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I feel selfish that I am alive and my mom doesn’t get to live 
Started by neverstoplovingmom
17 Mar 2014, 4:41 AM

It’s been a month since my mother passed away.

I know it sounds weird for a daughter to say that, but I wish so much that I could take mom's place instead because she deserved life much more than I do. She was more hardworking, more loving, more responsible, more wise and better at everything that I am or will ever be, why her and not She loved my intensely and was very overly so protective of me, and I lived with her for my whole life. She was, and is my everything and more.

She suffered a lot from lung cancer, particularly during the last month of her life; she passed away 17 months after she was diagnosed. It caused me intense pain when I think about the pain my mom has to go through. She was so full of love and full of life. She is my greatest love and my greatest loss and it’s particularly painful for two facts; she never expected to have lung cancer because she never smoked and she died at 56.

 The disease caused her intense distress during the last two weeks of her life and I was grateful that I was always by her bed side at the palliative hospital room. Her last days keep replaying in my mind. I was in absolute despair as i watched my mom quickly losing her ability to speak or even drink sips of water. She spent her last day in a semi comatose state. She was so brave; she faced the disease head on even after she broke her cancer ridden leg. She used the walker so well but eventually she became bed ridden.
As these all unfolded, all I could do was NOTHING, I could only watch helplessly as she died.

 

I know my mom wants me to live and often encouraged me to live bravely. I know all about that but all I can think about is, I WISH IT WAS ME. I want to make the sacrifices for my mom because she made enough sacrifices for me all her life; she was the least deserving person to receive this fate!! I will love and miss my mother forever and I will grieve for everything that happened to my mom until my last breath. Thanks for reading



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Reply by moderator | modératrice
17 Mar 2014, 1:24 PM
Dear neverstoplovingmom,

Welcome to Virtual Hospice! I'm so sorry for your incredible loss. I just want to write you a quick note to let you know that we hear you and you are not alone. There are other members who understand your hearfelt pain.

Meet Nikki99, mymothersdaughter, Lilbear, marstin, mzmojo, NatR and others who have been there. You can read their stories and exchanges on these threads:

Feel free to post a message to any of the threads above and they will get a notification and welcome you.

Colleen 
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Reply by NatR
17 Mar 2014, 3:23 PM
Dear Neverstoplovingmom,

welcome to the forum  and my sincere sympathies to you on the loss of your mom.

you will meet others here who feel the same way and struggle with Grief Guilt and Pain.

we all wish the same as you - to have our loved ones back to have them pain free and healthy.  We want to talk to them hug them and be reassured by their love in return.

that is why we all share our burdens with the forum and struggle to get through the days months years and yes even the seconds and minutes.

i have lost a brother and both parents and understand a bit of what you are going through.  Each of us have an individual journey back to reality and life without our important and loved members of our families. 

Be encouraged that you are in a safe and caring group of support.
venting and sending notes here really helps get out the feelings and in return you will get messages of understanding and some suggestions on what helps each of us get through the grief.

welcome and sending you a virtual hug
NatR  

 
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Reply by marstin
17 Mar 2014, 3:32 PM
Hi,

My heart goes out to you as you go through the pain of losing your mom. I don't think we are ever prepared to lose our parents as they are the core of our lives. They help us develop our strengths and when we lose their direction and support it can send you into a tailspin. There is nothing weird about how you're feeling, it just is a response to all that is going on in your mind as you try to make sense of what has happened. Having lost my husband and my mom back to back I understand the 'I wish it had been me' feeling.

Can you tell us a little more about yourself? Do you have a dad or siblings to support you? Close friends to lean on?

As Colleen has said, many of us have been walking this road and understand the many conflicting emotions that you are experiencing. You are safe here to share what you are feeling and there is no judgement, only kind and caring people to listen to you.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by mymothersdaughter
17 Mar 2014, 5:57 PM
Hello Neverstoplovingmom.

