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Reply by KathCull_admin

21 Feb 2015, 8:48 AM

Hi
Schamp3385, I add my welcome to Oldbat's. I am glad you found this community and that you were able to post. People here understand the pain and emptiness of grief.

On a new thread, Surviving Grief: One Step at a Time, there is a quote from Xenia (who understands the grief of losing a beloved husband as she wrote above) ,“Now I wander around, trying to keep above my wanting to be normal. Normal, what a word, I want to go back to before his illness, I want to be able to talk to him, I want...I want...like a child I want but I do not know what I really want. I know it is time to grieve and allowing myself to do so is hard ...”

Is there anyone you can share those times of being down and crying – as well as the happy memories?

Myblueeyedman I know you are looking for (or perhaps have already found) a support group and on that same thread – above, Dar64 writes about the support group she is attending.

Oldbat – I am a big Good Wife fan – thanks for wonderful suggestions in how to ‘be good to you’.

Katherine

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Reply by Xenia

21 Feb 2015, 9:58 PM

Dear Schamp3385

Posting on CVH is the best thing you have done. I share your grief and loss.

I lost my husband of 59 years on January 10/15 and as you there are times of crying, anger, laughing and remembering the man who was such an important part in your life.

Each of us grieves in our own way and although we have family and friends the hurt we feel cannot be described so we let the tears fall, remember the good times we had with our loved one, feel alone and then we have moments of letting go of the grief and going on with daily life.

The hard part is that grief takes time, certain cultures have a time frame for grieving and the grieving person is respected and is allowed to grieve openly. In my culture and yours there is no time frame so we go from day to day facing each day with the loss and trying to learn to live without our loved one. I face each day looking for John, my husband, then coming to the reality that he is not here. I let the tears fall, go about the daily chores, some days putting on a brave face, other days getting out of the condo facing the world. Each day is different and I cannot tell you that it will get better and that the hurt will lessen all I can say is I share your grief and understand the pain of it and trust all of us on CVH can be of help when you need to share your pain.

We are here waiting to help you and there are so many who have travelled our road. Further there are the professionals to whom you can turn to and ask questions, receive good advice and help you carry on for a bit longer.

Take care and hugs to you and all on CFH.

Xenia

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Reply by JennJilks

22 Feb 2015, 6:57 PM

OldBat is right. One day at a time. Give yourself achievable goals, and give yourself permission to mourn and to grieve. You will get through this.

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Reply by NatR

22 Feb 2015, 9:03 PM

Dear champ3385,

i welcome you you to the forum. Oldbat is a trooper with lots of great ideas for all of us.
my condolences to you on the loss of your other half.

i know you will find great friends here...we all have experienced loss and grief...personally I have lost both parents and a brother...but what brought me to the forum was carehiver support.

i worked in nursing homes and almost 6 yrs ago I retired early to help care for a family member with total care needs.
as much as it was a labour of love - it does take all your energy.

i am learning to nurture myself too.

post at any time, there are no open/closed hours here. That's the wonderful thing about online groups...there is always someone floating about;)

do take care of you, and oldbat gave you perfect advice,
hugs from a distance but as close as this screen!
natR

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Reply by schamp3385

23 Feb 2015, 8:08 AM

Thank you for the kind words. It's difficult to talk about, as anyone who hasn't been here has no idea. I didn't either until after it actually happened. You can "prepare" yourself, but still have no clue how it will actually be until you experience it.

I am so glad that I have found a group of women who have actually experienced the ups and downs of this ride that we all want off of!

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Reply by Myblueeyedman

23 Feb 2015, 8:48 PM

Somedays are very hard, I cry myslef to sleep every night. The lost and loneliness is so overwhelming.... Somedays I wish I could move forward in time, other days I wish I could change the past....what I would try to change is an earlier detection of the cancer and maybe just maybe either a cure or to slow it down to a crawl. My wish would always be for more time with my hunny.
I know that he would not want me to cry for along time or to be unhappy. My goal is to somehow be happy and be able to handle missing him without the vast emotions and tears. I sure hope it's possible to get used to the loss, because I know I will always miss him.

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Reply by oldbat

23 Feb 2015, 9:23 PM

Welcome back MBEM, it's good to hear from you.

I'm so sorry to hear about the grief and loss you are feeling. But it's really good that you shared with us.

