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loss of husband 
Started by thatsnotme66
22 Dec 2008, 11:24 PM

Has anyone here recently lose their husband? I an 50 yrs old and would like to chat with someone my age range.I lost mine to cancer on Oct 17 this year.
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Reply by janet_27
05 Jan 2009, 1:19 AM

I lost my husband in May 2008 to bone cancer brought on by return of prostate cancer in 2006. I am 59 years of age, still working, still mourning. Christmas was very difficult. My sister talked me into sticking around for the holidays. I had wanted to just run away.
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Reply by so lost47
28 Oct 2010, 9:25 PM

i truley feel your pain,i lost my husband suddenly in nov 09,it is so hard to go on...i am barley making it
our children are all grown with families of their own...except our 1 grandson whm we raised he is now 14
i am only 47 but we were married 2 mths shy of our 30th we married very young
i stick to myself i have panic attacks when around a crowd, my kids are always saying the want their mother back,i just cant seem to do it.
sometimes it would be nice to have someone to talk to,,,i am tired of talking to my family i feel like i burden them and i have to realize they lost their dad.my heart does not ever stop paining i miss and love him so much....and to make matters worse we were barley on talking terms when he passed
i have great faiyh in GOD
but just cant seem to move foward
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Reply by Brenda_25
05 Nov 2010, 4:40 PM

Losing a spouse can be a very stressful and life-changing event. If the death happens in the midst of strained marriage or family relationships, you may have a variety of conflicting and confusing feelings that are difficult to work through. While others in your family may also be grieving the death, nobody will understand completely what the loss is like for you. Your grief is unique and personal just like your relationship with your husband was.

Grief takes time to work through – in fact, it can take a lifetime. There is no timetable or right way or wrong way to do so. For a time it can feel like there is no room for anything else in your life. As you come to the first anniversary of your husband’s death the pain may feel as acute as it did when he died.

The anniversary of the death is a good time to honour the grief that you still carry. This may include setting aside time to remember what you shared with your husband, both the good times and the not so good. You may find it helpful to light a candle in memory of your husband and to offer a prayer of thanksgiving for all that was good in your relationship. If there are also painful memories, you may also want to pray for release from any guilt or anger that you carry. This could also be a time when you commend your husband to the care of God in a fresh way and ask for God’s healing presence in your own life.

You may want to check with your children and grandson whether they want to help you mark the anniversary of your husband’s death. If some of them do, you could gather at your husband’s gravesite or another place that holds strong memories of him to reminisce together, give thanks, and pray for healing.

Grief work can be a lonely business. Support of each other within the family helps to cut through this loneliness. However, as you indicate, sometimes family support is not enough because you get tired of having your conversations with your family always focused on your loss and you end up feeling like a burden to your children. Sometimes having a friend outside the family who is willing to let you talk as much as you need about your grief is helpful. Many people who have lost spouses find that a spiritual leader, grief counsellor or bereavement support group is able to offer the understanding, support, and guidance they need. We would encourage you to check out the bereavement support services available in your community.

You mentioned that you have a 14-year-old grandson that you and your husband raised. He may also be having difficulties in working through his grief about your husband’s death. However, he is likely to express his grief in ways that are quite different from you. For information that could help you to support him in the loss he feels please check the article “Talking with Children and Youth about Serious Illness” in the Topics section of the Canadian Virtual Hospice website. The section of the article on how youth (13-18) experience death and grief could be particularly helpful.

You report that your children have said that they want their mother back. You express regret that it is so difficult (or seems impossible) to get past the pain of your husband’s death. The continuing grief you experience is not something you need to apologize for. This is a time to be gentle with yourself and to focus on activities that keep you healthy and give you some sense of peace. At the same time it’s good to know that life is not over for you – that you have a family that wants you to be part of their lives. Readiness to share more in the lives of your children and grandchildren without your husband will not likely happen all at once. It will happen over time as you continue to work through all the painful feelings around your husband’s death. Sometimes as you join with them in family activities (even when you don’t feel like it) you may catch little glimmers of an old happiness you experienced with them and feel that life still hold promise for you. We hope so.

Glen Horst, Spiritual Care Advisor and Brenda Hearson, Clinical Nurse Specialist, Canadian Virtual Hospice
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Reply by KERCIN
12 Mar 2011, 9:14 PM

I am 50 and my husband is 51. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in October 2009. He has been through radiation/chemo treatments which did not affect the tumor. What I believe the treatments did tho is extend his life. He stopped all treatment in Dec. of 2010. We are preparing for his death at home as is his wish. I can only imagine right now what my life will be like when he is gone and at times I am afraid of what is to come. But we have wonderful support from family, close friends and the Palliative Care team. He has been a rock through all of this, my wonderful husband. The only regret I will have is that God didn't give me enough time with him. I treasure each and every moment we have together.
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Reply by Plum1
30 Dec 2011, 2:58 PM

Dear Kercin and all other contributors to this sharing,

It is the Christmas/New Year's Season, always a difficult time for those who have lost loved ones recently or in recent years. I am wondering how you are doing? Have you found ways to live through these days with some sense of peace? Have you had any learnings which you would like to share with others? 

Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you and your families.

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Reply by Nada Sharon
24 Jan 2012, 9:38 PM

I lost my husband Andy on Oct 27,2011. He was 50 years old. He'd been fighting lung cancer for 5 years. I am so depressed, I lost my best friend and my soulmate that day. It's so hard to go on without him but I'm trying. I just came from the Dr. who prescribed anti-depressants so I'm going to see if they help. Most days I can barely get out of bed. I've also been invited to join a group for people that are grieving the loss of a spouse. It's being held at the hospital where my husband died but I'm not sure I can even go back there. I don't know how to move forward at this point. It hurts so much.
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Reply by cocopham
25 Jan 2012, 1:25 AM

Dear Nada Sharon,

Your pain is felt through your writing and i wouldlike to share that pain with you.
It is still too raw and too deep to be able to handle it by yourself; may i  suggest that you keep on writing, please write anything that you are going through. There is no shame in expressing your pain and sadness. However, in doing so, with time your pain will be alleviated and the fact that you can share this with those who went thru the same situation will help you to know that out there, there are ladies who also have lost their loved ones (their soulmates)...

There are no words that can comfort you at this time, however, please know that there are people who read your lines and emphathize with your deep loss. Someone who has the same experience will share with you her struggles to get back the balance.
Yes you do feel very lonely in your pain, we all feel that way, because it is so very personal. Please know that prayers are going your way to help you through this darkness.
A candle will be lit to ask for special favour from St-Joseph on your behalf.
Please dont stop writing, thank you.
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Reply by Cath1
25 Jan 2012, 2:12 AM

Dear Nada Sharon:

I had responded earlier this evening to your heartfelt post but I think I pressed reply instead of submit and it disappeared. I'm so happy to see that cocopham has replied to you since then as it is such a lonely feeling to reach out without a response. The moments of silence can maginify the ever present roar of our sorrow, and yet sometimes it is the silence we week as we heal.

I feel so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband, your soulmate and best friend. The words you chose to describe him speaks tenderly about how precious he is to you and it is completely understandable that you are struggling to cope with such a significant and life changing event.

A couple of things from your post stand out to me and I believe they deserve to be focused on because of their importance. One is the fact that you are able to reach out to others by writing how you are feeling and that takes so much effort when your heart is breaking and I so admire your courage. The second remarkable thing is that even though you acknowledge the fact that it is difficult for you to carry on without your husband by your side, you are trying, Keep trying, Nada Sharon, and the pain will lesson with time. I know that seems like useless advice when time in this moment seems endless as each moment of sadness seems to pass like an hour and all the hours and days seem to drag on indefinitely with no real relief in sight, but it will come, I promise. Your loss is so achingly fresh and the emptiness you are feeling is of course scary and overwhelming, but that you keep trying is your saving grace, and you will survive the darkness of grief to again feel the warmth of sunlight on your life shining the way for you to follow far into the future. Brighter days will return.

I encourage you to take part in the group at the hospital because it will force you to stay connected to people and life when the temptation can be so great to remain detached from others as we privately nurse our personal wounds. I do understand that you don't want to return to the place where your husband died, but when you feel ready, you may find that facing your fear will help you to overcome it. Only you can make that decision though, and only when and if you feel ready to engage with others. I believe the human contact would benefit you and you would also have a chance to listen to others and to learn from their experiences with sorrow and perhaps they could help support you and show you that life will get easier as you continue to live on. You may feel alone now, but the truth is you are never alone, no matter how you feel as I can guarantee that there are many others who can relate to what you are going though, and feel for you in every aspect of your loss.

Please continue to share your feelings here with us whenever you again feel ready and able. I hope it will help comfort you to know that there are people in the world who care about how you are doing, and who believe that you will get through this tragic time in your life. We are here to listen. 

Take care, Nada Sharon.



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Reply by Plum1
26 Jan 2012, 1:42 AM

Dear Nada Sharon,
I just want to add my support and care for you in this very difficult time. I have not been married, and so cannot really know what it is like to lose a husband and soulmate. But I have listened to many who are experiencing loss, and they have helped me to touch into some of the feelings. It is so very painful! Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you.
It is certainly a support to be able to share with others who can receive your pain and understand. Only you know whether you are ready for a group as is being suggested, or perhaps, at this time, to one person such as a counselor or a spiritual director, or some other confidante. Perhaps you are not ready for the group just now, but will find it helpful at a later time. If you are depressed, it is understandable that everything feels like a huge effort. However, it may be important to push yourself in order to get the help you need, and the assurance that you are not alone. Once you get connected, it may be easier to continue.
You grief is still quite fresh and acute. As you learn about the grieving process, you will realize that it is a mysterious journey which takes time. It will have many valleys and hills, with some moments of sunshine. Gradually, over time, the sun will appear more often, and hope will grow. But it does take time, and patience and gentleness with yourslef and the process will be so important. Your dear husband will be present to you, I am sure, strengthening you and loving you as he always did.
How are you feeling about having reached out here on this forum? I think you have been very courageous and resourceful. Do keep in touch!
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