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Réponse de Cath1
11 sept. 2012, 3 h 16

Happy Birthday, Mark99!

I am assume it's your 64th birthday, is that correct? Or - am I making an ass out of u and me? lol I couldn't resist that old joke!:)
    
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCss0kZXeyE 

I am posted here a Youtube link for the Beatles song, "When I'm 64" in honour of you, what you have been through this past year, and to wish you hope and healing as you greet the year ahead of you! Your Donna may not be able to answer your question today, but I know that she answered it every day when she was living and loving you, and of course her answer would be today as it was always, "Yes!"

Thank you Mark99 for writing again about what you deal with each day you face without Donna. No one says it quite like you! You are, without realizing it perhaps, finding your way in the world. You have found us and a welcome place to expand your reach and to share your wisdom. You help us all to understand more fully your experience of sorrow and by doing so you teach us about the everlasting nature of true love, and the importance of hope, support and friendship.

You will continue to make your mark on the world (no pun intended:). I hope you enjoyed your special day knowing that many people here at Virtual Hospice think you're a pretty special person!:-)

Wishing you many happy returns, Mark99!

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1           
 
Réponse de Mark99
11 sept. 2012, 16 h 31

Thank you Cath1. Great picture. And I am glad I am able to share well here. I must say this site makes it easy there is a gestalt here that lends it self to good sharing. 

I will continue to fight forward.

Mark  
 
Réponse de Cath1
11 sept. 2012, 19 h 03

Dear Mark99:

Thanks for your message! I had to look up the meaning of gestalt online and here's what I found. 

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/gestalt
   ge·stalt or Ge·stalt (g-shtält, -shtôlt, -stält, -stôlt)
n. pl. ge·stalts or Ge·stalts or ge·stalt·en or Ge·stalt·en (-shtältn, -shtôltn, -stältn, -stôltn) A physical, biological, psychological, or symbolic configuration or pattern of elements so unified as a whole that its properties cannot be derived from a simple summation of its parts

My vocabulary is bound to grow with you here in our community!:) Gestalt is the perfect description of Virtual Hospice. We are indeed stronger together than alone.

I have no doubt that you will continue to make progress, Mark99 and as you do you will help us to make progress along with you! You are an important element of our unity as a whole at Virtual Hospice.


Dear Jane (PPP):

Thank you immensely for reaching out so compassionately to Carriek on the other thread! Your voice, your experience and your empathy all contribute so much to Virtual Hospice as we all strive to establish and nurture genuine healing connections. You make a big difference to us all and I am so glad you are with us! We are not alone!

Mark99 and Jane - I'm wishing you both strength and hope today as you live through your personal time of grieving one day at a time . . . 

With affection -hugs xo
Cath1    
 
  
 
Réponse de marstin
23 nov. 2012, 4 h 50

Thank you Colleen for sending me this link. As I read the messages here I feel some comfort. I'm not sure at this time whether I have really started the grieving process. I lost my love, Len on July 15th to bladder cancer on what was to be our wedding day. He had proposed to me on Valentine's day after 23 years of unwedded bliss. My mom went into the hospital with heart and kidney problems the day after he passed away and never recovered. She passed 7 weeks later. This rocked the lives of myself and my two daughters. At 20 and 22 they have endured more than most individuals do in a lifetime. They helped nurse their dad at home in his final month then spent most of their spare time at the hospital with me hoping that at least their grandma would survive. We had spent nearly every day with her before that. It is so difficult to imagine that my two closest friends are both gone. I find it hard to grieve aside from a few tears. I was doing a balancing act in the beginning but all it took was having my sister in law go into my mom's home right away and pack up her bedroom to unravel me. I was furious. We aren't a large family and now there is a rift between my brother and I. Most of my friends live at a distance and I can't lean on my daughters so I feel incredibly alone. I have barely started the mountain of paperwork from Len's will and face losing our home due to debts incurred from when he was ill. I have been a stay at home mom for 18 years and I know that my girls are so scared that I will not survive. Len enjoyed having us lean on him for everything thing and for that he apologized not long before he passed away. All he was concerned with was us... Oh, and the canucks. I guess that is why there has been no nhl this year. Yes, I still try to keep my sense of humor or maybe it's insanity or a bit of both.
 