Don't try to hide or rush through your grieving process, The way you are feeling, as hard as it is for you, is natural. You are on a journey with your grief, and it will end in a happier place. Your love for your husband will always be with you. Just as his for you. Slowly you'll be able to incorporate that knowledge into your day to day life. But that can't be rushed.

So, now is the time to be good to you. To treasure your good memories of your life together. To share those memories with close friends and family, and make new ones together. Rest MBEM, you've travelled a long lonely road. Take plenty of peaceful time for yourself, and only do things that you really want to.

Above all, please stay in touch with us. We care.

oldbat

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Reply by KathCull_admin

02 May 2015, 4:49 PM

Hello everyone, It's been awhile so I thought I would check in and also mention a new member.

MBEM sadness can be such a lonely place. Are there people who are there for you - who may not understand the depth of your loss but who can sit beside you?

Schamp3385 How has this first spring without your much-loved husband? Are there things you have done or read that have helped/supported you?

Dar64 are you still able to attend the support group?

Oldbat I know this time of year can play havoc with your health - has there been any reprieve?

JennJilks I really like the idea of a ladder to climb out!

A new member, Graceful1 started Why are grieving people supposed to be so strong . Could I ask you to consider responding to her post?

Thanks for thinking about it.

Spring is definitely outside my windows today - I hear someone on the ladder cleaning eaves - I need to clean windows and the steps. Off I go....

Katherine

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Reply by Sweet Face

20 May 2015, 2:01 PM

I know how everyone is feeling I lost my soulmate it will be 2 months this Sunday May 24 to cancer. I was at his side for everything and now I'm lost without him. I do attend grief counseling but nothing seems to help. I lost over 20 lbs and the thought of eating turns me. I miss him so much talking about him helps but I'm at the point where no one wants to listen anymore and that hurts. I know this is some what normal from my counseling that most people don't know what to say or do for me.

Thanks for reading/listening
Sweetface

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Reply by NatR

20 May 2015, 2:25 PM

Hello Sweetface,

Nice nickname!
First of all, I am sorry to hear about your loss. It is so recent for you that each day will be a challenge.

It is good that you are getting grief counselling...that helps. Not that I have ever had it...but if you can get it...thats certainly a good thing to do.

I also understand what you said about people are tired of listening...because sometimes when a huge loss happens...it just does take front and centre...and its really hard to stop thinking about your loss, talking about it, feeling it...and as you said you are losing weight, and just having a tough time.

I think that makes you pretty normal. Everyone at one time or another is devastated by a close and personal loss. And yes, after awhile people just dont know how to help, what to say that will make you feel better...and not sure what to say or do after awhile...and that leads to sometimes people not calling, or stopping by, or inviting you out...because they have run out of ideas...to help.

I have been on both sides of the fence....trying to support, and trying to survive a loss. I think its a huge balancing act. Not one that we can always be successful at...but we individually come up with a way to heal and carry on...even with that painful hole in the heart.

I want to make a couple of suggestions...but I dont knoiw if they will be useful.
Since we are all connected here - but we dont know a lot of details about each other..it is sometimes not easy to share something that helps...and I certainly dont want to offend.

So...I will just say it...and please know that they are just suggestions and maybe...something will fit for you.

are you a writer? even if you arent a poet you can collect thoughts, memories and put down things that were important to you and your soulmate. It can be a good thing to look back at your writings and remember special times...

Do you have a way to get out and walk at least once a day? Even if it is around the block...even if it isnt fun...just try it. Count the trees, watch people, or just observe the weather.
I suffer with depression and I will never forget that the first doctor who actually paid attention to me...stressed the importance of being active, getting out...and distracting my mind with little things...like counting the pavement squares on the sidewalk.

Its about breaking the loop of constant thought...the focus that you are ..or might be in...and I dont want to say negative...but it is a sadness that you are enveloped in.

Remember...I am just a family member...not any kind of counselor...but I can just share what worked for me.
When you go for your walks...or whatever you do that you find helpful...write it down...write down your feelings...and I am sure that over time...you will find the balance in life that keeps us going.

My connection with that wonderful doctor was a lifeline to me...at a time when I really felt I was drowning in sadness...and each appointment was my goal, my focus.

Here...on the forum...although it is not as close a connection...we all do feel that we are being heard...that our note will get a response from one or many...and I welcome you to keep writing.

sending you hugs and thoughts from Sunny Ontario...(we had snow yesterday and although its cool...at least its not snowing...:)
Best wishes.
NatR

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