AM
My husband told me today that he just wants this all over. My heart broke but I understand. His pain his not getting under control, pain meds every hour. I do not  him to suffer anymore but I am afraid of life after he is gone. Such mixed emotions. He told me he is not afraid to die, he just does not want to leave me. Tears just will not stop. I know I have to tell him that I will be ok but I am not sure of that. 
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Reply by KathCull_admin
22 Oct 2015, 3:44 AM
Dear April01

Perhaps it will be of some comfort that you and your husband are able to talk with each other - about important things in life. Would what you have written above be something you could talk with him about?

Not sure if you have read the thread So glad I have found you all - I wondered if you might find it helpful. I am glad you posted to your earlier thread as well April01.

My husband had symptoms that were very difficult to control as well and he too was ready to die. I didn't want him to leave me, but I too didn't want him to suffer any more. I knew that he would never have the life he had before. 

I am thinking of you both tonight.  
Katherine
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Reply by April01
22 Oct 2015, 12:02 PM
Thank you Katherine
we had a talk at three this morning. I told him that I did not want him to suffer anymore and I know he is ready for it to be over with. I also told him that I did not want him to go but when it happens I will be ok. He seemed relieved. We both cried but at least I have given him permission to go. Seems hard but it was something I had to do. Hard times.
April 
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Reply by Carlyn
23 Oct 2015, 3:25 PM
Hi April01 and Katherine,

My thoughts are with you. 
 
Carlyn 
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Reply by April01
23 Oct 2015, 6:14 PM
Eric's doctor just told me today to contact the funeral home so they can be prepared to come here to get him when the time comes. The palliative doctor says not today or tomorrow but soon. The family doctor says it is going to be soon. My heart is so broken but I do not want him to suffer anymore than he has already. I feel so guilty with my feelings but at the same time it is so hard to watch him be so weak and in pain. Thanks for being here. The tears just do not want to stop these days.
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Reply by KathCull_admin
25 Oct 2015, 12:28 AM
Hi April01
I have copied and pasted a post below that is from Myblueeyedman (MBEM).  I will post a link to her thread below.
Katherine

Hello all,
Katherine I am so sorry for your loss. It's a difficult road, there will be many ups and downs......I've cried so much in the past 9 months. I am still amazed that I still have tears left.....they still fall. my advice is to find that person who will listen and keep listening to your pain of the loss of your husband. And when you feel the need to cry, cry away.....it truly helps. And talk to your husband if it helps, it does for me. And don't listen to people who say it's been months you should be over it......as I know you never get over it. It just gets softer and you learn to live without them. Time heals very slowly.....take as long as you need. I still say goodnight hunny every night and tell him I love you 😊.
April01, quality time with your husband is what you have.....show him love in all the ways you can.....Also take time for yourself also as you will need breaks......if not, your tiredness will affect your quality time with your husband. This time you have together is very special. if you can, sleep in the same bed even at the hospital......that time is also a gift. Tell him u love him.
For me, my hunnys headstone arrived at his resting place, I have days that I wish we picked out the headstone together. I guess it is a hard very hard topic to talk about . I wish I was stronger, but I had hoped deep down that his death wouldn't occur......I knew it would, but it happened to soon. 
I miss him like crazy still, and I will miss him until the day I pass. Then I will see him again and I will give him the biggest hug and kiss ever.
love and hugs sent to all and bigger ones for you katherine and April01
mbem
 
MBEM thread I lost the man I love.....how do I go on 
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Reply by JennJilks
25 Oct 2015, 1:23 PM
This is a difficult time for you. I understand your guilt: "I feel so guilty with my feelings but at the same time it is so hard to watch him be so weak and in pain."

There are no WRONG feelings. Feelings just are what we feel, that which makes us human. Give yourself permission to examine your feelings, take them out and look at them. They are important to aknowledge. 
What we do about our feelings differentiates us.
Despite your pregrieving, you have done something important for your husband. Something selfess and honourable. I said the same thing to my mother-in-law, 30+ years ago: your daughter will manage without you, she is strong, you've given her all the tools she needs. They worry about you as much as you worry about them. 

Your discussions, frank ones, are important. Hubby and I have had these, as well, especially around the few weeks he was deciding for or against radiation. We decided against it because of potential loss of quality of life issues.
 All the best in this difficult period of your life.
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Reply by April01
26 Oct 2015, 7:52 AM
Here it is, 4:30 in the morning and Eric can not get settled. He is sleep (pain) walking and he is constantly up and down. I bought him a lift chair and right now I am regretting it. Lol. He is always playing with the remote so the chair goes back and forward. He tells me when he is awake that he does not even know he is doing it. When he got really weak I moved our bedroom down in the dining room which is right off of the living room so I hear everything. He can not longer sleep in bed because he says it hurts. Well, funny thing is when he did he actually slept. I do not have the pain so I can only take his word for it but like I said to the doctor, I think he is afraid to go to bed for fear of not waking. My son is coming over for he evening so I can go upstairs and get some sleep. I am so looking forward to that. I hope everyone  doing well and I do hope you all had a great weekend. Mine was busy as lots of family came by to visit. Have a great day.
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Reply by JennJilks
27 Oct 2015, 12:57 PM
April,
I am a hospice volunteer. You can contact your local hospice and they will send someone to sit with your hubby while you sleep. Your CCAC (if you are in Ontario)  will have the contact info. It's a common problem.
I sat 5 hours with a client in the afternoons. I'd take a book and read, or watch TV.
You can also see if healthcare will provide you with someone for pay. They want to keep people, like your husband, out of hospital, as it makes life easier for you. 
All the best. It's very tough, I know. 
J. 
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Reply by Carlyn
31 Oct 2015, 11:04 PM
Hi April01, 

I'm thinking of you and your husband.

JennJilks gave great advice. I hope you are able to try to get additional help at home. I've been there too. It's really worth asking CCAC if help is available.

Sending virtual hugs.

Carlyn 
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