Discussion Forums



I though I was dealing maybe I am not 
Started by LauraRa67
07 May 2015, 8:35 PM

I have lost so many people in the last 15 yrs. My first born child died June 21 2000 he drowned, this was something I think I was in shock for months I really believe that. My fater died June 25, 2001 afer I performed cpr for well i really dont remember how long, but he was brain dead so i had to have him taken off life suport. My husband was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour in April 2007 he was given 5 years he died June 25 2012.. At home with my children and I, then in Oct 2013 my mother fell down he stairs and died, she was there for a couple of weeks before she was found.. I seriously believe I deal with death like well it is supose to happen so just deal with it.. I have never had much time to deal with my own issues so i always thought hey I am doing great , but know that I have time to deal with me , Im not sure I have really ever taken the time to grieve to actually ket go and just grieve... 
Report this post      
 
Reply by KathCull_admin
07 May 2015, 9:48 PM

Welcome LauraRa67
What sadness you have experienced in 15 short years. It seems that before you had a chance to grieve another loss was thrust upon you. I imagine that you had to keep going - there was no time to stop and think about what was happening.  

On the first 'page' of the Canadian Virtual Hospice on the right hand side of the page is something called 'Programs and Services'. If you click on it you will be taken to a page with a map of Canada and  if you type in Edmonton you will be taken to a list of resources in your community. 

it sounds as though you might be in a place now where you can start unpacking what has happened to you. Are there other family members or friend you have been able to turn to in the past? Have you ever sought professional help to unpack the feelings and loss.

You are brave and I think wise to begin the conversation and post here and you are very welcome here. You will find others who may not have the same exact experience but who will listen and understand and support you - you are safe here to talk. 

Are re there things that have helped over the years?  

Katherine

 
Report this post      
 
Reply by NatR
09 May 2015, 2:47 PM

Dear Laurara67,

welcome me to the forum.  As Katherine said so warmly, this is a safe place to air the feelings you can't always express in the real world.

we all have a story, loss, grief and are dealing with it the best we can...it's not up to us to judge ...and I sometimes have learned a lot about getting through tough times by reading others stories.

its a 24/hr type of place...write when you need to...and you will get support and encouragement:)

i am so sorry to read about the losses you have had, each one enormously devastating, your child, your father and mother and your husband.  I am certain how those experiences have affected you - and I really want to say....I feel your energy from here.  I know you did your best to save your dad, and bless you for your efforts.

the losses feel enormous and it's sharing with others who have also felt similar loss ... That is a big help, that's my personal opinion.

i hope you will come to feel like you are among friends....we all are...friends in spirit, although not personally connected we are Virtually connected....which has a feeling of its own.

Please share as you feel comfortable and let us know how your days go.  Sometimes just being able to message back and forth gives a feeling of support that is a huge benefit.

we feel alone, but we all are going through similar things.

personally I have lost both parents, a brother who died at age 39, and I am a retired personal support worker - so that's a little bit about me.

support groups and friends sometimes fill the need - but this Virtual Hospice message board is peopled by Those who who have walked a mile or two in pretty uncomfortable shoes...and here you will be able to take those shoes off, feel the warmth and connection.

i Hope that you will write more, and we will answer and hear you....that in itself is the magic that happens here....no stress, no hoops to jump through, just be you.
best wishes,

natR 😊 
Report this post      
 
Reply by Mark99
10 May 2015, 6:49 PM

Dear Laurara67

Let me welcome you as well. This is a special place where we all share, support, and understand to our very souls what each of us are enduring, feeling, and struggling with. A community such as this resides on a special continuum of our lives. It allows us to reflect, learn, share experiences, and learn from others experiences. There is only one small prerequisite, embrace your grief and loss because from that acceptance comes a sense learning perhaps it is understanding. One cannot learn when one does not charge into the emotional storms that death of loved ones stirs within us. 

 

My wife of 28 years passed away in 2011. The single best advice I was given was to plow into my grief hard and accept it as part of my life and take grief to learn from. I think of this process as weaving a tapestry of memories and as the yarn comes to the ends I see myself as knotting the ends to complete one memory. The memory is never closed because closure is indifference. No the memories become a comforter I can wrap around me when I want to give me warmth. I am saddened by the number of tapestries of memories you have in front of you. 

 

I’ve learned this, we all grieve differently. Grief is an idiosyncratic fingerprint for each of us. We all grieve in our own way and at varying speeds and find unique meanings. Our grief is ours alone and ours to shape and mould like clay. I have done many podcasts on grief and loss. Perhaps this one can offer some insight. Be well be strong be true to your emotions and keep talking to us and all. 

 

Report this post      
 
Reply by graceful1
15 May 2015, 12:10 AM

Hi Laura: I am relatively new here as well. I found a lot of comfort from the members and incredible support. There has been no judgement, something I deeply needed and wanted; it's also a safe place to speak.


I am truly breaking at how things have been for you over the past few plus years my heart goes out to you. I can only speak from my experience and most certainly not a coucilor (please ignore any spelling errors). But I would like to offer up my two cents worth, who knows maybe there might be a thread you might like.


Grief doesn't seem to have anytime frames or have a completion date. Each passing of a beloved one may well open a previously thought closed and healed wound. For me my husbands sudden passing was a shock and rendered me unable to function on my normal train. Its almost as if my tracks became a huge roller coaster with no stop as my parents passing came to the forefront as well.


I reached out to this virtual site and found it to be exactly what I needed. I hope you keep writing and letting people know how you are doing. For myself I am getting better and now understand more with less questions. Some people in my life while well meaning turned out to be a bit misguided with expectations I couldn't meet. So, with the help I got here; I understood that they were also greiving in their own way.


I sure hope this helps and I would like to think that you are a very strong person who can see the light at the end of the tunnel.


Linda

Report this post      
 
Reply by Mark99
15 May 2015, 12:30 AM

I just finished a podcast a new podcast on the changing avatar of grief. I have been writing and podcasting a lot on the topic since it is such a persoanl story for me and anyone who has losted a loved one. All the podcasts are here atwww.bioc.net/podcast/ 

Here is the most recent one. And below that is a text of the podcast. I hope this helps in the process of reflection and understanding. 

The Insipid Nature of Grief: The Horse Latitudes
http://www.bioc.net/podcast/2015/5/13/podcast-37-the-insipid-nature-of-grief-the-horse-latitudes

I put the full text of the podcast up on Medium. That would easy to scan since listening is always time consuming. 

https://medium.com/@marksphone/the-insipid-nature-of-grief-the-horse-latitudes-58ed8cb04a50
Report this post      
 
Reply by moderator | modératrice
16 May 2015, 2:10 PM

Thank you for sharing your podcasts Mark. I bet you've have learned a lot in the making of these recordings. What have these podcasts revealed to you, perhaps about yourself, others or your journey?

Colleen
Report this post