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Réponse de NatR
27 juin 2015, 18 h 53

Hi Paula,

just wantdd to  add a note to your post.
gkad that you have come to some decisions about the business.

i hear you about wanting to be sensitive and honour your moms hard work and commitment to the business.
i have a feeling that you are not in any way "letting your mom down " but instead - you are moving on after devoting much time and energy to the business that was your moms.

it just seems to me that you have decider what is best for you - abd that in no way diministes your mom or her business, or any disrespect.

please do what is best for you.  This is your life and you need to spend it doing what works best for you.
 You are a wonderful caring daughter, and I wish you well in your coming months and years living life the way that works best for you.

sending thoughts  to you from me.
hugs
natR
👍🏻☺️ 
 
Réponse de lilbear
27 juin 2015, 19 h 28

Thank you!


Yes, as I wrote don my feelings, things did become clearer.


You are right, if I were to think about what my Mom would have to say...she would want me to do what I wanted and be happy. I guess, it is only a name after all...I still take with me all that she taught me and that will never change.


It is my life and I have to realize I have to live it my way and not stay in the past. That is easier said then done. I know she would be proud of me and yet, likely a bit upset that I have hung onto something that wasn't working for me for so long! LOL!


So, I guess I am embarking on a new chapter...


Paula


 
 
Réponse de Mark99
27 juin 2015, 21 h 50

Reading Sally Mann’s book Hold Still there is a section where she talks about how pictures diminish our memory because we have the picture as the memory and not of the person or place in its context. As Mann said, so much better then I “… significant moments in the flow of our lives would be like rocks placed in a stream: impediments that demonstrated but didn’t diminish the volume of the flow and around which accrued the debris of memory, rich in sight, smell, taste, and sound.” Mann goes on to discuss her memories of her father and his life.

Thinking about the various podcasts and posts I’ve done on grief, loss, and mourning I now see them differently. As much as these were/are my way of unraveling the the complexities of loss and breaking the emotional hard shell of some truth within the pain, they are in a sense a contextual flow of accrued memories over time. Perhaps that is why I’ve come to consider my grief a changing avatar. It is the moving and changing my memories over time. The podcasts and posts are those accrued debris from my loss. They are the rough-hewned particles I feel beneath my soles as walk that give a context to memories that escort me today.

Below is the link to about three to four years of reflection on looking for the mojo or actually what I see as the changing avatar of my grief. There is a lot there but some of it may help. 


http://www.bioc.net/blog/2015/6/21/inside-out-a-compendium-of-loss-and-grief
 
Réponse de KathCull_admin
06 juil. 2015, 1 h 33

Mark thanks so much for putting powerful words to your experience. I have just put Sally Mann's book on hold at the library. 

Thanks also for your thoughts on memories. Not sure if this connects with what you are saying, but I wonder about my memories - are they accurate?  Does it really matter if they are? Memories unlock the doors to other memories - and as I get older these are comforting. 

Katherine 
 
Réponse de KathCull_admin
17 janv. 2016, 3 h 45

Hi everyone,
It's been a little while since this thread has been active. Paula I was wondering how you have been?  I am interested to know what your life 'chapter' looks like?

Mark  how has your new year begun?

Katherine 
 
Réponse de lilbear
18 janv. 2016, 2 h 05

Hi Katherine,
Thank you for touching base with me.
How have I been?? Good question. I'm doing fairly well I think. Still find some days a struggle - especially over Christmas - but the good days seem to be increasing and the bad ones decreasing a lot. I know that there will always be these waves and as hard as it is, grieving will never really be over. You don't just stop missing someone.
i started a new business early December and i am permanently "retiring" the old business name that was my Mom's. I know it is the right decision but it i cannot totally escape the guilt and doubt that have come with it.
i announced my new business name, etc on my old business Facebook page and it felt so great to hear from old customers and have so many reach out with support and excitement that I am coming back! I just hope I can continue to keep the momentum going. I am still so scared that I have chosen the right path. Sometimes, I cannot help but think of giving up everything I have known with this business and sell it all off to start something completely different. I just have no idea what it would be.
In the meantime, this seems to work for me (I think 😜). I will keep my eyes open to any new ideas and "callings". You just never know.
i have had a couple of friends tell me to write...and to start with writing "my story". Not so sure I could write about that.
we are also currently trying to get our house fixed up and ready for sale. My husband and I both agree that we think it would be healthier for our family to move and start fresh. Too many memories in this house....we don't even use some rooms since my parents had lived in them and I think it is affecting my kids also - even subconsciously.
Phew....guess I had more to say than I thought! LOL!
Paula 
 
