Dear Carrie:
You have been on my mind strongly this week and especially since yesterday. I was hoping that you and Caron would have reconnected here again and I held back from writing to you until now as I don't want to get in the way of the two of you bonding as you share such similar circumstances.
We are all different and express our needs individually. Sometimes we say more about how we are feeling in the quiet of an empty space than we do with a thousand rambling words, but I simply cannot remain quiet for long. The timing when inspiration compels us to write about our feelings or situations doesn't always coincide with others as we wish, but I just hope that neither you nor Caron are feeling abandoned by us as we are still here for and with you both whenever you decide you want to write again.
I don't know what news you or Caron received about your husbands, but I imagine that it was exhausting for you each just anticipating the doctor's appointments. Now that these latest appointments are over perhaps the news you received is taking time to absorb. I'm thinking of you, Carrie and you too Caron, and hoping that you are not made to wait long for the answers you have been waiting to hear. Most importantly, whatever news you may have been told this week, I want you to know you do not have to face your feelings alone.
Carrie, when Colleen added her link about visitors I was happy to read the article which is full of great ideas and I hope you will be able to use some of them! ;-) I want you to know that I had a strong reaction to a particular piece of advice “you can’t deny the community of which you are a part.” and wanted to share my perspective with you.
Personally, if I were in your situation, I know with all certainty that I would want only my immediate family and closest friends visiting and I would want and insist upon lots of advance notice. That's just me, aka control freak and a highly private personality. I may sound anti-social but I assure you I’m not. I just really don’t have close relationships with neighbours to the degree that they would be welcome to visit me at any time in my home without an invitation, and most assuredly not when I’m ill or dying. I don’t feel that sense of responsibility to my neighbourhood per se.
In my opinion no matter how close-knit or small a community may be, I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to share the serious and private situations or end of life experiences with well-meaning neighbours. A person’s serious illness or a death in a community no doubt impacts all those living within it, but I have known many people from rural townships and there is a lot of resentment expressed secretly about the intrusiveness of others. The old stereotype of people living in small towns knowing everyone else's business is not always true, and when true, not always welcome.
My daughter’s mother-in-law “Mary” lived in a tiny community all her life. She married there and raised her children in this small town. Doors were unlocked and neighbours routinely walked into one another’s homes without warning and were accommodated if not genuinely made to feel at home. When “Mary” got cancer her needs changed with the news. The next door neighbour used to show up and offer to do personal things for her and “Mary’ felt obligated to consider the neighbours need to help over her own need for privacy. The neighbour lady would call on the phone if the doorbell went answered. It wore “Mary” out trying to escape the constant intrusions and she never had the nerve to be honest with her neighbour and others in her community to express her true feelings and to ask that her privacy be respected. It was not until she moved in with my daughter and son-in-law that she got any peace. I know I would not be so considerate because I believe we all have a right to our own space and sometimes we need much more of t in order to cope with whatever it is we have going on in our lives.
I just hope you feel supported in how you are feeling overwhelmed about the unexpected visitors and your particular preferences. Different strokes for different folks in communities of all shapes and sizes.
Take care Carrie and know I am keeping you and your husband and Caron and hers and both of your families in my prayers. hugs xo & hugs xo
Cath1