Hi Pauline,
There is nothing wrong with wanting to believe that your husband wil be cured. Miracles do happen sometimes and if it doesn't you can face that part of your journey when you get there, not before. I guess for the most part my life was pretty uneventful too other than losing my dad 5 years ago but he had been in ill health for many years. Len was the healthy one in our household and looked after me through many ups and downs with my health. He was always an optimist so when he was first diagnosed we all believed that he would beat it because everything seems to go his way in life. I think we are still in disbelief that he didn't win that battle.
My older daughter, the quieter one, the angrier one, refuses to see a councellor. She is trying to deal with it all on her own. On top of the losses we are having to hurry up and get our house in order to sell because we can't afford to stay here and that has added to the stress around here. There is alot of denial for my girls but for me the reality is all of the work I have had to take on to try to stay on top of things and clear our house and worry about where we will live. I have been a stay at home mom for over 20 years so I also do not have any income to rely on. I guess what I'm saying is that we all work through the things that are thrown at us and although it is painful and frightening, it is possible.
Be gentle with yourself Pauline. One thing I have learned is that there are days that you just can't face what you know you need to do. I found that beating myself up served no purpose and that tomorrow would have to do, just not today. I think if you try to adopt that mindset, it takes some of the pressure off.
It's good to hear that you will soon be able to leave your job behind for a few weeks. As much as you want to care for your husband, you have to take care of yourself too. I hope that you can find time to just go for a walk, have coffee with a close friend, do some gardening, whatever it is that allows you to care for yourself. Only by doing this can you keep your sanity and wellbeing.
Hugs to you,
Tracie