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I lost my wife a few days ago 
Started by ziplock
21 Apr 2013, 11:46 PM

I have no idea what I am doing. When I am alone I feel paralysed. When I am with friends I just want to show them that I'm okay. I am a very giving person but I have a hard time asking for and accepting help.
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
22 Apr 2013, 1:00 AM

Hi Ziplock,
Welcome to Virtual Hospice. I'm glad you found us. 


Please join the thread Going from WE to ME.... where you'll meet Nanalovesu, PPP, Liticia, Marstin, Mark99 and others. When you post a message there, they will get a notification and will be sure to welcome you. Like you they lost their partners.
Colleen
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Reply by marstin
22 Apr 2013, 1:32 AM

Hi Ziplock,

You have come to the right place to talk. Could you tell us a little more about yourself and your wife and her illness? As Colleen said there are many of us here that have lost our partners and we have found that by talking on here that it makes this process just that little bit easier.

It's been 9 months since I lost my husband and I still find it extremely difficult to ask for or accept help. I have always been the one to help other people not ask them to help me. It's okay, there are no expectations on here just many people to be a virtual shoulder to lean on.  It's a tough road to travel alone and it brings comfort when there are others who understand the emotions that you are going through.

Just know that you are among friends and that if you let us, we will help you through this difficult time in your life.

Tracie
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Reply by NatR
22 Apr 2013, 1:33 AM

Hello Ziplock,

I am sorry to hear of your loss.  I am glad you have found the forum.  You will find others who are dealing with the same feeling of loss..and I have a feeling that you are trying to be strong and not really let others know how you feel.

Here you can safely share your feelings and know that you are among others who understand and can relate.

There are so many to listen and let you know that someone cares.
You will find that sharing your story and your pain is helpful to not only you but also to others who have experienced similar feelings and confusion.

Its okay to say what you think...its okay to vent. Write a note whenever you feel the need.  

Sincerely,
NatR 
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Reply by Brayden
22 Apr 2013, 1:34 AM

Dear Ziplock,
So sorry to hear of your bride passing away just a few days ago. Thanks for sharing that on this forum and I can assure you that you will be heard in confidence and with much support. No wonder you do not know what you are doing at this early stage in your grieving process. You will be finding yourself going through every emotion in your body for some time. I can tell that you will be a strong person through this journey by the mere fact that you see yourself as a giving person. That is awesome. You will however gain so much more support if you could share honestly with your friends and family as to how you are doing and be prepared to let them help you. None of us can go through this on our own strength and it can affect your health etc. Please continue to use this forum as a test run for you and see the responses that you will get. My heart goes out to you.
Brayden
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Reply by ziplock
22 Apr 2013, 1:35 AM

Okay. Thanks. I will introduce myself and my wife on the other thread.
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Reply by Loll
24 Apr 2013, 2:57 AM

So sorry to hear of the loss of your wife, Ziplock.  Your emotions are so fresh and raw right now.  There is no right or wrong for how you are feeling.  Just let your emotions do what they need to do to get through the difficult first stages, and I am sure you will find peace and healing.
I am going to lose my beloved Dad within a few weeks, after being his cargiver for over 6 years. Im going to try super hard to take my own advice, but I know it will be hard.  We will find peace and calm, though.  All of us will, in time.
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Reply by ziplock
25 Apr 2013, 2:44 PM

Loll, I admire your courage right now.  The thought of losing a parent is incomprehendable.  Enjoy every moment you have with your Dad.  You have cared for him for over 6 years so I know you are a very caring and strong person.  Allow others to take care of you right now so you can just be with your Dad.
And stay on this site.  Everyone here is very supportive and understanding.
I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength through this trying time.
Dave
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Reply by Loll
28 Apr 2013, 3:48 PM

Thank you so much Dave.  I think Dad is going to leave us sooner that we originally thought.  We saw him last night and he was very weak.  He could hardly speak.  He's no longer eating solid food, and he's hardly drinking any water.  Only to get meds down, and maybe a sip or two here and there.  He's also begun to sleep a lot and a visit tires him out.  He has lost interest in things.  Hasn't even opened up the bags of goodies I took to him on Wednesday.  The nurse said that this is all part of the natural process.  By that, I assume she means the natural dying process. She thinks that Dad thinks that this is taking too long.  I think he's ready, but it's not happening fast enough for him.
My feelings are so mixed right now.  I don't want him to go, I can't imagine my family's life without him as a fixture in it.  And yet, I don't want him to suffer any more.  More than anything, I want him to be at peace and pain free.  I want to be with him when he passes and I want to hold his hand so he knows that someone who loves him dearly is near.  I have a HUGE fear that I won't make it in time, when I get the call.  I know that sounds selfish on my part, but I can't help it.  It will break my heart if I don't get to say a final goodbye as he's leaving us.
How are you making out?  I hope you are receiving all the support you need through your time of grief, and I hope you have someone nearby that you can lean on when you feel overwhelmed.  Sometimes it's hard to ask for help, I think especially as a man.  Society says you need to be strong and stoic all the time.  Don't let society's expectations prevent you from expressing your grief as you need to.  You obviously adored your wife and you need to experience your sorrow in a way that honours her and the relationship you had.  What was your wife's name? 
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Reply by Brayden
28 Apr 2013, 4:31 PM

Dear Loll,
I get a sense of your anxious moments at this stage of the end for your Dad. If he is in one of our Paliative wards here in Wpg., you should express your concern to the staff so that they will call you in time for you to get to the hospital. The time of the call will probably be in the middle of the night. I would also suggest that as hard as it might be for you, tell your Dad that he is free to die and not have him feel guilty by trying to hang on for you.  A visit should not tire him out if you just let him know of your presence through a hug, kiss, or holding his hand. That is so comforting. I will pray that you will find the necessary strenght thru this stressful time.
Brayden
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