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Brother has stage 4 cancer and has stopped talking to me, sad. 
Started by sunshine12
05 Nov 2013, 10:52 PM

Help, not sure how to talk about all this, my brother when first diagnosed with stage 4 cancer talked about killing himself when the cancer got bad and wanted me to get him a gun, no idea where or why he would think i could get one.  I asked him why he wanted a gun and disagreed with him, but understood his fear.  He has since cut me out of his life and does not want me anywhere around him or anyone to talk about me and has banned me from his funeral.  I am lost and confused and blame myself for talking to him about the gun and why he wanted to do it that way.  I did say that there was easier ways and he demanded that I tell him.  I wish I never said that, I was just so uncomfortable and didnt know what to say other thank why a gun and other ways. I feel guilty over even saying there was easier ways i just couldnt imagine the way he wanted and just wanted to shut him up. He said I should never had said there was an easier way unless I was going to tell him. I was like I just said that, but not that I wanted him to find an easier way, more like I didnt know what else to say.  I think he is going to kill himself near the end and he knows I do not agree. I am emotionally tied to this and I need help to deal with it. I am afraid when he does go, I will have a lot of guilt.  I love him even thought he has been mean to me, I know he is so scared. I am sad that I cant ever see or talk to him again and that it is going to end so scary for him.  I lost my brother and he is still alive. Sad.
Help me forgive myself and let him and this go.
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Reply by moderator | modératrice
06 Nov 2013, 4:10 AM

Hi Sunshine12,

Welcome to Virtual Hospice. I'm glad that you found us so that you don't have to be alone with your thoughts, doubts and anguish. This is not a situation with clear or simple answers, but we can listen.

If you read the thread started a while back by idontknow you'll see a few parallels. How can I get my brother who has cancer to let us in.

Everyone's situation is different of course. In fact, you may wish to write to our team of experts on Ask a Professional

Does your brother live alone? Do you get news of him from other family members or friends? 

PS: I removed your duplicate post so that you don't have to keep track of 2 simultaneous conversations. I'll direct everyone here.

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Reply by marstin
06 Nov 2013, 4:41 AM

Hi Sunshine12,

What a heavy burden for you. May I ask how long it's been since he spoke to you? What type of cancer does he have? It sounds like he wanted to vent his fear and anger and you unfortunately became the target. I can't imagine how anyone could respond to his unreasonable plea for a way to take his life. You did the best that you could considering the circumstances. I don't think I would have dealt with it any different. Are there other family members? Maybe they could try to reason with him. This is a really tough situation. Hopefully others who have gone through similar things can share their experiences with you on here.

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Reply by idontknow
06 Nov 2013, 5:28 AM

Hi Sunshine12


The relationship that we have with our brothers is so special.  We want to protect them, guide them and make them better.  
I do love my brother,  he is no longer with us now.  It has been almost nine months.  He struggled with his cancer, kept it to himself.  He was angry too, like your brother.  He was not the brother I remembered.  The sickness changed him. I felt the brunt of his anger and fear, it was hard.  I understand now, he loved me but he was envious that I was well.  I accept his behavior now, I forgive him.

My heart breaks for you.  Be strong and forgiving.

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Reply by sunshine12
06 Nov 2013, 11:52 AM

It started when he was first diagnosed last year at this time. He has Brain Cancer, I hear how he is from everyone, I have two other brothers. I also hear he is taking it out on the family, I sometimes pretend he is protecting me from all this instead of the hate he sends when I try and reach out. The doctors gave him a 18 months if he did chemo, which he did, he will probably go next year sometime.  My brother did a lot of drugs, drank heavily and lived a decadent life, but always lived in fear, and anger, he was not the brother I was close to from my childhood, adulthood changed our relationship, i am morning the younger version of my older brother not the adult one, as he was not very nice. But I do know that was not him either.  I am not sure if I should honor his wishes at this funeral? That day I dread.
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Reply by Brayden
07 Nov 2013, 3:00 AM

Dear Sunshine12,
I can just sense the anquish you are going through with your brother. It is so easy to get hard on yourself and take on the guilt of thinking you could have done things differently. It sounds to me that your brother has not been open and honest enough with you for you to get a clear picture of what is really going on. That must really make it hard for you to know what steps to take. The whole issue of the gun may not be the problem at all but only a test for you on his part. 
As difficult as it is, you may have to get to the point where you just say that you have done everything within your control to change things for the better and leave it at that.
Another thought would be to write him a message stating things like; you are sorry if there is anything that you did that hurt him, you may not always have agreed with some things that he did but that you love him dearly and will always be there for him if he needs you. 
It is good to say those things now as it will help you after he is gone and you still question yourself as to what you did or did not say.
Funerals are for family and friends and not for the dead. You should feel free to make the decision to go, for your sake and your family.
Please keep posting here and you will get a variety of ideas. We care about you here.
A virtual hug.
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Reply by marstin
09 Nov 2013, 2:06 AM

Hi Sunshine12,

I thought that possibly was what your brother had although sometimes certain medications can cause extreme behavior. What a loyal, loving person you are. I think we all beat ourselves up at certain points in our lives thinking that if we had said something different or done something a different way that the outcome might have been different. I think the easiest way to deal with thoughts like this is to try to believe that things are going a certain way for a reason. It sounds like your brother is determined to try to force everyone from his life at a time when he needs them the most. Maybe it's the disease or maybe it's just his nature. I know that my husband was a very kind and gentle man and yet because of his illness and the medication he would sometimes get angry and swear at us. Totally out of character for him. With your brother already being an angry man for many years this has probably just added fuel to the fire. Whatever it is, you have done your best to be there for him.

As Brayden said, funerals are for the family and friends. It's a time for you to pay your respects and I don't think you would be wrong in attending it.

We are here for you.

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