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Missing my mom 
Started by Tanya99
22 Sep 2012, 3:09 AM
6 days ago I lost my mother. She lost her fight to breast cancer. It was the third bout of cancer she was diagnosed with.

I am so frustrated because she was only 55 and she had a hard life aside from the cancer. She was divorced and my father was neglectful of her and didnt even attend the funeral - despite being married for 25 years. I knew she was terminal for the last three years, but I just didnt think she would really die or she just left too early. I just wanted life to get better for her so badly. To find love again, to enjoy promotions and be able to travel the world. She just deserved so much better.  I wish I could have healed her so badly. She was such a wonderful lady. 
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Reply by Cath1
22 Sep 2012, 1:39 PM
Dear Tanya99:

I am so gald you found us at Virtual Hospice - welcome! Your story brings me to tears and touches me deeply as I understand the great sorrow that fills you - body, mind and soul. My Mom died almost two years ago. You are at the very beginning of your journey into grief after profound loss, yet it sounds like you are already sadly acquainted with sorrow as your Mom was ill for the past few years and I hear the sad sounds of your experience with grief as you recall life's disappointments in her life and yours.

In the first days and weeks after my Mom died I found that my feelings of loss were indeed overwhelming, as are yours now over the unfathomable loss of your Mom. I am so sorry that your Mom lost her life at such a young age and that you are left to carry on living your life without her. 

My father was not present in my life and he provided no suppport to my Mom or to me and my brothers when we were young. That kind of emotional abandonment indeed leaves one with lifelong wounds that are difficult to completely heal.

I am sorry that your father did not attend your Mom's funeral. You have good reason to feel hurt that he chose to stay away as I imagine you would have loved him to be there out of love and respect for your Mom and for you. You needed him to show up but perhaps because of the divorce he felt that he was doing the best thing by staying away - out of his own definition of love and respect. Some people think they can run away from their history or change it by avoiding any reminder of it. It's so hard to know and even harder to judge another person's mind and motives. What you and I think may think of as appropriately considerate behavior to someone else it may be at odds. All you can do is try to forgive others for the ways they let your down and try to let it go because otherwise you will give them the power to hurt you and affect your quality of life long after the offense to your heart. Your healing is what matters most now!
I understand how hurt you feel as you remember the hard life your Mom lived. My Mom had a challenging life too, as she struggled all of her adult life with mental illness and she raised three kids on her own with very little money but lots of love. I know it is painful to dwell on the hardships your sweet Mom endured, but I have found it helpful for me to work on focusing on all the positive things my Mom experienced in her life and those memories give me much more comfort than pain. I hope you will find a way to focus your thoughts and your memories of your Mom on her happiest moments, those spent with you, loving you while hoping to survive the cancer to live on for you!

Cancer does not care how much one fights it, as it will be healed or claim lives at random. There is nothing your Mom could have done differently and certainly nothing you could have done to prevent her from dying. If wishes could cure one of cancer, I know your wishes for your Mom would have healed her but we are all only human and we do not have the power to cure illness, but we do have the power to console those we see suffering with our unconditional love. I don't know you Tanya99, but from your words I can tell that you have a very deep love for your Mom and as a mother, I can tell you that your Mom knew your heart and how it beats loyally and lastingly for her! You were her best dream come true and I am sure she would have gladly given up all of her dreams to see you live out yours!

Please continue to share your story with us as you take small steps toward healing. You will heal, in time, with the love and support of others. People often tell me that my Mom would be so proud of me and it makes me feel good inside to think it. I am telling you now that your Mom would be so incredibly proud of you and I hope that knowledge gives you the strength you need to carry on as you begin to heal. There is no doubt the love your shared with your Mom lives on!You are not alone, Tanya99 - we are with you!:)

With affection -xo- hugs
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Reply by Cath1
22 Sep 2012, 1:42 PM
Hi Tanya99:

Correction:   I am so glad you found us at Virtual Hospice - welcome!:)

I am slightly dyslexic and notorious for typos!:)

With affection -xo -hugs
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Reply by Cath1
22 Sep 2012, 2:17 PM
Dear Tanya99:

My late mother's birthday was this week on September 19th. A friend shared this poem with me and I want to share it with you and for all those like you and I who are missing their Moms. I think it is a touching tribute to the power of a mother's eternal love.