Réponse de Cath1
23 nov. 2012, 16 h 38

Dear Tracie (marstin):

Welcome to Virtual Hospice! You are among friends!:) I am sending you my deepest  sympathies for the loss of your husband Len and your Mom. -hugs- -hugs- endless hugs . . .

While we have not all endured the same kind of overwhelming grief that you are experiencing, we each bring a perspective on suffering and survival after profound loss that I hope will add to your incredible courage as you continue to connect with us here.

I read your posts in other threads and I want you to know that I held back from writing there to you because I was hoping to give Jane (PPP) and Carolyn (Carriek) an opportunity to bond with you as they know first hand how it feels to lose one's partner and soulmate. Sometimes there are lapses in the responses, but that  does not reflect on you whatsover. Sometimes, as you may know better than most, it simply feels too painful to write what our hearts are feeling in the moment. Silence and isolation can be a big part of grief I believe.

I am writing to you today, because I know firsthand how it feels to lose one's mother and best friend. My Mom, Martha died on December 5th 2010. In less than two weeks I will mark the 2nd anniversary of her death, but I am trying to gear myself up to tune my heart and my thinking to a kinder place where I will be even more able to celebrate her 84 years of life rather than to dwell so painfully on her last part of life and her passing.

My whole heart feels for you, Tracie! What you have suffered in these past few months is something I can only imagine, though I do genuinely empathize with you! That you have reached out to us for support speaks loudly to me that you are courageous beyond words and I know your insights will help heal others as you find healing yourself! Thank you for joining with us to explore and express your deepest feelings as you travel the lonely road of sorrow. You will not be alone when you are in the company of your virtual companions!

It is so very sad that your Mom passed away only seven weeks after your husband Len died. Just at the time I imagine you most needed your Mom to lean on, you felt abandoned and betrayed, not by your husband or your Mom, but by life itself. Life can feel cruel and the timing of these pivotal events in your life could not have placed upon your sweet shoulders a greater burden. Bless you, Tracie and bless your sweet daughters as well! I embrace you and yours with not only with virtual hugs but with a real wish for strength and peace and resilience as you grieve together your unspeakable losses.

You have experienced the sharp sting of grief before so long ago when you yourself were a young woman as your daughters are now. As tragic as was your loss of your then boyfriend due to suicide, it must have deepened you and your experience of life and I can see by your writing that the sorrow that took so much innocence from you at a young age, also gifted you with depth and compassion. My Mom had a mental illness that coloured darkly at times, her life and mine.  

Tracie, please know I am here for you when you need to talk, as are we all. I don't watch hockey - heaven forbid:) - but if Len had such a lifelong reverence for the game, I think it is possible that he decided it cannot go on this season without him!:) Your humour is amazing, Tracie and in my experience, laughter lives among the tears as we mourn and helps us to cope when everything else in our lives makes so little sense. 

The family dynamics may ease with time. When my grandmother passed away ten years before my Mom died, one of the aunt's did the same as your sister-in-law. It caused tension in the family, but I think, she being the practical one, her intentions were to make things easier for the others who couldn't make a decision about my grandmother's belongings and may have left those decisions for a much later time. When others are involved in the grieving process, as usually there are many, it tends to complicate what is a very highly charged time emotionally. Every small and large decision is magnified through the unforgiving lens of shock and sorrow and has consequences when people don't approach things the same way. I have foud in my experience, rarely do we experience loss the same way. You need your brother now and I'm sure he needs you. I'm so sorry you have experienced this rift, but I hope it will heal in time and in the presence of mutual love and loss.

