Discussion Forums



My world will never be the same again 
Started by Nikki99
23 Oct 2013, 1:45 AM

As I type this, I can't stop crying. I am struggling so much when I thought I was coping. I found out a few months ago that my Mom has stage 4 cancer. It took me 2 months to get over the shock and now I see her declining and I am so scared. I am scared I won't be able to get through this. I know I need to because I have a little boy. It kills me that he will never know his Grandma. She is the person I tell everything to and I don't know how I am going to go on without her. It feels like I am living a nightmare and my heart has never hurt so much. Why is life so cruel?
Report this post      
 
Reply by moderator | modératrice
23 Oct 2013, 2:31 AM

Hi Nikki,

Unfortunately, I can't answer your question. But I can connect with others in our community who are travelling this same road. Let me start by introducing you to Lilbear. She too has young children and lost both her parents very recently. While her life isn't your life, I bet it will help just to know someone else is out there who "gets" it. You can read Lilbear's most recent post here:

Will I ever really get my mojo back?

On that same thread, you'll also meet other community members Marstin and NatR who have wide shoulders to lean on when you need it. You're not alone Nikki.
Colleen

Report this post      
 
Reply by NatR
23 Oct 2013, 2:19 PM

Dear nikki99,

your heartfelt message is being heard.  Welcome to the forum where you can ask, vent, be angry, be sad, and we will understand.

it sounds to me like you are fairly young with a small child.  Can you tell us who you have around you for support?   To know your mom is so sick and declining rapidly it is hard to take in.

you can send messages anytime, there are lots of brilliant caregivers who have gone through loss and pain.  this is your safe place;) friends are here.

personally I have suffered the loss of both parents, and a brother.  I can tell you it's tough, and grief is individual.  We all handle it in different ways.  But be encouraged, you are going to make it. I and others will "virtually" hold your hand, give you hugs, offer ideas and encouragement.

its like "pen pals with a purpose" giving support to you in your time of need.
sending my thoughts your way,
hugs and write when you can
NatR  
Report this post      
 
Reply by marstin
23 Oct 2013, 3:09 PM

Hi Nikki,

Welcome to a warm and friendly place where you can share all of your emotions and have people who you can lean on. We are as close as your keyboard.

For many of us, our mom's were our best friends. I lost my mom a year ago after losing my husband just weeks before that to cancer. Like you, I shared everything with my mom and was with her every day. Who knows why life is so cruel at times but it certainly is.

Do you have any siblings Nikki? Is your dad still around? Having a support system in place can be a huge help but doesn't always happen. You will find so many people here that are travelling or have travelled this emotional road and will be able to understand your ups and downs. Hopefully, we can make you feel a little less frightened by all of these changes that are happening in your life.

Hugs,
Tracie

Report this post      
 
Reply by Nikki99
23 Oct 2013, 3:18 PM

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I really appreciate it. Life is so cruel. I do have support, my husband is trying as best he can and I have friends and extended family but they do not understand what I am going through. This is why I have come to a support group. My father is not really in my life and I won't hold my breath to have support from him and my brother I barely see as well. So it's just me-I feel like I am going to be all alone when she leaves me :( She has been my everything. Why do ppl like that get taken away? I know it sounds awful but I wish it was my Dad sometimes. This I could deal with and I would have my Mom to lean on. So cruel that is has to be the one person I NEED.
Report this post      
 
Reply by marstin
23 Oct 2013, 4:14 PM

Hi Nikki,

I think it's very difficult for people who have never had to deal with things like this to understand what it's like as much as they try to. When I first came across this site I was totally broken. With both my husband and my mom gone, I was alone except for my two daughters. My life had been dedicated to caring for my mom and raising my daughters. I too have a brother who is incapable of being an active part of my life and my dad passed away over 5 years ago. The learning process has been huge over the past year and I found that those I expected to support me just disappeared and one's that I didn't expect to have any help from have been the ones to step up.

This site I believe saved my life. When I stumbled upon it I was a little unsure about sharing too much but didn't feel like I had much to lose. The people here are incredible and I found that in time that I began reaching out to others just beginning this journey. It's like having someone to lean on who truly knows the emotions that will range from tears and pain to fear and anger. Someone who understands and will support you no matter what. It's a 'circle of friendship' where we all have a common factor, grief.

