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Will I ever get past this? 
Started by CalgaryJackie
05 Jan 2018, 3:16 AM

It's been 2 years since my husband's unexpected death.  When I cry now, is it self-pity; am I crying for me or for him?  I miss him so much, and I know he is gone and not ever coming back, but I still call out his name.  I was so strong at the time of his death.  I handled all the financial issues in a very cold, analytical fashion; I kept notes of everything the doctors told me; I provided all the required info for the life insurance and taxes and his employer.  Three days after his death, I called our broker to discuss making a final RRSP contribution before the year end.  (he died on Christmas day, 2015)  Did I not grieve yet?  Two years seems like a long time.  Why is this year so much harder than last year?  When will I be able to move on?  I was married at 16 and have never been alone in all my adult life until these last 2 years, and at 58, I don't want to start over. 
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Reply by CaroleD_admin
05 Jan 2018, 11:28 PM

Hi CalgaryJackie,

There is a general expectation in our society to 'get over it' and 'get on' with life.  We are rarely told that grief has it's own agenda until we find ourselves swept away by it.  Whatever you are experiencing is normal for you.  It sounds like you were able to do what needed to be done when your husband was dying and take care of all of the practical arrangements.  Your head and body were doing what they needed to do and now your heart has caught up and it is deeply grieving.  This is perfectly normal.  Be gentle with yourself and know that it takes as much time as it takes.  Grief hasn't subscribed to the cultural 'rule book' that we want it to.  It is wild and unpredictable.  The deeper the love the more profund the grief.  Being married at such a young age and spending your entire adult life with someone who is now gone will take a tremendous amount of reorientation and you may never 'move on' but you will move forward.  
I don't know if you find reading helpful but there is a book called "The Wild Edge of Sorrow" by Francis Weller.  I found it to be particularily helpful with practical excercises and rituals to express my grief.  I also find journaling to be helpful.  I can write without needing to make sense or be coherent.  I have also found it helpful to go back and read what I had written a number of months ago to see the tiny steps I have made.  I have also scribbled out my wild emotions and then burned the paper in a gesture of release.  Whatever works for you, do it and if you choose, please share it with us.  Those of us on the forum who have experienced similar pain send you our support.
Take good care of yourself,

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