You will find a way to go forward, Tracie, to find work and purpose and meaning. Your daughters are so blessed to have you loving and protecting them at this vulnerable time in their lives! Your confidence is now very low and that is natural in your circumstance, but your courage is blinding to all those who stand in its shadow. You are wise to take everything one day at a time. Sometimes in grief all we see is the forest, but when we focus on each individual tree in our path, we discover a way through to see new horizons waiting to greet us. On your new horizon I hope there will be painted a beautiful future! We will be here for you until you can see it!:)  

With affection -hugs- -xo-
Cath1 
 
Réponse de marstin
24 nov. 2012, 0 h 39

Thank you so much Cath1 for your kind words. If not for my wonderful daughters I don't know if I could face another day. They look to me for guidance and at times I find this a little overwhelming yet I suppose it keeps me on track. Today when I took the oldest to work I decided to take advantage of the Black Friday deals. I wandered the mall for a few hours and did some shopping until the memories of past Christmas's overtook me. Len used to take the girl's and I to the states every year for black friday shopping and in his patient way he just sat and waited until we were done. Also, most Christmas's I would be out with my mom helping her get her shopping done. I'm sure that they are both pushing me to make sure the girl's have as good of a Christmas as they can.

My brother and I are working to get along. I don't believe that it will happen with my sister in law. There have been many family issues in the past concerning her and the females in our family. Unfortunately when she was working on clearing only my mom's room, my niece called my brother and begged him to stop her knowing full well the pain it would cause. He didn't. Him and I have guardedly spoken about it since and I have asked that he not allow this to destroy his involvement with his nieces, they have lost enough family. His wife did something similar when her dad passed away and alienated her brother and his family. They have not spoken since. My niece and nephew (not her children) are supportive and are working with my brother and I to help move forward on my mom's estate in a timely pace and with emotions forefront.

Ah the hockey! We used to laugh at Len when he'd holler at the tv. About a week before he passed, he was staring off into space (I thought) and I asked what he was looking at. He looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes and whispered 'hockey'. He was watching the tv. He was such a kind, gentle man. Our youngest is so similar to him.

I remember reading someone's message where they were asking if anyone had thought of going to a medium. Trying to dig deep inside of myself for a form of spirituality and acceptance I have gone to a medium. It brought me much solace. She told me that they were both with me constantly to try to bring me comfort and so many of the things she said were things that she could not have just guessed at. I have seen a few mediums (the last one was the best) and the common thread is a for sale sign on our house and downsizing. The girl's and I have discussed it and though none of us are comfortable with change, we know that it's just too much work to keep the house up by ourselves. Hopefully we will find a home that works for us and our dog Bella.

Through all of this craziness I have managed to reconnect with my half sister that I haven't seen for nearly 30 years. She saw my mom's obituary and reached out to me. She is 10 years older than me and lives in Toronto (I am in BC). We email constantly now and she helps to keep me grounded. It's been quite interesting how the people that you truly think will be there for you when things are bad aren't the ones that are and others who you wouldn't expect to be are a source of strength. I listen to my daughter's talk about how people expect you to be all better in a short length of time and sadly realize how true that is. Having dealt with my boyfriends death years ago taught me that lesson the hard way. When my dad passed away just over 4 years ago, I don't really think there was much support then either. I do understand that people get caught up in their lives. My oldest daughter has only one friend that saw Len not long before he passed away. Having never been a very caring guy, he actually checks in from time to time see how she is. I guess he understands how tough it must have been for her to watch her dad waste away as he did.

Well, I could talk all night but I won't. I hope all of you are facing each day with a sense of hope. I have to believe it will get better.

Hugs to all,
Tracie
 
Réponse de Cath1
24 nov. 2012, 3 h 03

Hi Tracie:

Thank you for taking the time to write again!:)

I am so happy to hear that there is a bridge being built where you and your brother can meet in the middle until things settle down. Family relationships are complex, but it is great that you have chosen to rebuild the bridge rather than burn it. He is in a bad spot and may feel really torn between his loyalty to his wife and to you. It's sad that your sister-in-law inserted herself into the situation with so little respect and sensitivity for your feelings about your Mom.

