Hi Pollyanna,
The quiet times truly can be some of the saddest times. Trying to grapple with the reality and wishing and praying that it's just a nightmare that you will wake up from. You are not being selfish, you are in pain. You have suffered a huge loss and it will take a long time to start to recover from it. There will be tears, anger, frustration and so many emotions that you never knew you were capable of feeling. Ir's okay. Be gentle with yourself and don't expect too much from yourself right now. Take each moment as it comes. You are broken and only time can begin to slowly, very slowly heal you.
My daughters are in their early 20's and like your son's had little in the way of life experiences. This past year and a half has been a rough one for them as they watched their dad battle cancer and lose and yet they have gained so much wisdom and maturity through all of the pain. As they tell me, they will never be the same people they were before this lesson in life. I think the hardest part when they are that young is that their friends don't have any idea what they are going through unless they have gone through something similar. I guess this is also true with us as adults. For those who have never tended to a loved one who is terminally ill, it is harder for people to understand just what strength and courage it has taken to face that day after day.
We are here and will walk along beside you to try to help you through this. Please keep reaching out and never be afraid to vent, we are here to listen and understand.
Hugs to you and your sons,
Tracie