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Reply by Jimmie

25 Sep 2015, 11:41 AM

Dar:

I wanted to thank you for writing. I appreciate the effort it can sometimes take to do so. This "business" of grieving can be so relentless and exhausting. Everything is leaden. I would like to say something of comfort to you today, something to ease the suffocating weight of your grief, but I find myself at a loss for such words this moring. Empty. Sometimes it is an achievemnt just to get out of bed.

Thank you for the love and support you gave to your husband. There is no better or more deeply appreciated gift.

Jim

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Reply by Dar64

27 Sep 2015, 10:41 AM

Jim:

Thank you for your response Virtual ((hugs)), You are right about grief being relentless and exhausting, sleep is that something you eat? Since Ron went nocturnal i did also, but since his passing i find sleep is something that is taken in naps during the day. In all honesty sleeping has been one of my biggest issues, as a female it is hard to just go to bed alone, you no longer have the loving arms of a man to keep you safe from the world, nor do you have the feeling of security when you are so use to having someone there. I do understand the relentlessness and exhaustion with grieving, i also understand the loss of words, the empty feelings and all that you speak about. I need not be thanked for the love and support i gave to my husband, it was more of an honor to do so, we do the best we can, fight for what is right for our loved ones at all cost. I think he gave me the biggest honor a husband could as i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but instead he spent the rest of his life with me, i was his choice, he knew he would marry me from the first time he seen me from afar i was very much blessed to have hadsuch a wonderful kind, caring and loving husband, as a spouse we do what is needed for that one person we love so profoundly so deeply, Ron honored me with our (2 Kids) what more could one ask for.
I wish you inner peace that brightens your days, love that comforts & conquers even the darkest hours. ((hugs))

With love & hugs
Dar

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Reply by Jimmie

27 Sep 2015, 11:52 AM

Dear Dar:

What a tender and poignant testament you have just written. The familiar physical comfort and security of the the other lying beside you. The warmth of the body. The contentment, The closeness and rest at the end of an ordinary day - bodies ahaped over time by the presence of the other. We sometimes forget that mourning is a matter of the whole body - not just the heart.

Thank you for writing, Dar. The air grows thin and cool in the presence of absence. WE need the blankets of others' arms to shelter and comfort us at such times. Life is, at times, an aimless wandering. days within days. We are sustained - if at all - by the patient support and presence of friends, sometimes even strangers.

Thank you, dear.

Jim

Jim

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Reply by KathCull_admin

03 Oct 2015, 4:10 PM

Hi
Dar64, I so appreciate the phrase you wrote, ‘I was his choice’. I too take great comfort in knowing I was Henry’s choice – for me it is part of the blanket you speak of Jimmie. What a gift to know we have been loved.

Dar64 I don't know if you have met Xenia who is also a strong advocate for healthcare – particularly end of life care in the community. You can see her latest post at But who advocates for me?.

The sun is shining and the leaves are turning all those wonderful colours – yellow, orange and red. I imagine it is or was very beautiful in your end of the country Jimmie. Do you like this time of year? I do but don’t look forward to winter coming.

What about for you Dar64 – are you a fall/autumn kind of person?

Katherine

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Reply by Jimmie

03 Oct 2015, 7:16 PM

Dear Katherine:

Thank you for writing. You ask whether I like this time of year. It is and, for as long as I can remember, has always been my favourite season. We, on the East Coast have had a spectacular fall until recently with bright sunlit days, and comfortably cool evenings. Today, as if to mock me, the weather has turned cold and windy with torrents of rain slashing against our windows, retreating momentarly, and then attacking again. It is a good day to be inside, a good day for a wood fire. As for winter - I must admit that the older I get the less attractive I find the cold and dark of that annual Canadian rite of passage. The one solace I take from winter is the opportunity it sometimes provides to squirrel myself away with friends or family for long evenings of conversation and reflection while the snow and wind lay siege to our house. I enjoy such times in balance with my nights of solitude.

