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Reply by Carriek

17 Jun 2012, 5:01 AM

I want to scream at them "where have you been when he cried, when he was in pain, when he couldnt sleep, when he couldnt stay awake..... where were you for the past 7 months, how dare you think you will walk in and push me out I am his wife.....
But I cant.... I cannot let him see or hear the upset
and I cant handle a big explosion with his family.
Im not sure what to do...

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Reply by Carriek

17 Jun 2012, 5:06 AM

Im hoping you can offer some help, some suggestions Im counting on you guys !!

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Reply by Cath1

17 Jun 2012, 6:11 AM

Hi Carrie:

I read your many messages and before I respond, let me wish your husband a happy birthday! It's great that he reached this milestone with you although I'm sure it was not his wish or yours to celebrate a birthday in hospital.

About all the stress you have been experiencing for an extended period of time, I think you should consider the possibility that you may not be as able to interpret others as accurately as you may in other circumstances. You are sensitive naturally, as I imagine is your husband and his family.

From the information you provided tonight it sounds as if there is a lot of history between you and your husband's family, including his son. I know you want to spend as much time as humanly possible with your husband, and of course you want your daughters to as well, but I suggest you do leave some more time for your husband's family so they can spend time privately with him. They may be feeling exactly as you are feeling, suffering silently, resenting you just as you are resenting them for not seeming to accommodate the other's need.

When you say your husband only saw his son a few times a year and his son doesn't seem as interested when you update him about his Dad's condition, I get the sense that the history between them has been strained. Was your husband in his son's life while he was growing up?

As an outsider looking in, and not knowing all the backlground, I think it is very possible that your husband's family could harbour some resentment toward you and that may be related to past issues that occured before you knew him and it could involve his son. On the other hand, they may be simply grieving and feeling overwhelmed and not able to express these type of deeply personal feelings with you, just as you feel unable to express yourself openly with them.

Whatever the truth, it is very unfortunate that you and your husband's family cannot come to terms with one another to communicate compassionately with one another and to offer each other more emotional support. You all need it so much.

I understand how desperately sad and stressed you are feeling Carrie but I hope you will be able to risk being gently vulnerable with your in-laws, especially your husband's mother whose heart must be breaking along with yours at the thought of losing her son. As well, no matter what has happened between your husband and his son in the past, now is the time for them to spend some private time together, as well.

Your family situation is not all that unique as many people experience tensions within families and there are many different ways people handle stress. Try to encourage your husband's family to enjoy some special alone time with him, and please break the silence and speak up and share with them how you are feeling in a non-judgmental way. If you all put your husband's needs above your own, I believe you can reconcile and find common ground for healing. You have a precious opportunity to express your love and inspire peace in the family while there's still time.

With affection. -hugs- xo
Cath1

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Reply by NatR

17 Jun 2012, 1:16 PM

Dear Carrik

I saw you had posted but waited til I could get to my computer rather than try to respond via my phone...which sometimes gets tricky.

I want first of all to say how deeply I feel your stress, sadness and confusion.

I also come from a dysfunctional family and times of sickness can bring all those sides of the family together, with unresolved issues, anger, resentments, unspoken arguments...you name it...they will bring it.

I know how you fight to silence your questions...and they are questions that rightfully you deserve answers to.

I suggest that you speak to either staff, chaplain or someone in Family support..in your hospital. There has to be someone you can air this all with, someone who might be able to help figure out the best way to handle it.

I will write again, but wanted to let you know that you have been heard, that you will no doubt get other great responses with some ideas on how to handle this stress.

Your main focus is to keep your husband as happy and peaceful and loved as you can, and you are doing that. I am so saddened to hear about the split between kids, grandma etc. Sometimes it is so hard to figure out, and the answers dont come easy or at all.

Hang in there...and do reach out to some counsellor or family support locally, to see if anyone can give you some ideas on how best to address this. Frankly having all this Silence in the room, and unspoken but very much felt stress, etc. is not good for your husband or yourself. I think you have the right to limit people...perhaps one or two at a time...and that might be a way of diminishing stress.

I will be watching to see what other replies to your problem - and hope that today is a less stressed day for you.

You are in my thoughts...sending you best wishes...and hang in there, you are doing a great job.
Sincerely,
NatR

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Reply by Caron

17 Jun 2012, 10:46 PM

Just letting you know that my husband passed away June2. Thank you for your support and advise.

Carol

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Reply by NatR

17 Jun 2012, 11:48 PM

My sincere sympathies to you Carol,

If there is any way we can continue to be of support or help - please keep the dialogue going.

Its got to be a most difficult time for you.

NatR

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Reply by moderator | modératrice

18 Jun 2012, 12:25 AM

Dear Carol,

Thank you for taking the time to share the news with us. Please accept my sincerest sympathies too. You are not alone. Please remember that we are here for you whenever you may need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen.

Colleen

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Reply by Brayden

18 Jun 2012, 2:06 AM

Dear Carrie,
My heart goes out to you as I recall being a daily visitor to my friend and how frequently I could cut the air in the room from the tension created by the blended family. I fully support the suggestions posted by NatR today as I took those very steps and they improved the situation greatly. I would also suggest that you do not allow other family members to stop you from relating to your husband as your heart dictates. The focus now is totally on him. Keep holding his hand or whatever touch you feel like. Touch is 100% more powerful than just sitting in the room in silence. But do seek council as you have too much on your plate to handle this on your own. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Brayden

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Reply by Cath1

18 Jun 2012, 2:44 AM

Dear Caron:

I feel very sad to hear that your husband passed away and I thank you for taking the time to share this painful news. Your faith I trust will continue to be a great source of strength and comfort to you as you face the future. You bravely saw your husband through the most difficult time of his life and yours and I hope that knowledge will fill you with a deep peace as you grieve.

I hope you are blessed by the love and support of close family and friends. If you should need a virtual friend in the weeks and months ahead, please know you have many friends here for you.

Please accept my healtfelt sympathy for you, Caron, and for your family.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1

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Reply by Tian

18 Jun 2012, 3:27 AM

First Caron I want to express my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. I hope that if it hasn't already come, that it will soon come, that it is only the good times you had together that come forth when you think of your husband. Please let us know how you are managing.

Now Carrie, please accept a virtual hug from me. I think others have offered great sentiments and advice. I would only stress that if it makes you uncomfortable to be in the same room when your in-laws and stepson visit your husband then, as graciously as possible, leave. It is a great sacrifice on your part but not as great as other sacrifices you've made and you can take comfort in knowing that it is creating a better environment for your husband. The time you spend with them around your husband can appear to be extremely long but do you think that the actual time they spend visiting your husband is too long as it is? Any time you spend with your husband is precious but it is more precious when you can do it alone.

Tian

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