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Réponse de debbied2007
28 janv. 2013, 16 h 09

Hi Colleen, thanks for checking up on Tracie and I - I'm doing much better.  My husband is on week 2 of 6 for chemo and radiation.  It took 6 1/2 weeks to get here, but I've finally accepted the fact that he will fight and win this battle.  I took last week off from work and went to all his appointments with him.  Everyone we came into contact with, patients, medical staff and caregivers, are all so caring and extremely nice.  We met a few people from the NWT, so it was wonderful to spend time with them.  I had a doctor's appointment last week, to go over my blood work.  The questions my doctor asked were such an eye opener.  Her questions focused on my well being and I have not been taking care of myself!  I've been too busy taking care of my husband, daughter and granddaughter...so I joined Curves.  I need a half hour to myself (with my daughter, as we joined together) and this also allows me to get out of the house each evening.  I'm excited about this and I'm looking forward to toning up.  My goal and my daughter's goals are so different!  Amazing what age does to you... :)  Take care Colleen!  Deb
 
Réponse de debbied2007
28 janv. 2013, 16 h 27

Hi Tracie,

I wasn't able to respond last week - I took the week off to spend with my husband during his first week of chemo and radiation - I'm so glad I did that. 

My heart goes out to you - six months is not long at all.  I lost my father in 2008, and as previously mentioned, it took over 4 years to grieve his loss. And to top it off, you have to sell your HOME Cry.  I cannot imagine what you are going through.  I wish I could win the Lotto Max, I would help you in an instant.  I'm at such a loss of words right now.  Your daughters are very lucky you got to stay home with them.  I hope and pray everything works out for you.  I know this is cliche, but there is a reason for everything, and until we get to there, we don't know what it is.  Is there anything an organization can help you with?  I'm not too sure what the support is like in your community (I'm not sure what support is in my community either Embarassed).  But when we were at the cross cancer institute a few weekends ago, the nurse was on a phone, trying to help a couple pay for their medication, as their medical insurance didn't start until February.  Perhaps, there is some group who can help assist you to keep your home.  That is just so wrong!  You sound like a very strong person, please take care of yourself!  Deb
 
Réponse de marstin
28 janv. 2013, 18 h 15

Hi Deb,

I'm so glad that you spent last week with your husband. I found that as close as Len and I were before he got sick, we bonded on a deeper level throughout his illness.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I handled things fairly well when I first lost Len. My mom went into hospital the day after that so we just threw ourselves into caring for her and hoping that she would get better. Her and I had been inseperable and spent every day together for many years. When she passed 7 1/2 weeks later, I was still holding it together until family drama concerning her estate tore the heart out of me. Since then I have been walking a tightrope trying to move forward for the sake of my daughters. So many people offered help in the beginning and 90% of those have just disappeared when I needed them the most. My niece has been trying to play mediator between my brother and I as well as try to support me. Just the paperwork involved x2 is unbelievably confusing and difficult to deal with. I have finally made the decision to just hand Len's estate over to a lawyer and move forward on clearing our house and getting it sold quickly.

I have yet to reach out to the social workers at the hospital for councelling and possibly they could help me figure out how I'm going to survive all of this upheaval. I feel very much like my feet are stuck in cement and I'm afraid to allow myself to grieve my losses as it might totally destroy me. As far as our home goes, in some ways it may be a relief to walk away from it, but the fear is where we are going to end up and how we will get by. So much uncertainty.  I have learned to avoid people who push my panic button and truly believe that it will work out however it is supposed to.

I think the strength comes from necessity for most of us that walk this road. The only other option is not even a consideration. My daughters are my heart and soul and for them I must stay strong. I force myself to go out everyday and realize that I'm still here for a reason. Some very tiny part of me views the future with anticipation. I find myself supporting others that are going through their own personal hell and in a sense it brings me consolation. I know I'm not alone.

Since most of my closest friends live at a distance, I have found this forum to be like a big cosy blanket when I need someone to lean on and tell me that everything is going to be okay. It's hard to put into actual words just what it has meant to be able to share my thoughts with people who will prop me up and never let me fall. There is no judgement and that in itself is huge.

