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Started by worried daughter
26 Jan 2013, 12:24 PM

My mom has emphasema and refuses to go to a hospital/nursing home. She is probably close to 87lbs now, will only use oxygen at night, still smoking a pack a day. She can't even lift her coffee cup without a struggle.She did tell me her feet are sweeling alot now and she has been having major chest pains, I really don't know how her body can take much more. I talk to her everyday sometimes for a very short period as she always has to go to cough up goop as she calls it as talking can make it worse. She won't come stay with me or have someone come in and help her! She lives in a city in Alberta and I live in the country an hour away and I also have a husband that has health problems ( I almost lost him a year ago). I feel soooo frustrated as I would very much like to be there for her and help her but nothing anyone does is good enough..to the extent you feel like your running head first into a brick wall everytime you try. I asked her a few days ago if she felt like the end was near would she tell me, her answer was oh I don't don't know. I don't want her to die alone and scared but that appears to be exactly whats going to happen and I can't seem to do a damn thing about it!!!!Thanks for letting me rantFrown

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Reply by marstin
27 Jan 2013, 6:16 AM
Hi worried daughter,

You have come to the right place to rant and rave. This site is filled with people who find much comfort in sharing their fears and frunstrations and sorrow. Are there other family members that live close to your mom? It sounds like your mom has been sick for quite awhile. Am I right? It also appears that she does not accept help easily. Have you tried to talk to her doctor to see what his recommendations would be? Sometimes it is difficult to understand why people do some of the things that they do and reject help when it is offered. Could she be depressed? Please write again and tell us more. I don't have much experience with this kind of situation but I'm sure there are others on here that may be able to offer you their insight. We are as close as your computer.

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Reply by NatR
27 Jan 2013, 12:59 PM
Dear worried daughter,

your story tugs at my heart.  There is nothing more stressful than trying to offer help only to have it refused.  Yet the fact is your mom definitely sounds like she needs some support.

I wonder if through her doctor she is getting any kind of home support? If she has oxygen etc - there must be someone assisting her Or coming into her home a few times a week.

i understand your feeling of helplessness and your own load of concerns at home

i want to encourage you that you are doing the best you can from a distance.  It's very hard to be supportive when you watch your family member do things that only hurt them.

feel free to write more, share your worries and concerns 
all of the forum members understand that each situation is challenging.

guilt is an emotion we all know and sometimes we allow it to affect our lives to the point where we are so unhappy and miserable because we are trying so hard to help everyone - and in the end we hurt only ourselves.

i just want you to know you are doing your best - and the fact your wrote to the forum means you are at your wits end to know how to do more, to help your mom.

we all have  similar stories and want to listen and offer advice or comfort.
write when you can and know you are not alone.
sending you a virtual hug today.

best wishes

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Reply by worried daughter
27 Jan 2013, 3:42 PM

Thanks for the kind replys,
The oxygen people have been to her house twice in the last year and she won't allow homecare. Yes I have two adult daughters that live closer to her but she has been very nasty too both of them and they have pulled away,and at this time I don't have the energy to fight them too.  I have asked her a number of times what her doctor's names are and she feels thats not something I need to know. It all sounds so messed up, my mother did not raise me so the relationship is not your average mother/daughter bond as I have with my girls. I want to help her because she has no friends, she has pushed everyone who cared away. I need to do what I can, money/food/pay her bills etc, so I can sleep at night. I will have to be in the city for two weeks near the end of feb as my husband is having another major surgery, so I will spend the days with him and the nights with my mom...some time in that period I will probably commit myself ( just kidding) Mom has been sick for about 4 years..I am really not as mean and cold hearted as this sounds..it sounds like a very bad movie but it's the reality of my life. I am trying to hold down a job and care for the people I love while trying to keep my Lupus from attacking me from the inside out...Thank God I am a receptionist at a Vet Hospital so I can hug puppie's every now and them, animals have a way bringing you back down to earth..You have noo idea how good it feels to be able to get some of this off my chest, thanks for listening and responding.

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Reply by NatR
27 Jan 2013, 4:04 PM
Dear Tracy,
You will not need to be committed.. You are doing all you can.  I love that you get to hug puppies...what a great job.

Remember that you can vent here anytime...no one judges...you are the only one who can walk in your shoes...and we are just here to let you talk and offer some ideas...or support.