Your Mother is always with you.
She’s the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.
She’s the smell of certain foods you remember,
Flowers you pick and perfume that she wore.
She’s the cool hand on your brow
when you’re not feeling well.
She’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep
- the colours of a rainbow.
She is Christmas morning.
Your mother lives inside your laughter.
And she is crystallized in every tear drop.
A Mother shows every emotion -
happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy, love, hate, anger,
helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow –
and all the while
hoping and praying
you will only know the good feelings in life.
She’s the place you came from, your first home,
and she’s the map you follow with every step you take.
She’s your first love, your first Friend
and even your first enemy
-but nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, not space, not even death!

(Author Unknown)

Below is a quote that has meaning to me and expresses how I feel about missing my Mom:

"Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.” 
― W.S. Merwin 
With affection -xo- hugs

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Reply by GirlWithTheBlackBeret
29 Sep 2012, 7:37 PM

Hi Tanya99, I’m so sorry to hear about your mom.

Life is so hard. Sometimes, good people are dealt the worse in life. We only want the very best for our loved ones. Instead of thinking about what could have been for your mom, try remembering the good times you shared.

It’s okay to feel frustrated, all kinds of emotions flood in with the death of a loved one.  

Like your Mom, breast cancer took mine. At the time she was sick, I remember thinking “if only love was a cure for cancer” and I so wish it was. Yesterday was the sixth anniversary of my Mom’s death. Time has passed, the heart-ripped-out-of-chest feeling is gone but the thing that remains is I still miss her terribly.

Hope this helps, GWTBB

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Reply by Cath1
03 Oct 2012, 2:02 AM

I saw in your post about September 28th having been the 6th anniversary of your late Mom's death. I just want to send you a big hug and to thank you once again for sharing with me your words of empathy and experience when I was freshly grieving my late Mom's death. I am finding you are right that while the sharpness of the pain lessens with time, it never completely leaves. The "heart-ripped-out-of-chest" feeling is a perfect description of raw grief. 

As you ae missing your Mom and I am missing mine, it makes me feel better to know we are not alone and that we have one another and others who have experienced the evolving nature of sorrow. I don't know if any of us will ever completely understand it.

You are in my thoughts and my heart tonight, as always!:)

With affection -xo- hugs
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Reply by highlanddancermom40
03 Oct 2012, 3:51 AM
Sorry to hear of your Mom passing at such a young age. My sister was 53 years old when she passed away and like your story, hers was similar in that her husband wasn't there for her in the end...instead he was partying and riding his motorcycle. He told my parents they were crazy for staying there with her, almost implying that it was a waste of their time. Some say that everyone deals with the prospect of death differently, but to me I strongly believe that you should be there for the one you love no matter what they look like or what behaviours they may exhibit prior to. There will be a time when he will need someone and no one will be there for him.
I think of my sister often and never will stop missing her, but I know she lives on inside of me. I am lucky that on my 40th Birthday, we were able to get a few videos of her talking. Short ones, but we're (siblings) able to view them and listen to her sweet voice whenever we feel the need.
Take care and know that it is completely ok to miss your Mom!
Thinking of you,
Highland Dancer Mom 40
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Reply by GirlWithTheBlackBeret
05 Oct 2012, 1:53 AM
Cath1, thank you for your kind words and thoughts. My siblings and I met up on on the 30th and we talked about Mom's passing. My sister-in-law noted that my brother gets in a "funk" each year,starting a week before the anniversary of our Mom's death. My sister then admited that she also gets in a mood that week too. I think each of us has been feeling the exact same way, without knowing each other was going through the same thing.

HighlandDancerMom40, I'm sorry to hear your brother-in-law was so insensitive at such sensitive time. Sometimes, I think people can be emotionally unintelligent. They feel too much, it freaks them out and the react badly. For some when the going gets tough, they just go to avoid it all.

I know my Mom wouldn't want me to continue feeling bad about her death. She was they type of person who always helping others. I feel like I'm carrying on her good works, using my experiences to support others. Finding some good out of a sad situation.  
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Reply by Cath1
12 Oct 2012, 6:22 PM

I can so relate to how cyclical are sad feelings when missing our loved one and sometimes before we are even conscious of a significant milestone approaching the unsettling feelings of sorrow set in again.

I love your last paragraph about how your Mom would want you to be happy and to use your experiences to help others. She would be so proud of you and happy to see that you are following her good example. We are both so fortunate to have had wise and loving mothers whose legacies live on in the lessons they taught us. You are helping many people, GWTBB and your experience of loss makes a difference as you do help others like me know there is hope as we heal. Thank you!:)

With affection -hugs- xo

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