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24 May 2013, 2:35 PM

Hi everyone,

A new member just joined our community this morning and I think many of you can relate to her situation. Please meet Mich2 who posted about caring for her dying mom and how she is nearing the breaking point of caring for both her parents. She really just needs someone to listen. If you have a minute, can you please welcome her on this thread:

Strong Mixed Emotions 

Thank you.
Colleen 
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Reply by worried daughter
08 Jun 2013, 12:10 PM

How in God's name can a person hang on when they don't eat, my mom is skin and bones, she has no energy at all... I feel like I need to break my promise to her and have her sent to the hospital..She will not allow me to bring in homecare and she won't allow us to do anything but buy food that rots because she can't/won't eat it...her illness has not stopped her from being mean & nasty so the thought of going against what she made me promise has actually made get sick to my stomach...I do not know what to do!!!!! I keep expecting her heart to give out as she does get severe chest pains..I work in a Veterinary Hospital and on thursday watched a horse die a not pretty death thrashing around and I lost it because I thought this is how mom will die only alone because she has made that choice...Bad comparison I know but thoughts of my mom and death and wondering if today will be the day she does not answer the phone are always there..I am allowed to comfort a complete stranger while they put a much loved pet to sleep but she will not allow me to hold her hand while she is feeling what must be terror...Sorry probably should not have come on today can't seem to get my jumbled thoughts together...Hugs to all on this road:) Tracy 
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Reply by marstin
08 Jun 2013, 1:33 PM

Hi Tracy,

You poor girl. I can hear the anguish in your words and most definitely you should come on here and vent. We're here for you. It's so hard to understand why people do some of the things that they do but it almost seems like your mom feels that she deserves to suffer this way. So much for you to bear when all you want is to have the burden of worry taken from you and have professionals take over. It's a tough one. She has asked for the almost impossible. How can she care for herself when she is wasting away? Maybe it's time to play hardball and get in touch with her doctor and ask for help. It's too much for you and your family to handle. Sometimes promises have to be broken when it is in the best interest of the person affected. Your mom's judgement seems a little clouded and that may give the doctor the ability to take charge. I'm not sure. Please take care of yourself and never feel that you shouldn't come here and share your frustrations. We are here for you!

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by NatR
08 Jun 2013, 2:00 PM

Dear worried daughter, Tracy 

i am so sorry  to hear  how stressed you are with your mom. Also the fact that you work with living creatures, horses, and are comforting their owners - is an incredible gift you give that many could not do.

i agree with Tracie that it's time to get the doctor,s point of view, get some input on how to handle things with your mom.

you are not a super heso and you can only do so much, time for additional support and ideas - I am rooting for you.

let us know how things are going, and never apologise for sharing your burdens.
this is why Virtual Hospice is here.

you have friends listening and trying to understand.
your mom needs more than you can give her, and she is torturing you by keeping you on a string  
best wishes
NatR hugs
 
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Reply by worried daughter
15 Jun 2013, 12:56 PM

I'm backSurprised...I called my mom a few times on tues to which I didn't get a reply whisch scared the hell out of me! I could not find a ride (scared to drive on hwy and in city) so I sucked it up and went by myself thinking she was gone....My sweet husband stayed on the phone with me while I went into the house..boy those were the longest flight of stairs I've ever climbed..at first I was sure she was gone and then I say her chest move and I broke down whisch woke her up and she just said ohhh just calm down( insert angry voice) I'm not dead yet! I asked her if she knew I called and she said yes it's about time you drove into the city...I can't explain how I felt at that moment buy it was not good...I spent the rest of the week with her and attempted to talk to her about homecare which she said she'd think about ( which means shut up and leave me alone). She is now 83 lbs and can't eat and can not do anything for herself, because she is skin and bones she admited she has pressure sores on her bottom, I asked if I could see them and she got pretty mad, I used to do homecare. I'm not a nurse but I tried to explain that they need to be looked after by a health care professional ( again I'll think about it)...As I needed to walk away a number of times a lot of cleaning was done, very hard to do when you are not allowed to move anything...Banging my head on a brick wall ( not really). She was aware I was leaving yesterday afternoon and waited until the last half hour and laid every heavy you can think of on me until I was so wired up I thought I was going to explode all the time knowing I had a long drive a head of me...and the guilt about me leaving wow I thought for a while I had a jewish motherSmile( we are polish/irish). I asked her again about the hospital( since found out that I can't force her as all she has to do is refuse) she wants to be at home but I should qiut my job and stay with her, then oh ya you have a husband to look after( she smirked). I had to play hard ball abit and remind her she made these choices not me!!! At any rate I left crying, frustrated, scared, angry.....with not a damn thing resolved except that she is the most mean spirited, unloving, stubborn person I have ever known and she's my mom! Again thanks for listening...Big Hugs to all of youCry
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Reply by Brayden
15 Jun 2013, 2:01 PM

