Hi Carolync,
Welcome to our community of love and understanding. It's a place where no one has any expectations of you and where you can actually say what is going on in your mind. It's a safe place.
I have found that grief affects everyone differently and takes a very long time to go through. The fact that people get uncomfortable when you speak his name is not uncommon. Those who have not gone through something like this seem to want to place a timeline on how long you should grieve. For each of us it varies and when you have watched your loved one disappear before your eyes, I think it takes that much longer to deal with. I've found that there are people that I've had to distance myself from in the past year and a half in order to keep my own sanity. I've also found that there are people I would never have expected to bring support, who have propped me up along the way. It's been a tough lesson to learn but the real gems have shone through.
How old are your daughter's? Mine were 20 and 22 when we suffered our losses. I understand the loneliness when you see other couples together. On many occasions I have had to point out to people that they truly don't understand what it is like to lose the love of your life, the person you turned to when you were sad, the person who was the backbone of your family. To suddenly be alone in making all of the decisions and to have to try to stay strong for your kids when all you want to do is break down and lean on someone. The responsibility of having to rebuild your life is huge. It takes a very long time.
Know that we are here for you and don't be afraid to share what is going on in your head. I've found that just being able to speak honestly helps relieve some of the stress.
Hugs,
Tracie