I can see how your love for your daughters keeps you going and I understand how hard it must feel for you to keep up for their sake. I agree with you that as hard as it is to go on without Len and your Mom, your daughters and their needs motivate you to rise to the challenge when your whole being may feel like shutting down. They are indeed your inspiration as I'm sure you are theirs!

Your husband sounds like such a sweet guy! You are so lucky to have had so many great years together. It's tragic that what was supposed to bring happiness to you both on your wedding day ended up being one of the saddest days of your life and the last day of Len's life here on earth with you. While your dreams for the future that you had imagined together were crushed on that fateful day, I know that your memories of the special relationship you had shared over a lifetime will remain with you to console your broken heart. 

What a heartwarming story it is to hear that you and your half-sister have reconnected after all those years apart! I'm so happy that you have rekindled that loving and supportive relationship. Though she is in Toronto, as am I, and you are in B.C., when hearts share a genuine rapport there is no real distance.

With Christmas just a month away, I think it's amazing that you are focusing on your daughters as you are determined to make it the best Christmas possible for you all. Your attitude is unbelievably positive, and I think it must be in your nature, the sheer willpower you have to push through the pain you are feeling as you wait for better days ahead. Your belief that things will improve in time is one I share.

As for your experience with mediums, I happen to believe in the power of psychic gifts. Having said that, I also think when one is grieving you have to be very careful about who you trust to do readings for you when seeking this particular type of guidance as there are some who are not genuinely gifted intuitively, but are gifted con artists who may try to exploit the weakness they detect when they see someone in sorrow.

Unless your house sale is an urgent matter, my advice to you would be to wait some time before making any major decisions about a move. I hope when you do make that decision and ultimately relocate that you and your daughters will feel that your new home will represent a hopeful new start rather than another sad loss.

Until the next time we connect, Tracie, I will be thinking of you and your girls and hoping that your strength and your hope for a better day only grows. There is no time limit on grief as you rightly point out. The expectation that you or your daughters should just get on with life in a blink of an eye is unfair and so unrealistic. No matter how you feel, Tracie, we are here for you to listen to your feelings and to respond to your needs as they change and evolve day to day. You are an awesome woman and I am sure you have equally awesome Angels guiding you and comforting you always. Close your eyes and feel the love living on in your heart. You can trust it. May loving memories be your comfort and consolation tonight. Sweet dreams!:)

With affection -hugs- -xo-
Cath1 

 
 
Réponse de marstin
25 nov. 2012, 0 h 19

Thank you Cath1. Your words are so touching and I can feel your warm and caring nature in how you speak. Yesterday was a teary one. I know I was already feeling pretty emotional after my shopping trip. When I opened up my email there was a message for Len from a former co-worker of his offering him a job opportunity. It was quite difficult to respond. Len had worked in many different job fields during our years together and it was impossible to let everyone know of his passing. I responded to the email and within minutes I received a heartwarming response from this man as well as a former boss of Len's. It never ceases to amaze me how admired he was by all who knew him and how proud he was of his family. I still shake my head in amazement at him going to a job interview about 6 weeks before he passed away though by the time he got home he knew there was no way he could possibly work. Having been unable to catch a break in the job market for about a year and a half then becoming so ill put us in a really bad position financially. Although I wish we had the option of staying in our home for at least a year, the reality is that we will have to sell by the end of May. To be rid of the financial burden his passing has caused, will in many ways be a relief.

I know what you mean about scamming psychic's. Fortunately, I'm not easily fooled. This young girl that I have chosen is a very sweet girl. We met before I even knew that she was a medium, at a psychic fair. We both felt that we had met before. Since I have lived in my area for nearly 40 years, there is a strong possibility of that. Len and I also used to work at different community events when I had a home based business so it's possible that we met then.

