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How to deal? - my mother is dying 
Started by Sad1
23 Mar 2013, 9:34 AM
My mom is passing away as I write this.  She has had an extremely fast battle with cancer. I actually can't believe I am writing this and sharing or just looking for help. But I am just trying to figure out how to deal with the loss of her and deal with this moment. This is the hardest thing to go through. I am in so much pain seeing her go through this. She does not deserve this. I know no one does but this is my mom. I am also an I adult only child so this is even more hurtful. If anyone can relate I would value your help. 
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
23 Mar 2013, 5:05 PM
Dear Sad1,

Welcome to Virtual Hospice. I'm so glad that you found us. We will accompany you on this difficult journey. You are not alone. In fact there are several threads that you may wish to read and post a message to. When you post a message, they will receive an email notifying them that a new message has been added.
On these threads, you'll meet andreadzel, GirlWithTheBlackBeret, SeaGlass81, mzmojo, marstin and many more who have walked a similar path. 

I hope it helps for you to keep writing. We're here to listen and to lean on.
Talk soon.
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Reply by mzmojo
23 Mar 2013, 5:49 PM
Hi Sad1, I can totally relate to what you are dealing with.  My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on october 3rd, 2012 and passed away with only me at her bedside on december 21, 2012.  my family all thought she was going to be with us much longer so they had all gone home for the evening.  i have 2 younger brothers and my father is still with us.  I am 45.  I have one daughter who is 22 months old.  she was my parents only grandchild.  my mom was fine up until the diagnosis.  she had some stomach pain but we all thought maybe an ulcer or bowel obstruciton.  not cancer!  she was my world.  she was my best friend.  we spoke everyday and i saw her everyday.  when i had my daughter, my parents watched her for us when we were at work.  all my mom ever wanted was to be a grandma.  she has been so ripped off i believe.  both her and my daughter.  my mom was an amazing woman.  strong, loving, caring, beyond giving and very down to earth.  to watch her endure that hell she had to go through was extremely devastating to say the very least.  i know how you feel to see that.  my mom had just turned 67 in september too.  i am going to counselling constantly.  i go to hospice for group meetings and i go to the mental health unit to speak with a grief specialist and i attend group there as well.  i am also talking to a psychologist.  some of it helps but it is not taking that very big void away that i have.  i feel sick to my stomach all the time and my chest and heart physically ache.  as you can tell, i'm really fresh to this loss...i'm not going to say it will be easy by any means because it will not.  people keep telling me that eventually i will learn to live my life a different way without her.  i really don;t know how.  she was my best friend.  i was able to talk to her about everything.  as i am writing this, i'm crying.  my entire world how i knew it has been broken apart.  i do find that talking to anyone that will listen does ease that hurt just a bit.  even if it is for a little while.  it seems to have scared off friends that i thought were really good friends.  the excuse that they just don't know what to say is to me, b.s.  so, i am basically going through this alone.  i have one good friend that i have had all my life that has lost both parents and she helps.  my family has a difficult time when i cry.  my boyfriend just doesn't know what to do.

please hang in there.  don't be afraid to cry or to reach out.  we are all here and feeling your pain
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Reply by marstin
25 Mar 2013, 5:31 PM
Hi Sad1,

I feel your pain and wish that there was a way around having to go through this. It has been 6 months since I lost my Mom and had just lost my husband 7 1/2 weeks previously to cancer. This is the most difficult thing in life to deal with, losing the great loves in our lives. My only suggestion is to treasure each and every moment that you have together. Live in the moment so that in time you can look back and feel pride for being there, loving them and knowing how greatly you were loved. Does it get easier? I'm still not sure but have been told that it does. What I have gained through all of this is the ability to be so much more compassionate to others and to be less focused on myself. My Mom taught me so many lessons by being in my life and it is up to me now to use these lessons to help other people. As I watch my youngest daughter prepare to celebrate her 21st Birthday without her Dad and her Grandma, I also see the gentleness of her Dad in her and the quick wit that she learned from her Grandma. I know how difficult it will be for her but I believe that what she has learned from me through all of this is strength. How fortunate she is to have had so much love in her life and I believe the same of you.

You will get through this but it will not be an easy path. Those of us who share that pain with you will be here to support you through this difficult time and you will find that you are not alone. We as a virtual family will stand beside you every step of the way.

Please keep writing.

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Reply by NiteLad
25 Mar 2013, 9:10 PM

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  And unfortunately there is no way to go but through.  I lost my Father earlier this month on March 4, so I really can empathize what you are feeling.  It is not at all easy.  Be kind to yourself.... don't forget that while your Mom is going through this, so are you.  Don't be hard on yourself.  I can't say much that will make things easier, but please know that you are not alone on this journey.  Some of us are just at different points along the same path.  A day at a time..... Yesterday has already passed, and tomorrow is not here yet.  

