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Réponse de PPP
08 août 2012, 12 h 49

Thank you Cath1 for your kind words of support; they bring the tears I keep wanting to suppress.

After being with Avery since I was teenager, it's like losing a part of me.  We moved as one person, with each others thoughts, likes and dislikes.  Living by myself for the first time in my life doesn't seem real.  I think that's why the loss feels even greater.  He was always here for me!

 Some days I feel the happiness for a fleeting moment, then reality kicks in.  You're right about nuturing.  I would rather care for others right now than myself.  When I visit my children, I lose myself in the grandchildren and helping with the gardening and housework.  When I am at home, I have to push myself to get things done.  It doesn't seem as important anymore without anyone to do it for!   Trying to get a routine seems almost impossible.  

I am still trying to get over all the hurtles of doing the things that he would have taken care of.  It hurts everytime I think of this.  My family keeps asking me "what do you want to do", and at this point getting through one day by myself is enough.  Yes I know I have to committ to things, but need to be composed to do it!  That's my greatest fear, I still break into sobbing out of the blue and I don't want to do that in front of strangers!  

I have even invited people for supper by myself for the first time in my life.  That was a big step for me since Avery always did the inviting!  So maybe I am getting better.  I have to believe I am, right? 
I am so grateful for this cite.  It has helped me sort through issues I didn't know I had.

Thank you so much for your comforting words.


Jane
 
Réponse de Mark99
08 août 2012, 14 h 07

Cath1 Thank you for all the support and comfort. I did make it through the first anniversary and it had its moments. I guess the most important was the trying to struggle with how do I make my life for me now while retaining the memory and dignity of the single most important time of my life. I cannot be who I am today without being who I was with Donna and how her life, love, brains, nagging :), teaching, etc made me more of who I am. So I have this tapestry of her memory and life her loving me into being and me which is not too shabby. It is one big pot of stew that needs to be simmered with some spices etc so it can be ready to be served to the world. Or I can just give up. Those are the choices.


Jane, I know that need to help and care it is so much a part of who we are as humans but it is reinforced when we care for a loved one. Some of us see ourselves and what we have more clearly and when we are going being a caregiver we loose part of how we defined ourselves. Keep inviting people become who you are defined by you and your memories. That is the adventure we are all on now.
 
Réponse de Cath1
08 août 2012, 17 h 25

Dear Jane (PPP):


Thank you so much for writing again and for letting me know my words found your heart. I understand the feeling of needing to suppress tears as sometimes I have felt that if I gave into the urge to cry I might never stop. It’s pretty common I believe, in the first few months especially, after a loved one has died to fear feeling so completely out of control and out of sync with oneself. Once we go with the flow of our tears and allow ourselves to express our pain through them, we find some immediate and welcome relief, even if only short-term. Tears are a natural release of tensions that build up within us hence the age old advice from my mother when I was feeling overwhelmed by life, “Have a good cry. You’ll feel better.” She was right.

In your case with your late husband, Avery, (love his name – it carries with it an aura of charisma, inner strength and wisdom), I do understand and empathize with how you feel. It’s as if you were living as one person when he was alive and beside you, each half complimenting and completing the other, as the level of comfort you each felt when in the familiar and lovable presence of one another was a powerful integration of you both. When your husband was living you saw yourself as a couple, a duo, not simply as Jane nor as Avery alone, but as Jane and Avery, together.

Jane, I believe it will take a lot of time and effort on your part to heal as you begin to accept that Avery is gone. I don’t say that to discourage you as I think you are doing amazingly well in such a short span of time, but I say it so you will have realistic expectations of yourself as you forge ahead in this new and foreign terrain of sorrow. Your grief is compounded by having had multiple losses of loved ones. You will need to go through the painful process of sifting through your each and every uncomfortable and heart wrenching feeling and dare to express them all to survive this experience. There is no simple way around grief. Avoidance, I think, only prolongs the inevitable agonies. We must go through grief to come out safely on the better side of it.

Even when we do arrive at a more peaceful place of acceptance and strength, I have found through my experience of grief over the loss of my Mom, it can suddenly and swiftly return with full force by the mere mention of her name, a memory, a special occasion, a butterfly, the thought of my daughter’s wedding this Saturday where my Mom will not be there beaming with pride and blurting out loving remarks inappropriately made during a solemn moment, (that’s an inside joke as I remember how my Mom had her trademark endearingly humourous ways!J), but I can tell you also from my experience with sorrow that with each passing day I have been given the resilience I need so I can face head on whatever feelings arise within me, and one day I know you will feel within you that same sense of resilience and confidence, too! You will survive this achingly painful time in your life to feel happy again, I just know it!

