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how do you go on 
Started by LostNL
06 Feb 2015, 11:21 PM

hi, i am new to the group. i am looking for some advise or some way anything really to deal and cope with the loss of my mom. almost a year and half ago we suddenly lost our mother too a massive heart attacke at the age of 53... life since that ever day has been upside down and inside out. I lived with my mom my whole life, 28 years ...after my sisters moved out it was just us... i spent most of my time with her and everything involded her, she was my best friend as well as a mom. i am just wondering if it is normal to be in such shock and denial when its been this amount of time? 

Ive completely shut down when it comes to anything dealing with her, i don't speak of her, or talk about her... but yet the images,sounds,smells, etc flood my mind on a daily basis. on that day i had been working, and was called to come home right away, of course when this was said to me i didn't really believe it and hung up...but then something just clicked in my mind saying ya you better go home... i came home to find the ambulance here in our home...in my bedroom working on my mother...(being a health care worker i knew what was going on ) those images now are so clear in my mind...that i can draw them out to the finest detail. the days after were in and out...i don't remember much of it really...i believe i have it all completely blocked from my mind. 

i guess i am just asking, is it normal..that i feel like this? is it common? or am i completely lost.  i find now that it is so heavy on my mind and heart that i can hardly breath sometimes... i work in a long term care home, and it is even now affecting my profession, i find it hard dealing with families of those who are dying..but yet i can relate with them on so many levels...

any advise would be helpful...  
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Reply by KathCull_admin
07 Feb 2015, 12:56 AM

Hi LostNL

Welcome to our community. I am glad you found us. You will find members here understand the sadness and grief that come with the death of a parent.  This is a good place to come, rest awhile and talk. It makes sense to me that those important moments surrounding your mother’s death are most clear in your mind. Those moments changed your life.

There is a sentence in the article Grief Work that says, “Your experience of grief will be unique. No one can tell you what the process will be or how long it will take. Grief takes as long as it takes.” 

Having said that, there are times when people need help with grieving. That might be time off work, friends and family to talk to, professional help. Does your workplace offer counselling services?

On Shirley’s baby thread, Im am so lost! among others you will meet Jaindough, AdoptedSon, Sadson and JennJilks.  If you post to this thread, they will be notified and I am sure respond to you.

Can you tell me a little more about your family and those who support you?


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Reply by LostNL
07 Feb 2015, 2:28 AM

I have two older sisters. One is supportive when she isn't involded with her problems. She tends moms gone for reason her marriage broke up. My other sister has deallt and is coping oKay. Has accepted it. Our extended family we are a close family but a bit of family problems resulted in the passing of my mom. I have wonderful friends, great co workers.... Most of those who are in my support person have never experienced such a loss in a tragic way. 
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Reply by EastCoastPEI
07 Feb 2015, 5:06 AM

LostNL .. even though our experiences are a bit different it all sounds very familiar.. my father had a brief cancer diagnosis and then died 2 months later.. I was out of province and it was almost like it didn't happen.. I couldn';t believe the words over the phone.. hours later when I arrived home the reality somewhat sunk in but it was still so surreal... 

I was in and out, down and up, left and right for months and months afterwards.. I was in university at the time.. 21 years old.. and almost failed school from the denial.. I would go to school and sit in the lounge and be incapacitated.. I put on a front to my classmates and floated through classes, failing some.. I was a zombie..a ghost..

the only saving grace was a good friend who eventualy became my wife... she kept checking in on me.. bringing me food, drawing out a life in me that I forgot was there..

without her I feel I'd still be sitting in that lounge ..waiting for someone to tell me it all wasn't real...

I see now it was the talking with her about it that helped me start to heal... she let me talk..she listened.. I cried.. I hurt .. I got it out.. I acknowledged it.. she convinced me to go see someone as well... that helped immensely.. 

my advice is to find someone to talk to.. it doesn't have to be a partner/relationship.. just someone... are you employed?  do you have an EAP program?  I highly recommend it.. 

when my mother died a few years ago it was the first thing I did is seek out someone unbiased to talk to.. to get it out ..again... I unfortuatenly knew the drill.. but.. it was a drill that worked...

I miss my parents deeply.. it hurts that they are gone.. but I'm able to find a good balance in my life that helps me get by.  

keep poking around here.. read people's stories and the questions and answers...there is an amazing amount of information here.. and a great cast of supportive  people ready to talk and listen, and advise, etc. 

that's my long answer...

the short answer is.. yes.. it's normal ..and it gets better/easier..  
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Reply by Nikki99
09 Feb 2015, 3:30 AM

Hi LostNL,

I can completely relate to you and understand how alone you must feel. I lost my Mom just over a year ago and some days it will hit me so hard that I just want to cry and cry. I push it out of my mind a lot and maybe some times I am still in denial that I don't want to believe she is gone because thats my way to cope, that's my way to get on with my life.That's the only way I know how. If I keep thinking about her and remembering she is gone, I don't know if I can go on. I have a son that I need to go on for and having him also helps. I honestly know he is here for that purpose. He gives me a reason to be here. My Mom was my everything so I can understand when that one person is no longer there, how hard it is to function and just go on with the daily things in our lives. I like you, don't have the most supportive family. My brother and Dad are not really there, especially on the emotional level. I can't talk to them about this. Luckily, I have my Step Dad but even still it's not the same as if I were able to talk to my Mom.....she was everything. Our mother's, were our best friends and I am realizing that is rare. A lot of people aren't so lucky to have that relationship with their Mom's. As bittersweet as it now is, I try to take a small amount of comfort in knowing I had a one of a kind relationship with her. I hope you can too. I found this site when I was aching so badly and I hope it can provide some comfort to you too. I don't think it's something we will ever get over, and at times when we think we are doing ok, it will just hit us and we will be a mess for a bit. I still can't go through her jewelry, I still can't watch my wedding videos because I know as soon as I do I will just fall apart. I don't know how much time will go on before I finally bring myself to do that. I don't think you are completley lost, I think you just miss you Mom more than anything and are just trying to get by each day as best you can. sending you lots of hugs!!
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
14 Feb 2015, 10:29 PM

Hi Nikki99,

Welcome back! It so good to hear from you again and see you offering support to others like LostNL. How is that little son of yours doing these days? Have you got lots of snow where you are?

Hi LostNL,
What a blessing to have supportive friends and co-workers. Other members have shared on other discussion threads (like Failing Friendships) that they find friends seem to abandon them in their grief. So many people just don't know how to deal with the sadness or what to say.  How are you doing this long weekend? Are you able to get yourself up and out? I find getting out everyday despite the cold helps me.

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