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Réponse de debbie123
07 janv. 2016, 0 h 32

It's me again. I am up once again trying to sleep. The days are not getting better only worse. I miss my mom n my dog so much. I feel like I have no one. My dog is gone n I wish he were here. I wish I could of found a cure for him. I wish I had my mom to call n talk too. I hate my life except for my job. They have been wonderful to me. When I go home I am alone. I am so angry n lost. I got my dogs ashes back from that vets yesterday . I need my mom n dog but they r not here. I can't stop crying now. Usually I am getting by but when night comes it's unbearable. 
 
Réponse de Carlyn
07 janv. 2016, 1 h 17

Debbie123, i'm glad you shared how you're doing. I was just thinking of you.

It's extremely difficult to grieve just one loss, but to add another at the same time makes it so much harder to bear.

Sleep is very important, especially during this time. Have you seen your own family doctor to discuss how you're doing? I think that's important. It helped my Mom to get her doctor involved after my eldest sister died. Mom had grief to the point that she could not think how to help herself...understandably. I got her doctor involved, he saw her a few times and prescribed a safe sleep aid for short term help. Getting her sleep consistent and adequate each night made a huge difference in her ability to deal with the grief of burying her first born child. I share all this so you have hope and also know how important sleep is to stay healthy and cope easier.

It's heartbreaking to feel as you are. Checking out some additional supports can help sometimes. Meanwhile, whatever you decide, we are always here. 

I'm thinking of you. For tonight, there are some relaxing music videos on Youtube if that is any interest. I've loaded some for meditation, yoga relaxation, nature sounds...whatever had sound that felt 'healing' on any given day...and fell asleep listening with my eyes closed. They are helpful sometimes just for the sounds. Guided meditation may feel too brain taxing but if you want to try that, there are videos on YT for that as well.

sending a ((hug))
Carlyn 
 
Réponse de debbie123
07 janv. 2016, 1 h 40

HI Carlyn....Thank you for the great ideas. I realize what you are saying and I truly do need help to sleep .  I will call my doctor tomorrow.  Also I will try some relaxing music as you mentioned. I like rainforest sounds. I would always talk with my mom when I felt down . I wanted to call her yesterday when I got freckles ashes back but she wasn't there for me to call. It is like everything I had is instantly gone. If my daughter didn't live close as she's 20 and is in college about two hours away but right now she's home for college break. Till the 20 th of this month then she's leaving for college. I would try to move because I have nothing here for me. I have a great job I love though. Just family is pulled apart since my mom.passed.  I feel.empty n I feel it's gonna get worse. I was thinking of volunteering for a charity that helps parents cope with their I'll children's. Do you think.It's a good idea ? I always wanted to do something like that and it might keep me busy . But would it be a wise choice now you think for me ? Thank.you so much for always being there. And I too am sending you a warm. ( hug )...

Debbie123 
 
Réponse de Carlyn
07 janv. 2016, 1 h 58

Debbie, I found grief to be a very solitary road. Everyone has a different approach to it. I'm not an expert but my bottom lines were this...

1. If it's healthy and makes me feel better, do it
2. Don't abuse drugs or alcohol to deal with grief 
3. Get outside for a fresh air walk even if only for a few minutes everyday or as often as possible
4. Don't force myself to do anything I don't absolutely have to do (doesn't apply in case of employment, raising children, etc.)
5. Think of things which I used to do which made me happy and ease into doing one or two again and see if it helps

I hope that is some help. Meditation is really good. Or just soothing sounds. Hospice helped me with reiki a as I have an illness and was in a lot of physical pain for a year afterwards. It was the music the reiki people played during treatments which I found so helpful too. Now a lot of that is on youtube for free and quick access in a pinch until you find your own favourites to buy.

Volunteering is always good but when grieving, it can get in the way. You need to focus on self care I think. My therapist at the time had good advice - she said while grieving, giving to others can hurt because it can be like trying to wring water from stone if you've been caregiver especially - you have nothing inside to give, you need to nourish yourself to replenish, to care for you first.

But that said, everyone is different so if you think volunteering helps you, try it but go into it easy... light at first, no commitment. Grief is hard and you're in very early days still. It's hard to imagine but it will not always be this painful. It definitely gets better. Faster than you'd think too. 

It's good your daughter is home for that long...that's a good time period to have her nearby. Go for tea the two of you, or coffee, or just a walk in a park. Or just talk with each other. About anything. Maybe let her lead and see where it takes you? Young people close to us can be remarkably healing for introducing thoughts and ideas randomly which get us off focusing on our pain. Focusing on the pain sometimes makes it worse. You need to work through it while recognizing it's there and letting yourself cry at times etc., but not letting it take over your life if that makes sense. 