Jane, you may never again feel quite like your old self when Avery was living because so much of his life and love defined the person you are and in a way you are grieving too, not only his death, and your sister’s and your best friend’s, you are mourning the identity you’ve had since you were a teen and that quite rightly leads you feel that you have also lost much of yourself. 

You are dealing with a lot of painful change in your life and within yourself and that I imagine must feel overwhelmingly disconcerting. Of course you are still the same person, Jane, as you have been all of your life, but how you feel inside is changing and you feel so very different without Avery. In my mind it’s no wonder you feel out of balance since he died., but despite your feelings you are standing up on your own two feet!

You will need to focus most of your patience and kindness on yourself as you begin to heal and accept support from others, those you love and who treasure you, your children and grandchildren, and those of us here in your virtual community and friends new and old as you recover your deepest sense of self and as you keep going and growing in hope and resilience.

You are not only getting better, Jane, you are getting through and facing your feelings of immense grief. I am so proud of you and I hope you feel proud of yourself!

Until next time we connect, sweet Jane, (that’s one of my favourite Cowboy Junkies songs), remember that I remain with you in spirit as we are getting to know one another by heart

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1
 
Réponse de Cath1
08 août 2012, 18 h 01

Dear Mark99:

Thank you for letting me know you got through yesterday, the 1st anniversary of Donna's passing. You did fantastically well from the sounds of it and though you had your moments as you say you lived to tell and that is most commendable indeed! I know it was not an easy day for you.

I love the way you write so vividly and with a dash of humour. Your character and your devotion to Donna is always evident and I think any hearty stew you plan on making will have all the right ingredients and will give you health and healing.

Mark99, you are making the right choice by choosing not to give up. Imagine how amazed Donna would be by you today for knowing how much you have been through in this past year alone, and prior along with her, and for always honouring her and your treasured relationship of mutual love and respect.

To me you never need worry about Donna, you, or your relationship suffering from a loss of dignity. Dignity shines through your every loving word.

I am glad you have so many wonderful memories of Donna to comfort you. Let yourself linger in comfort awhile, as you remember. As long as Donna's memory lives within you, remember too, you are never alone.

With affection -hugs-xo
Cath1
 
Réponse de PPP
09 août 2012, 12 h 49

Dear Cath1


The more I read your words, the more I come to understand the road ahead.  I realize the journey I must take and in my own way I have been fighting it.  Not wanting to accept my life as it is right now.  Trying to change my life is a challenge in itself; to put myself out there on my own is frightening!

I know Mark99 I don't want to take the adventure to change my life, but I must.  I am encouraged by your words as your journey has defined you.   

I seem to be looking into the future instead of living one day at a time.  I am worried about the winter months and shouldn't.  As Avery would have said, "everything will be fine" and he was always right. 

Thank you again for your support.

Jane
 
Réponse de Mark99
09 août 2012, 15 h 08

This may be of interest. It is an article on being alone vs. being lonely. Interesting insights I thought I would share.
 
Réponse de Mark99
09 août 2012, 15 h 29


http://tiny.cc/d64riw

 Sorry all here is a better link. Thank you colleen

 
 
Réponse de Cath1
15 août 2012, 21 h 16

Dear Jane (PPP):

I'm checking in with you today to see how life is treating you this week. My daughter's wedding took place over this past weekend so I had not been posting for a few days, but I hope you know you are never far from my thoughts.

Please write if and when you feel able to share what's happening in your world. Remember, you are not alone as your experience with grieving continues.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1        
 
Réponse de PPP
16 août 2012, 12 h 03

Hi Cath1


I keep replying and if I'm not careful, I hit the return on my computer and it kicks me out.

My thoughts were with you at your dauther's wedding last weekend and I am sure it was a cherished moment for you!

I did read Mark99 reply alone vs lonely.  It made sense, but unfortunately after 42 years, I have to adjust to just being alone never mind lonely.  Those two emotions are entwined together making the task even greater. 

I have been reading the "Grieving Recovery Handbook" and it is helping.  Trying to just relax, and that seems to be the hard part.  I can only concentrate on one thing for a limited time and have to move on to something else.  

I am reaching out to people as they are to me, just doesn't fill the heartbreak I feel right now.  Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief as they say.  

Thank you for your reply and concern, much appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Jane
 
17 août 2012, 11 h 47

Hi PPP,
I'm sorry that you were having troubles replying. Can you please send me an email at colleen [at] virtualhospice.ca and explain what was happening when you used the return or enter key?
We'll look in to it.
Thanks
Colleen
 


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