Réponse de Mark99
18 janv. 2016, 16 h 46

Paula

Lovely post. It seems we are all trying to identify 'the good days seem to be increasing and the bad ones decreasing a lot' That sums up my sense of it as well. And yes the holidays were a bit tough as usual. But what I think is key is the idea to finding meaning and purpose in our day to day lives as they are now. For me and as for you Paula it is the work thing. So like you I am trying to start a new business and venturing out into the world doing things trying to find that sweet spot in life where I feel some small sense of being, meaning, and purpose. But without kids etc. it's like why bothering to care.. but I do

Mark 
 
Réponse de lilbear
01 févr. 2016, 17 h 52

Mark,
I completely understand when you say you are searching ffor that "sweet spot".
It has only been a short time since I announced a new business and I am already doubting that I have made the correct decision. Actually, to be honest...I have been doubtful all along...
I get excited about starting or doing something - anything - new, but quickly lose interest.
I am afraid of getting deeply involved in this business only to decide it was the wrong thing for me.
Am I just trying to hang onto some shred of what I had with my Mom? She loved the business so much and it was her passion. I don't know that I love it the same. Maybe I am just falling back to what I know instead of trying to figure out my own path?? I have no clue and I don't know how to figure it out.
For over 25 years, my Mom held the reins and although I had some input, more often than not I just did what she said we should. Now, after always having the person that told you what to do missing...I can't figure out how to "listen" to myself.
So, that leaves me with a constant and never ending yearning - "What am I meant to do?"
Please, God...help me find the path...
I am so fed up with feeling lost and unfulfilled.
I have several good friends that all say the same "Just relax...let it find you.." So much easier said than done. They mean well, but have no real idea the turmoil my heart and mind are in.
We went looking at new houses yesterday and I was very emotional about that. My 9 year old daughter is tearful because she'd be leaving a friend next door...and I feel guilty that it's all my fault.
I just want to be happy again. 
I hope things are progressing for you....
Paula

 
 
Réponse de Carlyn
13 févr. 2016, 3 h 25

Dear Paula,

I'm new to you and this forum a bit. I've been reading some here to catch up as i've been absent a while for personal matters. I lost my parents 9 years ago.

Reading your posts, so much resonates. As we seem to share similarities in losses and business and home etc., I just want to reassure you on a few of your concerns if it helps .... sometimes the more voices the more it helps to move us along. 

Forgetting how to listen to yourself - I KNOW and it's so maddening.  You're doing really well though it doesn't feel like that from what you've said. You are learning as you go, to listen and hear yourself, it just doesn't register fully. I can tell from your writing you're doing it as you're here but I well remember that fog of grief and not being able to recognize where we're at when we're in it at times.

So, reassurance, you're doing it and it will grow and get easier. It's frustrating to keep hearing that I know and I'm sorry but it really is the truth.

The business...do it. Just do it and let it be whatever it wants to be and put into it only what you want to put into it. Remind yourself that you're doing this for you, no one else, and it will be what you want and need it to be. And if it succeeds, you can keep it going or sell it or close it if you realize it's not what you want to do. And if it fails, then it's decided for you :-) Hah! I'm laughing because again...been there. Same timing after deaths too. This is your thing now. Your own accomplishment, your own decisions. Take it one day at a time. 

When I felt all that frustration I turned to something that would let me burn it off some at least. Sometimes it was art, sometimes physical activity, sometimes just talking with other people about anything they were doing. Do you have any way to burn off or distract from the frustration feelings? Do you have any hobbies that nourish you? Not work, not obligation...anything just for you to feel good or like you're taking care of you to nurture yourself? Do you get pedicures or massages?

Thinking of you. I'm in midst of selling my house so in and out here but will check back to see how you're doing.

Carlyn 


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