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Extremely preoccupied and Frustrated 
Started by sunflower1973
28 Apr 2013, 11:26 PM

Hi Everyone,

Its my moms surgery t.m. and i'm out of sorts.   I'm finding it very hard to concentrate and focus on anything.   I feel like i'm losing control.  My husband is saying just relax...... I know he means well but I am finding it very fruserating.  I'm a teacher so I had to write my sub plans and had a hard time to concentrate to wtite them took me five hours..... Then I phoned my parents to firm up details for t.m.   My dad is gasping for air and his enhalers aren't helping he is refusing to go to the hospital.  He is so damn stubborn...............

I am pissed at the world right now !!!!!!!!!!!  

grrr,
Sunflower 
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Reply by marstin
29 Apr 2013, 5:19 AM

Hi Sunflower,

I have been looking to see if you have written on here before so that I could find some background on what it going on in your life. Can you tell us a little more about yourself? What kind of surgery is your mom going in for? Telling someone to relax never really works but I'm sure your husband is worried about you.  I guess we all have to figure out our way to control our stress. For myself, I use deep breathing exercises and that seems to calm me a bit. Sometimes going out for a brisk walk works also. It sounds like you have alot on your plate with both of your parents being sick. My dad used to be a very stubborn man also and would decide what time of the day that we should call an ambulance for him. It never made much sense to any of us but we just did what he wanted to avoid him getting annoyed.

Please tell us a little bit more about your situation so that we can try to help you through this.

Tracie
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Reply by sunflower1973
29 Apr 2013, 5:55 AM

Last Friday my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer from a biospy of breast tissue surrounding a cyst she had removed from her right breast a month ago.   Tomorrow she has surgery we dont't know what kind she is having yet, that will be determined by Sentinel Lymph Node Mapping tomorrow (cancer staging).  My dad has prostrate cancer that has spread to his bones also his heart is very weak and has been detoriating with congetive heart failure since 2002  he was doing okay with hormone treatments  and his PSA levels were going down.  A month ago on the same day my mom had her cyst/final biospy surgery my dad had his first treatment of Zometa to assist with the bone mets.   He has side effects digestion discomfort and shortness of breath.  Two weeks ago my dad had a cold and his stomach and heart started to swell and was having problems breathing and was given antibiotics and more enhalers.  He was feeling a bit better but the stress of my mom or his underlying conditions has brought back the shortness of breath and the enhalers are not working and he is refusing to go the the hospital.  
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Reply by marstin
29 Apr 2013, 5:51 PM

Hi,

You certainly have a mountain of worries on your shoulders. It's difficult when you are dealing with someone who refuses help when you know that they truly need it. It just puts more pressure on you. It's possible that your dad is feeling like giving in will bring a loss of control. I guess we all feel like that at times. May I ask how old your parents are?

I hope all goes well today with your mom's surgery. The unknown is always the frightening part. Sometimes we wish we had a crystal ball to peer into but in all honesty it's probably better that we don't. I would guess that you have read many of the postings on here and the bottom line is to take care of yourself while you support your loved ones. I know how easy it is to forget that we as caregivers need to take time for ourselves and to get rest, eat properly and to take time out to just breathe and push away our worries for even just a few moments.

Know that we are here to walk beside you and to support you as best we can.

Hugs,
Tracie

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Reply by sunflower1973
29 Apr 2013, 6:05 PM

Hi,
My mom is 69 and dad is 75.   Mom is in surgery now I will be able to see her at 2:30.  I went home as I would be worse at the hospital and the hospital is only 10 away.  My moms nurse today was really mean it did not help the situation.   Watching my parents say bye to each other before the surgery was heartbreaking, it was like watching the Notebook but the main charachetes are your parents.   Befor they wheeled my mom to the or I was wanting to hold both her hands and nurese meany pants was quite rude and said in a mean tone the orderly needs her wrist.   Trying to keep busy tried to clean up my flower bed for the upcoming gardening season.

thanks all of you for your positive engery,
Sunflower 
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Reply by marstin
29 Apr 2013, 6:51 PM

Hi,

I truly wonder sometimes why nurses don't have to go through a yearly mental assessment to see if they are equipped to deal with patients and family with care and compassion. It's a fortunate thing that most are amazing but those few that are wicked make it very difficult to go through the hospital stay. One stands out in my mind and she cursed and swore at patients in the emergency room years back when my mom fractured her hip. About four years later when my husband was in palliative care that voice echoed through his room. My youngest daughter and I both looked at each other in horror, it was the nurse from hell,still swearing, at my husbands roommate. Unbelievable.

How beautiful and touching that your parents reminded you of the notebook. That kind of love is so rare.

I'm glad that you've chosen to go home and work in the garden. I have never been a big gardener but through Len's illness I found such contentment in clearing out my gardens and still now find that it brings me solace to do that.

Please let us know how things go.

Hugs,
Tracie
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Reply by NatR
07 May 2013, 3:23 AM

Dear sunflower

just dropping a line to see what's been happening for you and your parents.

Tracie has been giving you some great advice about dealing with the stress you are going through, just wondered what's the latest news.

its so difficult to be caring for both parents and watching them as they face illness and separation
i hope you can let us know how things are.

i am saddened to hear that staff are less than professioal.  Perhaps you will be able to address this problem as well, when you have time.  No one should be angry and causing stress for you or your parents.  

Sending best wishes,
natR 
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Reply by JennJilks
07 May 2013, 1:05 PM

Sunflower, I've been there done that...
Mom was having chemo, whilst dad was having radiation treatments.
I was teaching gr. 7/8 anger management boys.
I was unable to plan, to create curriculum, to make decisions. I was dissed by my principal for writing terrible lesson plans for the kids. That made it all worse!

It is a horrible time.
Forgive yourself, give yourself permission to do only what you can do.
Respect your father's decision over quality of life, vs. quantity. You cannot tell him what to do.
It is not like he is your child and you are responsible.
I've seen too many suffer with COPD, unable to breathe, you have to breathe for yourself. 
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Reply by sunflower1973
09 May 2013, 1:52 AM

Hi Everybody,

Just wanted to give an update about my Mom's surgery.  She did very well, lymph nodes all clear.  Will not know what stage until we get path report in 3 -7 days.   He thinks just radiation but can't confirm that until they get the final path report.  The day of the surgery my dad was not doing too well severe stomach pain. He said he might of wanted us to take him to the ER later that day.    When I went back to my mom's hospital bed I didn't know what to say to my mom when she asked how my dad was so I said he was fine and just relaxing.  At that moment I had the wierdest feeling.  I was extremly happy one moment and sad the next!   Now my mom is doing not too bad she is just tired and achy plus last week she had a soar throat from being intibated for two hours.  My dad has been having good days just more tired than he was.

I am very happy for all of this and try not to dwell on how they were before they were diagnosed.   This is the new normal for my family right now and am just happy right now they are not suffering too much physically.

I feel right now is the calm before another storm but I like I said above I am trying my hardest to embrace ev ery positive moment and try not to think in the future.

Personally last week all the stress of last while manifested in severe muscle pain all over so I nutured myself and went for an hour and a half hot stone message.

Peace for all,
Sunflower 

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Reply by moderator | modératrice
26 May 2013, 1:08 AM

Hi Sunflower,

How are you? You had so many things going on when you last wrote. I'm sure much has happened in the past couple of weeks. Did you get a clear picture of your Mom's diagnosis and treatment plan? How is your father doing? And, of course, how are you managing? 

We look forward to hearing from you when you can. In the meantime, know that we are thinking of you and are always here when you need us.
Colleen
 
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