Vulnerable is a word that often pops into my mind these days. When I fired the contractor it was because I was feeling that he was taking advantage of me. He was a friend of Len's that he met through AA (he was 16 years sober) and trusted. Len was cautious of who he brought to our house. He was told how much we had to spend on the renovation of the bedroom and adding a bathroom. After Len passed away, this guy managed to drag the project on for months, did things his way not the way I wanted, did a lousy job, then went through most of the money without completing the job. The girls hated him and his disrespect for me. He was astounded and angry that I had fired him. The other day one of our neighbors found a guy moving things around in my yard and had his truck parked in the alley beside my house. He brought the guy to my front door so that I could question him. Apparently one of the guys who had worked with my contractor told this guy that he could come here and take away some posts that were in my yard. I was furious and told this guy off. He looked so scared, I think he figured I was going to call the cops. It annoyed me that the contractor wouldn't have been smart enough to make sure that he only brought trustworthy guys to a house with three females on their own. Vulnerable and angry because the neighbor across the street is just waiting for me to put the house up for sale. He told Len and I when he was really sick that he was in the market to buy a house and ours was the only one he wanted. The neighbor across the lane is also waiting but isn't so upfront about it. I think we need a safer environment although at least I know that we are being watched. Ha! Ha! I am much less trusting these days.

Today I packed up some of Len's things which made our youngest sad. The girls would like to keep some of his things but can't bring themselves to go through anything yet. I am trying to go slow and only get rid of things that don't hold memories, things that they probably have never seen so that we can at least begin the process. He was a bit of a packrat. On Sundays I spend the time at my mom's doing the same thing. It is so exhausting emotionally yet soothing at the same time.

Hugs to all,
Tracie
 
Réponse de nanalovesu
28 nov. 2012, 6 h 54

Here I am once again.  Beginning of Sept I moved to Winnipeg to start again.  I guess you could say, to start a new life.  That's what if feels like since my husband passed away in May 2011.  The move here has been good so far and it does feel like I've turned a page in life.  Still there is an element in my life missing, love.  I long for that companionship/partner in life I had.  Having to make decisions on my own shouldn't be so difficult but they are.  I think grief does that to a person. It causes the brain to freeze in time.  My husband was such an intelligent person and always knew exactly what needed to be done or which way to turn. I'm getting tired of talking to myself and the dog. Surely, I'll come around soon and feel independant. Now there's something I haven't had to be in a long time.   And of course the Christmas season once again is here, with it comes memories of our last Christmas together.  Tears still fill my eyes at a time of year when everyone is joyfull.  I've done a lot more decorating this year than the last Christmas season, so I guess that's progress. When I was asked what I wanted this year, I said "Joy".   But, what I wouldn't give for just one more hug and kiss from my husband Guy.

Going from WE to ME has been a process of memories, making careful decisions, stepping forward, and trying to take care of myself. I have changed in some way, just haven't quite figured it out yet. Thank you for being there for me during my journey.

Hugs of encouragement to all,
Beverly
 
Réponse de Cath1
28 nov. 2012, 12 h 59

Good morning, Tracie (martsin) and Beverley (nanalovesu):

My heart goes out to you both this morning as I read your poignant messages full of love and longing for the husband you each miss so dearly. Your messages are also filled with courage and determination that may not always be apparent to you, but it is to me and I'm sure it is to others as well.

This week I intended to write to you sooner Tracie but life got in my way and I simply couldn't move it aside to take five minutes to catch up! Please know though that I do think of you and Beverley too, and I'm sending you both hugs and love to warm your hurting hearts until the next time we connect.

December is the month my Mom died and the Christmas season is indeed a hard time to anticipate. I too long for the days when life was carefree and my Mom was here with me. Big hugs to you both during this emotionally rich time of of your lives!:):)

With affection -hugs- hugs- -xo- -xo-
Cath1 


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