Dear PPP:
This is my first time responding to your posts although I have been following your story and feel your heart break. First, please accept my deepest sympathies for the loss of your husband, your life mate. I have never walked in the shoes you are now forced to wear and I can only imagine how hard it is for you to adjust.
Even though I have never suffered the loss of a mate through death, I do empathize with you. I know how it feels to lose someone so close to you as was your husband, someone you love with all your heart and soul, someone whose presence in your life made all the difference; whose smile and strength, acceptance and love, kindness and laughter made you and your life feel more worthwhile every day. I felt that way about my late Mom although of course the relationship between mother and daughter and that between husband and wife is different, I too had to make and am still making many adjustments to my life without my Mom in it.
I have grown children as well and can relate to what you say about not wishing to add to your children's burden of sorrow over the loss of their father. It is sometimes easier to share with people less close the most intimate hurts we carry with us. I hope you are finding it helpful to share your trials and triumphs here with us as I'm sure you will experience both while grieving. You have begun the hard work of healing and though everyone says that it takes time, something that in a moment of inexpressible sorrow can seem heartless to hear let alone truly accept, it is the truth. Time helps the healing process and we cannot hurry it up.
I know that many married couples fall into patterns of daily living and when one partner is gone it takes the other a lot of time and effort to define a new way of living in the world. Your world does feel different to you, PPP, but that doesn't mean it will always feel overwhelmingly sad. You will get through this experience even when you question, quite naturally, your ability to cope. You will have moments when you think you’ve made progress only to fall steps behind, but I have found that every step of sorrow I’ve been forced to repeat has taught me resilience, bolstered my confidence and harnessed my hope.
You will come to realize in time how incredibly strong you are now - in this very moment in fact - and perhaps much to your surprise you will find qualities in yourself that you didn't know existed or re-discover parts of yourself that have been dormant during the years you focused all your attention on your husband and kids. Your new challenge in life is to reacquaint yourself with you and to become your own best friend. That is no easy task but it is especially difficult when your heart and your mind - your soul - is missing your husband.
For me, I have found the self-discovery element of grief quite enlightening and I believe I have been positively transfigured through the experience so far, as painful as it has been, (and it has without question been excruciatingly painful at times in the past as I expect it will again at times in the future), I have grown and I am learning to accept and to live with the loss of my Mom.
The silence you speak of when there is no longer your husband to talk to or hear from I imagine to you is deafening. Your feelings of loneliness and despair are shared by many people and you are not alone in finding it difficult to deal with your emotions. Forty years side by side your husband, your shared lifetime together, is extraordinary and you have had only four months to adjust to your new life without him.
As a bit of practical advice to you I suggest you renew old friendships, refocus your attention on existing friendships and reach out to support groups, clubs or volunteer communities in your area if possible and if you feel able. Broaden your areas of interest or take up a hobby or passion you had put aside. Being involved with others can help, and if you feel weepy, good people will understand and embrace you and your need to express your feelings.
PPP, I think your husband would be so proud of how well you are coping as you learn to stand strong your own two feet while facing your fears - which in my books makes you fearless, fierce and a force of a woman to be reckoned with - look out world - here comes PPP!:-) You are at the beginning of your journey without your soul mate and I hope you will always be kind and patient with yourself until the time comes when you are able to feel less lost. I know that time will come and you will be able to live your life without feeling in every moment the massive pressures of grief weighing on your heart, your mind and your body. I am hoping that with each day that passes you will feel more hopeful, settled, peaceful and strong. You have immense courage, PPP and I believe that through your unavoidable suffering you will survive it to find your own path towards a contented heart and happiness again. Please remember, you are never alone.
With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1