Dear Worried Daughter,
Thank you for feeling free to come back and vent here. You need that that release of steam which we want to provide for you. I can just feel your frustration and I am not sure that you cannot get a health care professional to come see your mother under these circumstances. I hope you get a response from a more experienced person to advise you how you could get this to happen. Please keep yourself in check so you do not get sick yourself. We are with you all the way. Peace
Brayden
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Reply by marstin
15 Jun 2013, 4:16 PM

Hi worried daughter,

I just want to reach out and give you a big hug. It's so hard to know what to say to you. Who advised you that you can't force the issue? This seems to be so wrong. I know when Len was slowly fading that his normally kind and loving ways began to spiral downward. He would swear at us and become very abrupt at times. I had to console both of our daughters at times, even the one he was closest to, because he had hurt them so badly. I don't know whether if is the disease or the medication or the mixture of both that creates this, all I know is that it hurts like hell. Many times I had to step in and tell him to stop and although it didn't make me feel very good to do that, it did make him back off for awhile.

I wish that I could advise you on how to deal with all of this pain. My only suggestion would be that the next time you are unable to reach her by phone, call the local police department and ask them to check on her. This way they can see first hand what is going on and possibly force the issue of her being taken care of.

As Brayden said, please take care of yourself. The stress on you is immense and you matter too. I can imagine the nervousness of making that drive as I'm nervous driving on the highway or any long distance myself. Your husband sounds like an incredibly supportive man to talk you through that drive. You need to find an outlet for your stress like a long walk, a run, or even buying a punching bag to vent on. For myself I went out and worked in the garden (I have never been a gardening type) and still do these days when I need an escape from the real world.

Know that we are with you any time you need to talk and that we are walking along with you to try to give you as much support as we can.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by worried daughter
28 Jun 2013, 12:54 AM

Hi Everyone,  My mom finally agree to homecare and I let no grass beneath my feet. They going to call her on the 21st. On the 18 th she did not answer the phone. I need she was exhausted because the oxygen people were here the day before. I got up on the 19th knowing my mom was gone, before I could leave edmonton I ran in to take toiletries to mother ib law whos now in the hospital. Iithen drove to edmonton to find my mom had passed away all alone . IF I HAD COME IN THE DAY BEFORE......Now I am cleaning out her house. After her memorial on 26th my girls have went on with cause They are tired  ........Will write more when I am home.
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28 Jun 2013, 1:08 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. This must be such a difficult time, but please don't beat yourself up with guilt. You did everything you could for your mom - at least everything and more than she would permit. Now is time to let yourself mourn and take care of that little girl inside of you that lost her mom. Be kind to yourself.

My thoughts are with you.
Colleen 
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Reply by marstin
28 Jun 2013, 2:00 AM

Dear worried daughter,

I am sorry to hear of your mom's passing. It is not uncommon to wish that we had done something different when it comes to losing a loved one. You did all that you could have done while respecting her wishes. Though the road was tough for you, you gave it your best. Now is the time to care for yourself. I hope that as you clean her house out that you will feel her presence there with you. I know that cleaning out my mom's brought me comfort because I was able to more fully understand who she was and to find out things that I never really knew about her or had forgotten. It was a big part of the healing process.

I hope that you will continue to share with all of us. Know that you are not alone and we are here for you and will try to support you as you move ahead.

Hugs,
Tracie
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