You are all so wonderful;
Your words of support are both comforting and heartwarming. This is a lonely lonely place to be and being able to log on and see your support brings tears to my eyes.
I am tired, (exhausted actually), sad  and desperate. My husband's condition worsens daily. He remains bedridden 24 hours a day. He is very sedated, therefore words are few and very hard to make out. He looks so sad, so isolated in his fight and so desperate to live.
I cant help but be angry at this disease.... to bring a strong man down like this... I cant help but ask why..
My days are filled with the errands of caring to his every need, plus looking after our daughters and our home.
We run 3 businesses, so all of that must carry on as well. Which adds a huge amount of stress to my life.
A watchful eye is kept on my husbands condition, as his wishes are to die in hospital... not at home. Its hard for me to recognize the signs as Im not familiar with them. VON come in 3 times per day - 7 days per week and palliative care are here every weekday.
My husband is very sleepy now... so very little time to interact with him for our daughters, his family and myself.
I often used to ask myself (before any of this started) which would be better to have someone taken instantly or to know that they are going to die?
In my husbands case I am thank ful- that we have been given the time to tell him everything we wanted, to show him how much we love him, to hold him and try to comfort him....... but the suffering seems so unfair.. at the point he is now there really is no quality of life, no smiles for him, no looking out the window, only discomfort, pain, weakness and fear- as he suffers from panic attacks and restlessness constantly.
I have to ask how a God, could allow such a kind hearted giving man this........
I am angry, I am confused and I am sad...
I am not comforted when I read knowing God is with me. Knowing that God will help. I have never been an overly religious person, but always had faith in God, always prayed and always believed.......................
Im sad, Im lonely (not there are not children and my mother in law here) but without my husband to share my grief with, to lean on, to hold...
I am sad
Carriek               

Dear Carriek:

Thank you for writing to update us about your situation. I'm so pleased that you find a few moments of comfort when reading our messages to you!

I understand completely the anger that sometimes consumes you when you wonder how an all powerful and loving God could allow this dreadful disease to ravage your husband so mercilessly without God's divine intervention. Of course you question your faith and the presence of God as I imagine that time passes painfully slow and it must feel to you like endless eternities as the cancer cruelly robs your husband of his life little by little, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I don't know if I can help, but I hope what I have to say will help you re-anchor your faith as your husband and you suffer the agonies of his illness together. I have always been a spiritual questioner, and I challenge everything regarding faith matters until I find answers that satisfy my search. When I was young and life delivered to me or loved ones unfair circumstances, I would wonder how God would permit me or my loved ones to be hurt by such brutal things. Prayer also posed a bit dilemma for me as I often wondered why anyone would pray since God so rarely seemed to actually listen and answer these prayers. It all seemed so futile.

My Mom must be credited with how my faith eventually evolved over the years and is still evolving as she taught me how to pray to seek inner strength, resilience, acceptance and peace and also key to receiving these graces is praying without attaching to my prayers any particular expectation. I learned not to ask for miracles, and instead of asking God "Why me?" or "Why my loved one?" I discovered that the most pertinent question is "Why not?".

With much practice I learned that the secret of prayer is simple. Praying grounds me and allows me to find my centre, much like meditation for some. It reminds me that I am human and frail and need spiritual help to understand myself and others. The mysteries of faith and spirituality are studied and debated by scholars and have been for centuries. Very few people arrive at the same conclusions, especially when religions are involved, and yet no matter which God people believe in, if they believe, there is one universal truth for us all - we all are born into this world and one day we shall die.

It does not make sense to me that God would intervene to spare one person and save another from death, as that would be akin to a father playing favourites with his children, and if God is indeed all knowing and all loving He would not choose to hurt one child and let the other be harmed. That leads me to believe that our lives have a spiritual purpose that is not measured by how long we live. Some babies die at birth, some people live past a hundred. Perhaps the spiritual significance of a baby's brief breath is equal to that of the person who lives to a ripe old age.

The world is full of unfairness, wars, poverty, famine, sickness, violence, and a host of tragedies of varying proportions. Why does God allow these calamities to happen? I believe that God knows that our purpose here on this earth is not about when we are born and when we die, but about our life and how it matters in a much larger context as a small piece of the puzzle which is humanity and the collective consciousness which is spirit.

While we all seek to understand life's meaning, we cannot in this lifetime fully comprehend life's complexities and we are intrinsically limited in understanding the deep nature and motivations of God and his unique purpose for us. Therefore, in the absence of ultimate knowing, we choose to cultivate faith to guide our inner quest and our spiritual journey; to help us accept that which we find so unacceptable; to trust that we are loved and will be protected when we feel so alienated, alone and vulnerable; to believe that on the other side of this life we will be re-born to a new life where others awaiting our return will celebrate our renewal just as we here in this world celebrate the birth of a newborn infant!

Imagine for a moment how excited you were to receive your children in your arms for the first time, and try to think that when your husband makes his final transition from this life to the next that there will be awaiting him a glorious reunion among loved ones that had gone before him and a spiritual awakening will be his reward. His suffering will be over and while yours will continue because you will miss him and will always love him, you will know he is at peace, he will be safe and one day you will be reunited just as we will all be in the beautiful hereafter that is so idyllic that it cannot even be envisioned by those of us left behind.

When thinking of God as a father, imagine how protective your husband is of your children, and know that God loves your husband now just as your husband loves your kids, and He will love him and embrace him eternally. God will enlighten him and enliven his spirit with unending bliss. I do understand Carrie how heartless it seems that God would seemingly forsake your husband and you in your hour of need, but though you are tempted to lean into this kind of thinking, try to pray for inner strength, acceptance and peace and I believe it will be yours for the asking. I hear your exhaustion and feel your anguish and I understand how lonely and long is your husband’s journey and yours. Neither of you will be forsaken by God. You are never alone Carrie and you are so much braver and more resilient and faithful than you give yourself credit for and I hope you will believe what my Mom used to remind me - a doubter’s faith proves to be the strongest faith of all! In light of what you are going through, Carrie, you are a rock with a heart of gold and to your husband and family you are a constant and eternal blessing!

With affection – hugs- xo
Cath1