Although I am not a religious person, I am spiritual and will pray that this journey with your husband will be kind to both of you. We will be here every step of the way to support you.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de debbied2007
28 janv. 2013, 20 h 17

Hi Tracie,

Again, you are such a strong person.  I'm truly amazed by your story and heartache, and yet, you have the strength to go on. 

I agree with your words, where this horrible disease makes us closer.  We've always been a close couple; we do everything together.  But now we have a new battle to fight.  He is definitely my strength and I rely on him for that everyday.  I take care of him, and he takes care of me.  These days I seem to be at a loss of words.  However, your words give me the courage to go on and quit pitying myself.  I needed it but I now have to move on.  I cannot continue to send negative vibes out there; I'm more positive; the fact that I have accepted that "we" will win this battle has been so freeing.  I can actually go on with life.  Again, I wish there was some way I could help you, other than our chats.  Your "story" and strength is very inspirational to me.  and I thank you for that and the prayer!!!!  I hope you have a great day.  We all seem to be fighting our own battle and I know it is all relative.  Thank goodness for this forum, and the fact that we found it and each other.  Take care Tracie, sending you a BIG hug today.  Deb
 
Réponse de NatR
29 janv. 2013, 1 h 23

Hi Tracie and Deb,

It is nice to see that you two are able to support each other.  I am hoping that each day feels a bit more bearable knowing that there is a circle of support online.

It is a hard thing to admit we need support...but it is something we all will need...we are all caring for each other in our family circle.

Sending you both a virtual hug and thoughts.  I am amazed that even online strength is found by sharing stories and leaning on each other.  Nothing is worse than going it alone.

 No one should be sick alone...and that goes for the caregiving part of it too.  Caregivers are as much in need of support as those they care for.

Best wishes to you both and hoping this week goes well for each of you...check in when you have need or wish to share:)
sincerely,
NatR

PS Brayden if you are reading this note...I hope you are appreciating the warm climate you are in.  The past two weeks in northern Ontario have been unbearable..minus 50 deg Celcius with windchill last week, a balmy -21 deg C this week and then today up to 0 deg C..with threat of freezing rain tomorrow...lovely!  Spring cant come soon enough for me:)
 
Réponse de marstin
29 janv. 2013, 17 h 12

Hi,

Thanks Nat for your words of encouragement. I have been giving myself a mental kick in the butt this past week to push ahead and get the things done that I know I must do which includes putting all of the paperwork needed to move ahead and just handing  it over to a lawyer. It has hung over me like a dark cloud for months now and I know I'm just incapable of doing it all on my own and those that began helping me with it have just vanished. I have no choice but to come out of all of this much stronger. I look forward to the time that I can actually allow myself to grieve.

Deb, you are such a kind lady. Chatting with you has brought back a memory of when Len was extremely ill and how he managed to get a job interview. I was surprised that he would even entertain the idea because by this time he could barely walk. Off he went to this interview and I waited with bated breath for him to return. When he finally got back home I was so relieved. He looked at me with resignation and  told me that there was no way he could take the position. My heart just overflowed with love that this warm and wonderful man as ill as he was, was still trying to provide for his family. What an incredible man he was.

I woke up this morning and could hear our dog giving someone attitude as she often does when she wants to go out. I glanced over at our youngest daughter sleeping beside me ( she's almost 21 but hasn't slept by herself since her dad passed) and wondered why the dog was standing by her. I got up and looked at Bella as she stood wagging her tail and she didn't move, just stood there wagging her tail and looking towards the head of the bed. I know that Len was there watching over his baby. So often have we sensed him around us. He truly did not want to leave and fought with everything that he had in him. He was with AA and had been sober for over 16 years and always lived by the Serenity prayer. As his time grew near, he stopped praying and I wondered why. Then I remembered the line 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change' and it all made sense. He had accepted what was happening.

Please continue to have your pity parties. Although most of your focus right now is on your husband, you have the right to feel sorry for yourself. Your entire life has been altered also. Don't view it as a negative thing, view it as self care. You are important too as the two of you face this challenge.