I know exactly what you are going through.  I lost my Mom to brain cancer which started from breast cancer which then spread to her lung, which caused the brain cancer.  I watched my Mom get weaker as you did.  Mom passed away Dec 4, 2013, she was 60 years old.  I too think about how she suffered and how much she sacraficed for me and my brother and sister.  I was the only one who was at her bed side and saw the end unfold.  I found this site helpful and sometimes abit overwhelming.  When I lost Mom I felt like a child who lost there Mom in a crowded store, panic, grief overwhelming saddness.  I spend most days thinking about her, hoping she is ok where ever she is.  I have had freak outs of crying uncontrollably.  This is the hardest thing you will ever go through.  It's nice to surround yourself with people who care about you and you will probably try to hold yourself together when you are around them but it's more than ok to cry.  I can honestly say that there is not 1 day that I don't think about her but but...I think about how she would have wanted things to be for me.  I know my Mom would not have wanted me to cry everyday for her, for what could have been and what wasn't.  I hold our memories, her favorite sayings, her funny expressions, the talks we had prior to death.  I take comfort that she is at peace, I cry for my loss and for everyone who knew her and who will physically miss her.  My 3 months without her have been hard but trust me, it does get better, the pain turns into heartache, heartache to lonliness but then you have memories and people to talk to about Mom, memories to share.  It does get easier my friend.  Your Mom would not have wanted you to feel this way.  Your Mom must have talked with you prior to her death about how she wanted things to be for you.  Your not alone, we are all here for you.
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Reply by KathCull_admin
22 Mar 2014, 7:36 PM

Dear Neverstoplovingmom 
Your mother sounds like wonderful woman and your nickname shows me what a huge influence she has been in your life. How wonderful that you have those encouraging words from her in your mind - 'live and live bravely'. Did you and she ever talk about what that would mean for you? Did she give you some tools to live bravely? 

I thought you  and mymothersdaughter might want to look at the article 
Grief Work  by Fred Nelson.

Look forward to hearing from you when you are able.

Take care
Katherine 

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Reply by neverstoplovingmom
24 Mar 2014, 11:02 PM
Thank you everyone.

I guess I just feel like life is holding me hostage. Everyone wants me to live and be brave but my mom was not given an option to live. Dying is not an option so I have to live reluctantly..

I have an auntie staying with me but I dont feel like anyone really understands. My mom wanted to live so much and I don't get how life can be so cruel and because of that, I found it a torturing exercise to continue to live.
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Reply by mymothersdaughter
25 Mar 2014, 12:36 AM
Dear Neverstoplovingmom,

Life is not holding you hostage, you are holding yourself hostage, you need to never stop loving Mom but  also love yourself enough to go on each day and live YOUR life.  You couldn't live your Mom's life for her or through her before and now that she is gone,  you need to live for you and be the best you can be in her memory.

Is your auntie your Mom's sister.  If so, you need to break it down for people how you are really feeling.  Some people walk around wearing a mask but are grieving and just want someone to say.  How are you, how are you really.  You might be suprised.  Tell everyone how you are Really Doing neverstoplovingmom?  I found the experience of my Mom's death a torture and it horrified me.  I was scared to say how it tortured my mind. It was hard to function each day.  It's been almost 4 months since I held her hand.  I didn't think anyone would really get what I was going through.  I cried beside my husband late at night.  I cried in the bathroom at work, at home.  I felt like I was dying inside.  I understand, I really do.

I had a co worker ask me how I was, I told her the honest to God truth.  After a few sentences she was crying so hard.  I told my husband how I was really doing, he was scared. I am going this Friday to speak with someone about how I am feeling, what I am thinking.  Neverstoplovingmom,  I think you should go and speak with someone, especially how you are finding it a torture to live.  I don't even know you personally but I want you to feel better and find some joy in waking up each day and I want you to know that I/we on this site are thinking about you.  It doesn't just stop with sending this e-mail.
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Reply by marstin
25 Mar 2014, 1:11 AM
Hi,

Having read the words of mymothersdaughter, I have to echo what she has said. I lost my partner of 23 years to cancer only to lose my Mom just weeks later. I was with my mom daily before this. Recovering from losses is a very difficult thing to do. It's a minute by minute process most days in the early stages.

I found reaching out to other people was the most difficult thing to do. I would run into people who would ask how I was and I would give my standard answer of I'm ok. Some would accept that but others would look me in the eye and say 'How are you really?'. I knew at those moments that there were people who actually cared, who actually wanted to know and understood. Only then would I reveal the pain that I was in.

If you are unable to reach out to people closest to you right now, please realize that you are not alone in this and there are many of us here on this site that have known the pain that you are going through, who understand and care. Please keep sharing and we will help you get through this.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
25 Mar 2014, 1:35 AM
I was one of those people that was blessed with someone telling me how they really were doing. I was so happy that my friend shared the raw truth with me. No, I haven't been there, and I'm not sure I am helping her as much as I would liked, but I listened honestly and empathically, and I was rewarded by doing so. It seemed that, at least for a moment, her load was lightened.

I tell you this because I want you know that telling trusted people how you are really doing is not a burden. It's an honour to be a trusted person. We want to help.

Colleen 
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