I want to extend my condolances once again to you Katherine, and to Dar as well. I have been hesitant to do so, not because I am unaware of the depth of your mourning, but because such words of condolance however sincere seem so ineffectual in providing any real comfort. You come to understand there are no magic elixers, no fast forward buttons to push you past today, and then tomorrow. The almost manic rush to "closure" our culture sometimes seems to advocate strikes me as outrageously disrespectful and inappropriate. There's a reason why we walk slowly in a funeral procession: it is the natural gait of mourning in the present and to come.

In a moment I will return to the long term care facility where my wife is a resident. I will feed her supper and when she is settled in bed come back to this house. This is a different knd of dying, a different kind of mournng - both protracted over years. It is a kind of slow erosion of familiar shorelines leaving less and less for us to stand upon with the passing of each day.

-with respect, and sorrow, and affection

Jim

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Reply by Dar64

04 Oct 2015, 6:55 AM

Katherine & Jimmie,

I love the fall colours, such a brilliant gift for the eyes to see. Then alast the wintery wonderland will be upon us, i love the snow too, especially the first snow fall where everything looks so fresh and clean (then the slush takes over :( ) but we always know come spring everything starts to gain new life, like the butterfly in a cocoon emirges to fly away.
Katherine i am so sorry for your loss, i am sure people thought i was crazy at times, i would talk about Ron even cry with anyone (yes even at the grocery store) the poor cashiers. Crying washes not only our eyes but our soul too.. I found talking about Ron helps, after all no one can replace another, love transforms into so many ways, we love our kids, we love our pets, we love our spouse and sadly we can lose all of them. We need to learn how to expand our hearts to make room for other loves, no can fill that hole we feel in our hearts. But we are human beings, without love we have no passions. We finally have some good things coming our way which puts me into a whole new realm, i am excited that i have 3 weddings coming up, but sad as well, as what do i do, go as a 5th wheel? or my alterntive has been to ask a dear old friend os Ron's and mine to accompany me to them, he glad said he would be my superman, but i also made it perfectly clear that in no way are they "Dates".. I am not ready for that.. We very slowly make our way through the murky waters of grief and they are baby steps.. There is no need to rush things. Even though Ron was sick it was hard to watch him die, i will never forget what i witnessed in that journey. Take your time with everything Katherine, it softens but never goes away. It is always better to go through the grief never side step or think you can go around it, it will rear its ugly head in the most inappropriate times. I choose to go through it walk right into it, there is a lot of fog, but i have learnt to accept what all that has been. We can not change life's path, i tried that too i begged & pleaded wth God, i offered to sell my soul to the devil himself, i asked the Dr.'s to give from me whatever is needed to keep Ron alive, sadly this was not too be. There are truly no words anyone can say that will comfort, even though they are well intentioned. I send virtual hugs, prayers that you find peace, acceptance, light to light up the darkest hours, and my love to you Katherine..

Jimmie, how lonely it must be to go feed your wife, then return home to the emptiness, i watched my Mother in law do the same for my Father inlaw, what faithfulness it takes, but i am sure your wife feels the love everytime you go to her. I too watched my husband slowly fade, it is heart breaking to say the least, the unknown is the hardest. I use to think is this the night, will i wake and Ron's journey would have ended.. So many questions, so little answers.. But trust that God has each of our paths mapped out. I also send you virtual hugs, prayers for peace, acceptance, light that lights up your darkest hours and my love to you Jimmie & your wife..

If either of you ever have a chance to see Dr. Alan Wolfelt speak i highly recommend it. He is a 30 yr grief councellor from Colorado, such perpective, caring, loving, funny man he is..

- with my deepest condolences Katherine
- love hugs and light to you both as always..

Dar

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Reply by KathCull_admin

11 Nov 2015, 4:44 PM

Hi
Just wanted to let you know that I got a book written by Alan Wolfelt out of the library - both my daughter and I have appreciated the way he writes and his insights. Thanks for that endorsement.

No snow yet - but there is talk.....

Wishing you warmth - whatever the temperature outside.

Katherine

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