I will be here for you every step of the way.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de debbied2007
29 janv. 2013, 21 h 37

thank you NatR for your kind words, virtual hug and thoughts.  Those seem to be in great demand these days...and greatly appreciated!!!  Trying to be strong and stay healthy while taking care of others seems to play against each other.  The strength, I can find, but trying to stay healthy is a big issue.  All I can say is I am so glad my husband still requires regular meals and snacks, or I would always be under the covers in my bed, probably going into a deep depression.  I've started beading again - I make hide slippers and have decided I will start this project and complete a pair for each of my six grandchildren, then repair the ones I made our daughters many years ago!  This keeps me busy in the evening, while he is resting.  I am starting to get used to staying home, as previously mentioned, we were always so active and always out doing something, that when we started staying home, I would get so angry and upset we weren't out and about.  I've also joined Curves, for three reasons.  One to get out and tone up; and to also get my daughter out of the house and hopefully work out her stress, as once she is stressed, she is proned to anxiety, which inevitably leads to a manic episode ;) 

Tracie, thank you for your kind words again.  Your sympathy, encouragement and understanding brought tears to mine eyes :)  I absolutely love it when my dad comes to visit me in my dreams.  My grandmother does that too, not too often anymore.  But when my dad visits, I always wake up so happy he's come to check up on me.  One of my daughters cleans our home once a week (she owns a business); one of those days she felt this presence in our home; she wasn't afraid, but she just felt it.  Our cats would not come out of their hiding spot.  So when she told me about this, I told her grandpa came to visit, to make sure all is ok.  Very uplifting.

Hopefully the pitiparties will be few and far in between.  I know I have a very good life, but seem to have forgotten about it for 6 1/2 weeks. 

I hope all is well with you NatR and Tracie.  Sending you great big hugs today and tomorrow, until we chat again.  Take care of yourself and pride yourself on your kindness, caring and love that you share so freely!  Deb

NatR BTW - -42 here in Edmonton today...and our furnace decided to act up on the coldest day of the year!  So this morning we didn't have heat for about 2 hours and boy did the house cool down quickly...I was so cold, so was our granddaughter, she jumped into our bed and said she needed to warm up.  She definitely brings joy to our lives :)
 
Réponse de marstin
02 févr. 2013, 17 h 27

Hi Deb,

I just thought I would check in to see how week two went for your husband. I'm glad to hear that you appear to be taking time out for yourself and also helping your daughter out. It's an important thing to do when you are travelling this road though not always easy.

My week was filled with visiting a lawyers office to have the house put into my name  so that I can sell it, talking to professional's to see if I qualify for trying to get disability
( survivor benefits don't pay enough to make much of a difference), looking into housing for us and avoiding my brother. At least I managed to make some moves. More and more I tend to just want to hide away. I thought that after this length of time that I would be feeling better not worse. My daughters are also finding things tougher. Much more bickering around here but I think the uncertainty of everything is taking quite a toll on all of us. With Valentines's day approaching, I think it just brings a little more pain. I'm not sure that I told you, but Len and I were never legally married. Last year on Valentine's day (after 23 years) he dropped down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I was so shocked. He was in a hurry to get it done and our girls wanted a fairytale wedding. I was dragging my heels while trying to take care of him and finally set the date for July 15th. He passed away at 3am that morning. I still kick myself for not just bringing in a JP to legalize everything before that to fulfill his final wish.

I hope it's warmed up a bit there. It's pretty mild here on the coast of BC but not much sunshine. I look forward to spring and the feeling of renewal.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de marstin
08 mars 2013, 19 h 30

Hi Deb,

I was just wondering how things are going with your husband and his treatments. Please let me know when you feel up to sharing.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de debbied2007
08 mars 2013, 23 h 12

Hi Tracie,


I posted a big long update, and the system crashed.  I'm just heading out right now and will respond sometime this weekend.  Thanks for thinking of me - basically, things are good/great, better!!!!  Take care of yourself, as I think of you often and always sending you positive and good thoughts to help you through the difficult times!  TAke care, HUGS!!!! Deb


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