Discussion Forums

Grieving too soon?

Started by Zap

22 Jan 2024, 1:40 AM

Hello all. I'm in my early 50s, and my older brother has a brain tumour.

He is my best friend, and I'm not prepared to lose him. I cycle through rage, depression, resignation, and periods of calm.

He is receiving wonderful care from my sister-in-law, and over a year since he fell ill, he is still with us. His strength, resilience, and humour are astounding.

How do I stay in the moment and enjoy however much time we have left, but still prepare myself for the day that I know must come? How do I keep myself from burying him before his time, but still face the truth with clear eyes?

in other words: when do I start to grieve?

I'd appreciate any thoughts. Thanks.

Report this post

Reply by Earla Dawn

22 Jan 2024, 6:32 PM

HI Zap, I am sorry to learn of your brother's illness. I've been in similar shoes. My first thought is he is lucky to have you in his life, plus his wife who is looking after him. You can be the sister, 'all in/there for him.'

You ask some very good questions and I feel you are going into this part of your lives together with integrity and kindness. For myself, I found it helpful and easier to observer my sister - instead of trying to 'think my way through things', what IS best for her...? She was 51 1/2 and we were best friends too so I followed my sister's lead. Whatever she expressed or wanted was good for me And I made it happen. We found activities that made her happy and we followered her interests: family meals, movies, going for drives, sitting in nature. I played her fav music, helped her reach out to friends and family... and cried when she told me to "let her rip, you'll feel better after a cry." She was always right.

I found at times that there was even no need to use words; just being together was good, sitting side by side watching a movie or listening to conversations.

I have had experience with getting help through hospice and found their staff to be well versed in what you are going though right now . Anticipatory Grief. There is one website I could suggest off the top of my head that I found helpful in my early days of learning. https://whatsyourgrief.com/

There are many of us who have been on the same road; you are going through an extraordinary time so extra self-care is important. Take good care of yourself,
Earla
Ps I'm not the swiftest on forums though i am on IG sibling.grief.buds if you'd ever like to DM there.

Report this post

Reply by 12

25 Jan 2024, 2:21 AM

Hello Zap

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my sister, she was 53.

I understand how complicated this can be, with so many emotions, but I hope you are able to enjoy your time with your brother he is very strong, and such a good example.

I have heard anticipatory grief,and have felt this. It made me feel uncomfortable and a it guitly, but I understand now it is. a part of ones process.

I was told there is no one way to greive, no length of time too much or too little.

Take care,

12

Report this post

Enter your email address (the one you used when you joined Canadian Virtual Hospice). We will email you a new password right away.

Email Address:

Become a Member

As a member of the Canadian Virtual Hospice, you can ask a question confidentially on Ask a Professional and contribute to the Discussion Forums. Join for free now to connect and share with others.

Discussion Forum members receive a monthly newsletter. You also have the option to sign up for the Canadian Virtual Hospice monthly newsletter.

Please fill in the information below.

Nickname:*

You will be known to other users only by your nickname. You do not need to reveal your identity by using your full name, real name or email address. Choose a nickname that is easy for you to remember.

Email Address:*

Your email will not be visible on the Virtual Hospice website. We will NOT sell, distribute or misuse your email address.

Password:*

Confirm Password:*

Country: