Hi mcivor1941:
My heart goes out to you for the very recent loss of your husband at such a relatively young age and with so much you were both looking forward to sharing in your senior years. The sadness you feel is no doubt overwhelming for you and I can understand how much you much miss your husband.
It's heartbreaking to hear that while you are going through this intense stage of grief that you and your daughter have had a falling out and have had tension between you since that last week of your husband's life. I imagine it all feels very unfair to you and you sound as if you feel cut off from a very important source of love and support since your misunderstanding with your daughter. From many stories I have heard though, these kinds of indiscriminate arguments often arise when people are hurting and may not have the best words to express their feelings to one another. Wedges are formed and bridges are burned at the precise time when one needs a hand to hold, a close embrace and the compassionate comfort of loved ones. It is so unfortunate that life is not always as we wish it could be. Watching a loved one in the process of dying is a very emotionally taxing experience for families, even for the most close knit families, but with effort healing can and usually does happen when things settle down some.
Your daughter may actually find it too painful to deal with your grief which may come across as selfishness when in realty it may be because she cares so deeply for you and it hurts her to see you suffering. Perhaps she is keeping her distance and using the argument as an excuse to do so until she feels within herself she is strong enough to cope with her own and her children's grief before she can even begin to think about and face yours.
I myself have been in situations where people I love dearly have needed me and I have felt completely inadequate to respond as I wish to be there in the way they expect or need me to be. I can guarantee you it's not because I don't care in those cases, it's because I just don't have the inner strength to cope in those moments with my own feelings and theirs. Conflict can also sometimes be an opportunity to clear the air and become even closer. I hope this will be the ultimate result for you and your daughter.
Do you have other children or close family or friends you can lean on a little while you are going through so much and feeling so alone? If you have even one person you trust to be vulnerable with and whom is strong enough to offer you support at this time, please reach out. You need support and there may be bereavement support groups in your area. You can contact your local hospital or family doctor to ask what is available to you.
Also please know that no matter how lonely and lost you may be feeling that you will not feel this way forever. You were married for just shy of 50 years and that is an amazing accomplishment and it will take some time to adapt to his absence in your life. Your husband probably knew you better than anyone else. You were probably content and comfortable with him and yourself as a couple and now without him physically present it is asking a lot of yourself to expect that you will quickly adapt to your new circumstances.
My uncle passed away two years ago and left behind his widow, my aunt. She was then 80 years old. I have watched her adjust over time and with help to reinvent herself as a single and independent woman with a new identity. She says that it's like she and my uncle were almost one person and she felt for a long time as if a big part of herself was missing. She described the experience to me as my uncle was like a phantom limb she could still feel attached to her body and soul. She could feel the limb and its aches and pains were relentless even though no one else could see it. She longed to be with her husband again and found it so painful to imagine that she could not cradle him forever in her arms. She now cradles his memory in her heart instead and these cherished memories now bring her comfort.
Today, two years later, I know she has made great strides in accepting the loss of her lifemate and she has embraced the challenge of becoming reacquainted with herself as simply a woman, with a long history no doubt, but also with a bright future for which to look forward. She is no longer her husband's wife, (although she will always be in her heart) yet she is still a mother and grandmother, and aunt, a cousin, a friend, a neighbour and most importantly she is a strong woman with much to contribute in her own right. She has survived to prove to herself and others that she is resilient and while she was not always so optimistic throughout her mourning, which undoubtedly continues though not nearly as intensely, and she could tell you that while it is defintely not easy, she did, as you too will one day, arrive at a point of acceptance to again experience joy and fulfillment in her life.
I am praying for you tonight, and I am hoping that you and your daughter will soon find a way to communicate and to support one another in your sorrow. You are not alone mcivor1941 and I hope you will continue to reach out to us in the Virtual Hospice community and in your local community to ask for and receive the support you deserve. We are here for you.
Take care and have a peaceful weekend.
VHcath