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New Loss 
Started by lind
16 Dec 2012, 1:00 AM

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this group. After a 2.5 year battle with cancer my husband died last week.

I was by his side for all of it and we were a team. There were challenging times but we never gave up hope.  And then the unbelievable happened. It wasn't the cancer that would take his life but a complication due to the cancer treatment..  

The grief was more than I thought I could bear but obviously I was wrong because I did survive his death.  I think I've cried every day since last week. Oh, there are strong times. when I'm with friends but then there are the times when I'm alone and the grief consumes me. And then I think this is it. I have to live my life without my partner and best friend --- my love. How do I do that?

I know nobody really has an answer for this question. And I know the grief experience is unique to everyone. I'm not sure why I'm writing here or what I expect. Maybe it's just to have something to do other than feeling so sad today. It has been one week today.

I wish you all peace with your own particular challenge 
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
16 Dec 2012, 3:13 AM

Dear Lind,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and the intense sadness and pain this causes you. I am, however, glad that you found Virtual Hospice. Welcome!

Welcome to a safe place where you can come any time you need to and know that you can share freely without fear of judgement. You are not alone. In fact, we have a few discussion threads that I think you might wish to read and take part in. Click these links and see if you would like to join in:
I see from reading your profile that you are from Calgary. Do you know about the Calgary Hospice and their bereavement support groups?
I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
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Reply by marstin
16 Dec 2012, 7:49 AM

Hi Lind,

I am happy that you found your way here. For myself,  the support on this site makes the mourning process feel a little less lonely. I lost my husband Len, 5 months ago today to cancer and my mom 7 weeks after that from the stress. As you read through some of the posts on here, I hope it brings you some consolation that you are among friends and many have and are walking this long, lonely road also. After caring for my husband at home in the last month of his life, and to lose him on what was to be our actual wedding day, was a tragedy that I never believed I would survive and yet I am still here. Just be gentle with yourself. It is a fragile time and your emotions are sure to be all over the place. Surround yourself with people that will support you and steer clear of those that although well meaning, tend to need you to prop them up. This is your journey. Just one step at a time.

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Reply by Liticia
16 Dec 2012, 11:46 AM

Hi Lind,

Sorry for your lost,.  I will tell you that for me it as been 6 months and it is still hard to go on  It only takes one person to lean on and cry and will be there at all times for you   First year is hard I think because we go threw with wath happened at last year at this time.  When my husband past away in June, I took a week in the south with one of my good friends just relaxed and cried all week and then went back to work.  For me it was good returning back to work.  Every morning  I put my mask with a smile and when I get back at home I cry often.  

It is hard going on without our partner.  I still miss him so much and you will fing that people around you don t understand your pain  But keep the strength to go on and with christmas coming it is harder.  

Express yourself and talk about him this also helps 

I am not an expert but this is the pain I have and if you want to share more let me know I understand wath you are going threw  It is one day at a time 

Take care of yourself! 

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Reply by Plum1
17 Dec 2012, 2:07 AM

A very warm hello to all three of you very brave women! I am deeply moved by your sharing, your honesty, your reaching out. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your profound losses.

Lind, I too am very glad that you have discovered this site. Here you can find a community of persons who will listen, do their best to undertstand, accept whatever you need to share. You say that writing here may have been helpful just by doing something other than feeling sad. We can often be surprised by what motivates us to reach out. Having taken the risk, I hope you will receive much in return.

Marstin and Liticia have shared their amazement that they are surviving despite their initial sense that they could never bear the pain of their loss and grief. And they are indicating that they have done this by living one step, one moment of a time. And all three of you indicate that you have shed many tears.

Although grief is a journey that is very lonely, all three of you are sensing that support of others is essential to your making it through. I am very glad that you are finding each other, and also finding this site. Please let all on this site know what kind of support will be of help to you.

I hear also the call to be gentle with yourselves. We can have an idea of what "strong" is, and crying and needing help may not fit that picture. I believe, however, that walking vulnerably through the journey of grieving is very strong. You do not know what each day, even each moment of the day, will hold for you. And yet, you get up each morning, and walk into the day. What courage! Even when you feel like you are staggering, and may fall, confused, lost, you continue to put one foot in front of the other. And then, as you say, Marstin and Liticia, you realize that a month has passed, then three, then five, then six! It is in retrospect that you see that you have been strong. In an amazing way that you cannot fully understand, your spirit is carrying your pain and grief.

My heart goes out to each of you! Please share what you are most needing and, always, what you are feeling. Everything is ok to share.

How is each of you coping as Christmas approaches? Do you sense that it is going to be very difficult for you?

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Reply by Liticia
17 Dec 2012, 2:50 AM

Hi Plum1,

With Christmas coming it is not easy.  Last week I went to Vegas with my sister just to do something so that this months goes fast.  We are coming back on Thursday and my brother in law calls to says my husband cat Jenn past away and that same date it was 6 month ago whe he left us.  So it still got me greiving for our cat.  So went to get an urne the next day for the cat at human society and look at the cats that were there.  There was this little cat looking at me and wanted just to play and jumping around so you know what I bought it since yesterday he is with me and it is so nice to have him I called him baby this was my husband surname.    I didn t remimber how active theses little cats are but they put life in the house.

I will be surrounded by loves one of my family on the 24th and 25th is sister told me to come down she lives 2 hours from here.  She told me you have to come down like every year  You need to be with us because he will be with all of us that day like he used too.  I will be going down but it will be hard to go in without him.