It won't always be this hard. Let your mind float on all these ideas you're finding of how to go forward, all the possibilities you're thinking of, it's wonderful. That's part of healing. Journal. Write them down. Write anything down to help get the feelings out so you can process them. And do stretches. Physical light movement helps.

This is a lot. I'm sorry if it's too much at once. Just do a bit at a time. Focus on self comfort, self care, that is healthy, and that's really the main thing I think. it's a good start anyhow. ((Hug))

Carlyn 
 
Réponse de KathCull_admin
07 janv. 2016, 21 h 34

Hi 
Carlyn I really appreciate your 'bottom lines'. Debbie123 it sounds like your work is a wonderful support for you - good to have that anchor.  

When my husband died, I was ready to sell the house, move, do anything to get away. I'm glad I didn't do anything quickly - In my head I knew that it would not be wise to make any big changes or moves in the first year - but in my heart I just wanted to do anything that might help take the pain away. And as Carlyn said I find it's so important to work through the sadness and grief but to live as well. Not always an easy balance.

LostNL started how do you go on earlier this year after her mother died. I was thinking that along with Carlyn's great support you might find it helpful to read of others' experiences. 

Are there people you can turn to when your daughter leaves?  
Katherine
 
Réponse de JennJilks
07 janv. 2016, 23 h 51

Those are wise words, Carlyn!
 
Réponse de Carlyn
10 janv. 2016, 22 h 50

Katherine, I so know what you mean about the house and wanting to make changes. That's a great example to share. Pouncing on 'feel good' things needs second thoughts sometimes.

JennJilks, like Katherine and many others here, you have so much experience with end of life and grief matters, I appreciate your support. Even now years later I sometimes think if i'd done this or that or should I have etc. Not often but sometimes.

On that note, I'm relieved to see the link to LostNL. Had a long nice visit with close friend who lost her Mom too. Our experiences are so variable, it's helpful to read how others have coped. The older I get the more friends are experiencing this and besides recommending this site, I'm trying to keep learning about how to handle this.

Wishing everyone a good week. I'm trying to sell my house soon (hopefully) so a bit busy here balancing that with illness. I will be so releived to make a new home though... so much death happened here, Mom and pets too, Dad and my sister during or just before. Sighssss. I need fresh easier space for illness too. Will be good I hope.

Thinking good thoughts for everyone.

Carlyn 
 
Réponse de debbie123
20 janv. 2016, 7 h 43

Hello Carlyn..
It's Me debbie123 .  Getting by. I went back to work n it's just been busy. My daughter just left to go back to college after being here a whole month. So now I must deal with this on My own. I miss hersaBing grace being here and us spending time together. I decided not to volunteer at this time and wait a little bit.  Also my uncle from my dad's side passed away Saturday so now there is no one left on my dad's side and yet another death. My mom has one brother left. Also I have been sleeping better. I started to pray before I fell asleep n I went right in to a deep sleep then. Of course I am awake now but that happens sometimes too  I guess. Better than being up all night. Work is my shaving grace as it keeps me busy n my mind busy. When I think on a personal level it hurts. This Saturday will be one month my mom and dog has been gone. I set up a little area in my bedroom of memories of them. Thank you for sharing your personal life story with me . It helps knowing others know how you feel and understand the horrible pain that rips you apart inside . I am going to go back to sleep.  now . Talk with you again later and sending hugs your way :-)
 
Réponse de debbie123
20 janv. 2016, 7 h 54

Hi katherine. It's weird but I felt like u did. I wanted to up n move to another state if I could. But I love my job so that is what kept me grounded. If not I would of been gone probably. I am glad I chose to stay put at least for now. Running away is not the answer. No I rest have no one to turn to now that my daughter's gone . She left this past Sunday. We talk on the phone daily though . Before wrong hadn't but now we do. Her busy life with college is hard but she hadn't even grieved yet.  She feels disbelief still.  I told carlyn I decided for now not to volunteer to help others until I volunteer to help myself. So to speak. I am thankful I have I all as my support ad my brothers basically seem to not care if I am ok. I was the closest to my mom. The only daughter. But they keep.distant despite my attempts to contact them. I feel alone in this sometimes. Thank you for the ideas to help me get through this ad I am trying my best. Hope to hear from u soon :-) 
Debbie...hugs :-) 
 
Réponse de debbie123
20 janv. 2016, 8 h 01

Hello again...I wanted to say I am sorry for any typos as my phone picks it's own words to send sometimes . Lol...But I do try to catch it before I send. Being up at two in the morning doesn't help though....My eyes r half closed. Lol...just wanted to explain and say thanks once again for being :-). 


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