Hugs,
Tracie
Report this post      
 
Reply by moderator | modératrice
27 Oct 2013, 1:43 PM

Hi Nikki,

How are you doing?

I was scanning our community to find other threads that you may wish to read and post a message to. 
When you post a message, the people posting to that particular thread will receive an email notifying them that a new message has been added.

On these threads, you'll meet andreadzel, GirlWithTheBlackBeret, SeaGlass81, mzmojo, and many more who have walked a similar path. 

Talk soon,
Colleen

Report this post      
 
Reply by Nikki99
28 Oct 2013, 2:32 AM

Thank you for letting me know there are others I can connect with. I have not been doing very well lately. My Mom is now on oxygen and she has been sleeping a lot. I think it is all hitting me again. I am feeling very depressed lately and so alone. I do have support from friends and extended family and my husband but they do not understand. I do not have a father that is able to support me like I need, I barely talk to him and my brother is his usual closed off self. I feel like I am going to be all alone when my Mom is gone and it hurts so much. I keep thinking to myself, why me? I feel so resentful to all my friends around me that have their families, they will never understand the feeling of being ALONE. I hate feeling like this but I can't help it. Lately I feel like my heart is slowly breaking in a million pieces. How do I get through this when I haven't even lost her yet?
Report this post      
 
Reply by NatR
28 Oct 2013, 2:51 AM

Dear Nikki,

i had had to reply, I don't know you or your situation, or even your age.
but I wanted you to know that you have far more strength than you think.  That you are like many others, me for example, I can relate to what you say about a distant father, closed off brother, and more.

you are going to make it.  You are going to discover that your mom gave you a lot, that she taught you how to survive, how to bend in the wind and snap back to position.  She taught you many things, most of all she loved you.

our parents can do some things, but sooner or later we all find out that we have to fly alone.
no, it's not fair, no, we aren't ready, no, we don't want to go through loss.

believe me, I can hear your words, I know you are feeling lost.  It's not going to be easy, but you are going to get through this.  Who else can you reach out to? this is the time to lean on those who can support.  I know your husband is there for you.  Anyone else?

someone here will always try and answer.
it may seem that strangers you never met can't possibly know how you feel.  But, we all have lost family, or have experiences that relate.

i want you to know that you are doing right by your mom.  Keep doing what you can, being there, holding her hand, speaking to her, watching over her.  it's not easy.  It's not something you can change.  I think that's the hardest, wishing we can stop the process.

holding your hand from a distance,
NatR 
Report this post      
 
Reply by marstin
29 Oct 2013, 12:24 AM

Hi Nikki,

You have already started the gireving process although your mom is still with you. I remember sitting by my mom's side just weeks after my husband passed away and knowing that I was going to lose her too. It is such a frightening thing to watch the people we love slowly slip away from us. As you have a young son, I would guess that you aren't very old yourself and that this makes it even more difficult for you. I know for my daughter's their true heartbreak is that their dad will never get to see them get married or have children of their own.

As NatR said, you are going to make it but your life will change so much. It is a tough road and I understand that when you can't lean on your family for support you can feel so very alone. I still deal with the desertion of my family members and went through a very horrible time of rage with them. I am just now starting to accept that they aren't capable of giving of themselves. Is there a councellor that you could set up meetings with? This might help as you go along. I remember when a good friend of mine lost her mom years ago and although I was there for her, I now know I could have done so much more. Your friends who have never travelled this road have so little experience which is why they have trouble understanding it. In time you will figure out which ones are good for you to be around and which ones it's better to distance yourself from for awhile. Not everyone is sensitive to how difficult this is.

I think that is why this group of people on here are able to be so supportive. Most of us have suffered huge losses and are trying to find our new normal. We are here for the highs, the lows and all of the emotions that we experience as we grapple to make sense of all that is happening to us.

Try to enjoy the time that you have left with your mom. When she's alert, maybe talk about happy times and old memories, even if she doesn't respond.  Even when she's sleeping you can quietly talk to her and touch her face or hold her hand. She will know that you are there.

Please keep sharing with us and we will try to support you as best we can.

Hugs,
Tracie
Report this post