I don t went him to be forgotten so I did a calendar with pictures of him each of them are different for each one of them.  He use to put candy in is pocket for is neice and nephew I will continue the tradition.  

You know your grief everyday, I think of him everyday wish he was with me he was 52 and I tought that we were going to enjoy retierment togheter.  We like travelling together now I still travel but I don t choose the dates are were I am going I follow.  Everything is so different.  When you love somebody so much and don t need nothing else around you to be happy hey people not greiving don t understant that pain and pepople goes on living as if nothing happened.

I think crying and not keeping your emotions inside you is good to do.  Sometime people are ackward but you know that we are the one in pain.  I use to drive all around for the last year.  He would buy the coffee at Tims to say thanks  I get my coffee every morning he is not there.

I guess getting up  everyday, go to work helps even if you don t feel like putting your smiley mask for everybody  We are still here and trying to go forward because I am sure that are husbands wants to see us happy but it is difficult I know one day I will be there waitting for me  He had told me during the 8 months he had lung cancer to quit smoking before I get to have cancer and you know what I haven t touch a smoke since 27-10-2012 but I know that he is giving me the force to do it 

Hope everybody is well surranded by their loved ones and hey cry and talk about him I am proud of talking of him and hey if people don t want to listen who cares

As anybody done greiving groups does it help how is it

Sorry for my English I am more french, I had to write something because loosing a husband gets to me now beacause I know about that pain 

Take care!!!Undecided

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Reply by Brayden
17 Dec 2012, 3:29 AM

Dear Liticia,
Please do not hesitate to write in English as you have so much to offer us. We all understand and are more concerned about your grief journay than your English. I know you will get support here. It is so good to hear that you can look forward to Christmas with your family and not hide. Peace
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Reply by lind
17 Dec 2012, 3:51 AM

Hello All,

Thank you all for your thoughful and helpful replies.  I feel that you all have a lot of insight to offer me as I'm walking the very beginning of this path and many of you are a little further along.  

I'm back at work tomorrow and know that this is not going to be easy since hearing all the condolances will make me even more aware of my loss. But people are kind and well meaning  which makes it  a little easier.

I was doing laundry tonight and the simple sight of an article of clothing belonging to my husband brought sadness and tears where there had been only stength earlier today. I miss him with my whole heart.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. It does help.

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Reply by marstin
17 Dec 2012, 6:37 PM

Hi all,

Well today was a little bit unnerving for me. I went over to my mom's to do some work at clearing her house out as I do every few days and as soon as I walked in I knew something wasn't right. As I wandered through, the realization hit me that the house had been broken into. I flew out of there and called my brother and he quickly came over. As him and I went through the house together, a song came on the radio that we keep on, that my youngest daughter listens to all of the time that reminds her of her dad and it says' Heaven's got a plan for you'. I knew that Len was there with me. This song comes on everytime I go in that house lately. Later when my youngest came over the song came on again.In the beginning when he passed, I would go over there and all of the songs that my oldest had recorded for our wedding day would come on the radio back to back. I know I'm not alone.
Lind, I remember when Len first passed away, I would go to the grocery store and be reduced to tears when I would look at something and reach for it only to realize that I was buying it for him and he was no longer around. Although that has eased a bit, there are still so many things that trigger my tears and at moments, feelings of utter hopelessness. I think through this process that I have felt more emotions than I thought I was capable of feeling and it truly is a rollercoaster. The simplist things will bring you to tears or into fits of rage. It is all part of the grief and healing.Here on this site you can share all of your emotions and fears without judgement as many of us are walking this same road.
Take care,
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Reply by Plum1
17 Dec 2012, 8:38 PM

Lind, Liticia and Marstin,
It is wonderful that you are sharing more and more with each other. Your experiences underline how much the journey of grief can be similar. The rollercoaster of feelings, the unexpected moments of emotion brought on by all sorts of triggers, the deep sense of loss, the memories. Lind, I am glad that hearing from others a bit further into their grief experience is of help to you.

All of you speak to the difficulty of encountering others wishing to offer condolences, of the awkwardness of others who do not know how to respond even though they wish to be supportive, the realization that others cannot fully understand your feelings. And yet, you know that you do need the presence of others as support. I hope that each of you will find persons who can be with you however you are at the moment. On this site, we cannot be with you in person, but in an indirect way which is heartfelt. And hopefully safe. None of your days can be easy just now, but perhaps it is a bit more possible to live the pain when feeling understood and accepted as you are.

Grief group experiences can be of great help. However, it is not appropraite to join one until a few months after the death of your loved one. Immediately after the death of your loved one, you may feel numb and not fully able to face the deep loss.Then later, feelings may be too raw as the reality settles into your consciousness. You are still too fragile and not able to be present to the sadness of others. But a time will come when you may feel that you can share in a group and listen to the stories and feelings of others. A group experience can "normalize" all that you are going through. It can be reassuring to know that you are not "crazy" to be feeling all that you feel, to be reacting and thinking as you are. And most of all, the presence of these others reassures you that you are not alone.

You are already experiencing some of this, I hope, in the exchanges you have begun on this site. You may wish to continue the sharing. Or you may need to take some space. Do what seems right for you. We will be here when you feel ready to reach out again.

Some of you have mentioned your plans and invitations for Christmas. Being with loved ones where you can speak of your loved one who has died will be a great gift.  Do you all of plans and places to be at Christmas? Do you know who you can call when you cannot bear to be alone, or when you just need to talk or cry or be held?

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