Frankly your Mom is shooting herself in the foot...not allowing you to know information like who her doctor is.  I applaud you for planning to go and see what you can do when you get to the city she is in.

Just knowing that you arent going crazy can be a big help.  I know that hearing stories as each of us go through them...definitely helps me to understand things better...and to not feel alone.
Anytime Tracy...

PS..relationships are so complicated...I hear you...and you only can control your portion of it.  It sounds like you have done all you can...and you have to remember that it is your Mom who is blocking you.  That is most frustrating...when you can see a better way...want more for her...its all about her choice and her decisions.

Take care of you! Most important.. 
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Reply by marstin
27 Jan 2013, 4:57 PM
Hi Tracy,

No, you don't sound like a mean person at all. You just sound like you're at your wits end. Who knows why your mom won't accept help and pushes everyone away. For some, they just don't want to impose on other people's lives. My mom was the opposite of yours and leaned on me exclusively. When my husband Len was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I had to focus more on him than my mom. My mom was having some major health issues and rather than speak about them she hid them. I saw some warning signs but did not have the energy to deal with them. She would not impose on my brother or niece for assistance and I had to focus on Len. Sadly, seven and a half weeks after I lost him on July 15th, my mom passed away. She admitted in hospital that she had left things too long. She used to always say that God helps those who help themselves. I wish she had taken her own advice so that I would still have her in my life. Your mom sounds like she has no intention of helping herself and there is really nothing that you can do to force her. even though it causes you so much anguish. Have you considered talking to someone to deal with the sadness this is causing you? Although it is your mom that is sick, it appears that it is causing you so much emotional pain. Please take care of yourself. You are important too.

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Reply by nannypoo
28 Jan 2013, 4:29 AM
Hi Trac and all who read this post...

I find myself getting down right ticked right off with my mom.  Its aweful watching her wither away.  Love and acceptance is the only answer; I know but its freaking hard.  I can't make the changes in her but I sure the heck can learn a thing or two thousand from her example.  Its utterly heartbreaking, but some how gotta find a way to get through and be strong to support her where ever she will let me.  Thx for sharing.  I sure glad I found this site

With Kindest Regards,
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Reply by worried daughter
28 Jan 2013, 11:59 AM

Well another week begins..it's very nice to know that i can talk you all on here. Another day that I wait and see if she will answer the phone... I hope you all have a wonderful day, thanks so much for all the kind words..It's nice not to feel so alone.


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Reply by NatR
28 Jan 2013, 1:32 PM
Dear Worried Daughter and Nannypoo,

you both have concerns about your moms.  It is definitely difficult...our elderly want to do things there way...up til it is too late to do anything.  It is frustrating as children and grandchildren trying to support them and give them constructive criticism.

I know I spent a lot of wasted hours talking to my own mom, trying to get her to move to a different facility as I watched her lose her ability to care for herself.

We had a lot of distance between us as well.  Finally the time came when there was no other recourse ...and she is now in a total care facility...and it is too far to visit frequently.

Just try to remember that if you are close enough to check up on your moms..if you can pop in and make sure things are at least safe..and that their basic needs are being met...there is not a whole lot more you can do without being considered interfering.

There are so many variables..its different for each family, each persoon.
Just know that you can talk, ask questions, there are professionals on the forum you can get tips from...and caregivers like myself who can talk from my own experience with family and with clients.

Tracy, hope your mom answers the phone for you today...and if she is not in the mood to talk..dont take it personally.  You will know you tried;)

Nancy, wishing you well today too..glad you found the forum as well:)
Best wishes.
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Reply by Brayden
29 Jan 2013, 4:01 AM
Dear Worried Daughter,
 Unfortunately I can relate to what you are going through. A few years ago my brother died at age 49, in the same situation. My parents and I just got to the point where there was nothing we could do to change things for the better. You can extend all the love that you can muster but there is no guarintee that it will be accepted. It is hard to accept as we do not want to look as if we are uncaring but it is Not about you, it is your mother. It ended for me with the hospital calling to say that he was in ICU on life support and needed me to come in and authorize them to pull the plug. I can still hear the bells and whistles go off. Please keep venting here as it sounds like you will be doing a fair bit of it. Just do not let it affect your self worth as a daughter. Wishing you lots of strength.
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