Best wishes.....

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Reply by Sad1
01 Apr 2013, 2:18 AM
Thank you to those who shared their caring words, stories and support.  My mom has since passed away and I can not believe I am having to say that. I am in disbelief.  I have learned a lot about the reality of life while my mom went through her battle.  Such as take each day that is given to you. Enjoy what matters most to you. Those who hurt you should not be allowed to affect you.  Being an only child, though an adult, I feel extremely alone. I only have a couple of immediate family members that right now are of no support.  But have wonderful extended family members.  I never wanted to believe that all this could happen one day. That day has come. My biggest childhood nightmare. Now to move forward but how do you feel like moving forward when your loved one can not. And I see how cancer affects everyone daily, by just reading the notices in the newspaper. My sincere apologies if I am sounding completely depressing, but this all hurts so badly.  I know life is what you make it, but without your parents, it makes it so very hard. 
Thank you virtual hospice for having this site.  Thank you to those who read this. 
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Reply by marstin
01 Apr 2013, 3:43 PM
Hi Sad1,

My heart goes out to you. I know how difficult it must have been for you to travel the road that was forced upon you. This site has been invaluable to me for those in our lives who have never had to deal with this disease have no idea how difficult it is to actually watch the demise of those you love so dearly and how powerless you feel no matter how hard they try. If love could have saved them they would be here until eternity.

Please don't apologize for how you feel. This is the perfect place to unload your fears and your emotions. We all share this forum for our own reasons and each person is here for the good of all who visit here. Picture us as a warm, fuzzy blanket to wrap around you when the waves of pain hit.

Cherish the extreme love that you gave and received from your Mom, it may help you face each day. Try to surround yourself with people who are supportive and loving and steer clear of the ones that are unable to help you at this time. This is a selfish time and it's okay do whatever it takes to get through it. This healing process can be very difficult and you need to take care of yourself.

We are here for you whenever you need to talk. There is always someone ready to listen.

Hugs and love to you,
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Reply by mzmojo
01 Apr 2013, 4:39 PM
Dear Sad1,  so sorry to hear about your mom.  I know what you mean by your worst childhood nightmare coming true.  I was honestly just thinking that to myself over the weekend.  I think I had/have my parents in this bubble where they will be here with me for all time.  Sadly, its not the case.  I wish our parents did not have to be stricken with such a horrendous illness that literally destroyed their bodies and who they were.  My mom passed on December 21, 2012 and I have to say that I am still having a very much difficult time.  I cry all the time, not sleeping, asking her to come back to me, wanting to feel her soft skin (which was like silk), and just to smell her - she always smelled like baby powder or just really fresh.  Even as I am wirting this, I am crying.  I do agree that our parents are what make our life what it is.  I have friends that just can not seem to grasp how important a loss this is.  Some are making me out to be the bad guy because I"m not asking about their issues with guys, daily occurrences, etc.  I do think my trouble is a bit more difficult.  I was told that if i want a good friend i have to be a good friend.  I'm sorry that it was my mother that passed away.  I guess i'm the one that is supposed to repeatedly call people to tell them i need to talk to go for tea...

I go to group meetings and i do find that they help me get through the day even if it is only for a little time.  you should give them a try.

keeping you in my heart, along with the rest of you that have gone through this heartache. :(
Lori (mzmojo)
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Reply by pudding
11 Apr 2013, 12:10 PM
Hi Sad1, sorry to hear about your loss, my sincerest condolences. I lost my Mom on February 24 to cancer, we at least had a year with her, she was very determined and strong right to the end. It is awful, cancer is such a ravaging disease. I hope that you will find some inner peace, I know it seems impossible right now. I have found it really hard to talk with some friends, family and co-workers who just don't understand and have never lost anyone and can't understand. I have just returned from Inida myself, we took my Mom's ashes there. While there I packed up some of her belongings that my great grand parents had given her, and was so excited to tell her about everything only to come to the realization she is gone. It is just heartbreaking.
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Reply by sunflower1973
02 May 2013, 5:38 AM

My thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.  I am also an only child and both my parents have cancer.  My dad has prostrate cancer with bone mets and my mom was newly diagnosed with breast cancer almost two weeks ago.   My dad is entering a new stage of his journey lots of breathing and stomach pain/problems and he starting to sleep alot.  he is usually a go getter.  It rips my heart out to see him suffering.  My mom fingers and toes cross had her cancer detected early.  She had a lumpectomy on Monday and testing shown it has not spead to breast lymph nodes.  Just waiting to get path report to find out what stage and treatment plan.  

I hope you can find peace soon.

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