Good Morning!

Please forgive my absence and the length of time it has taken to respond.  I hope that you are doing well. How are the renos coming along Tracie? Your daughter sounds like an incredible young woman....good for her for graduating and persevering!

First off, let me say that my daughter's communion was beautiful and I am sure she was being watched over from above also. It was hard not to allow myself to dwell and become too emotional on such a happy day. I missed my parents so much that day....they woud be so proud.

My son graduated from grade 8 last month and I found that incredibly emotional for me. Not only because I am a very proud Mom and that he is growing up...but again the missing family members pulled constantly on my heart.

As you may recall, I had decided to keep the store operating until around Thanksgiving. Well, I have to say, it takes every shred of strength most days...I am so close to just closing it now, it takes a whole lot of self talk to keep going. It is very difficult to keep doing something that you just don't have the heart to do.  I am so tired of talking to people and feeling that I need to justify everything. I have always been more on the private, introverted side.

I am only open a few days a week and it still seems horrendous at times. That is hard for a lot of people to comprehend...it's just who I am. Ironically, since I have opened there have been issues nearly every week that have made me have to close for a day or more. If not a squirrel, then illness, then graduation, then our well died and we had no water....etc....

How can I not see it all as a sign of someone trying to show me that I should not be doing this? Crazy? Maybe I am hoping they are signs????

At least, I can finally say that I no longer care what anyone else will think of my decision to close when I announce it. I realize more every day that I need to do what is best for me and my family.

Everyone said the first year after their death would be the hardest...and it was very hard, but this last month I have been having a very hard time. Almost as if it has suddenly all become real and now I have to actually accept it. Does anyone else feel that way?

Thanks for listening again....

I hope you all have a good day!

Paula

Thank you ladies for your speedy replies. I am so glad to have found this place that I know I can turn to whenever I need to vent and receive such kind support.

We have rented a cottage and are actually taking a family vacation for a week next week! I cannot wait! It has been nearly 5 years since we have done a real holiday together. It is much needed and long overdue.

I have several ideas floating around in my head as to when/how to close the store and have decided that next week I will just relax and try to recharge and be "quiet" so that perhaps I can be more open to my true feelings/calling. Hopefully, it will be like they say and that what you are seeking comes to you when you stop trying and thinking about it too hard.  It's like finding love...you look and look...and when you just stop and instead enjoy yourself...it shows up!

I am not the same person and that is so right. A year ago, I may not have understood it, but I see now how I have and am changing. I never knew I was this strong.

I think the toughest thing to accept is that I made a mistake trying to relocate instead of just closing at Christmas and now I am locked into a lease until next year (Feb 2015). Oh well, I suppose on the other hand, maybe I needed to try this to really be sure and know in my heart I tried so that I would not always wonder....

Thank you,

Paula

Hello,

Well, we are back from our vacation. It was a wonderful, relaxing holiday and we needed the family time together.

I am somewhat disappointed because I did not have any "Aha" moments while away as I had hoped. I am still struggling with the decisions regarding my future with the business.

But then, maybe it's not as difficult as I am making it. I know I do not want to work retail. I know I am scared to change....but, even more so, I know in my heart that what is most likely stopping me from making this momentous change is the guilt and pain of "laying to rest" something that was a huge part of my Mom. The store was her passion. It was her life and she loved it.

I loved it too...obviously more because I was so fortunate to be able to go to work in a creative and nurturing environment with my Mom - my best friend.

It is in ending this branch of the business that is so hard because it is saying good bye...again!

I wonder, if I didn't have the lease holding me...would I stay? Hmm....probably not. I would have just started my online business from home and been happy with the flexibility it offers.

Another thing I am struggling with is my house. I find that I am back and forth as to whether I can remain here with the memories or if I need to move to another house to start fresh. My sister in law went througha similar situation a few years ago and they repainted and renovated their "in-law suite" 3-4 times but she eventually had to leave. I can totally understand.

So many obstacles and so many decisions...why does it never end!?

My group meetings ended 4 weeks ago. They offer a 2nd course starting September but I am still undecided about attending. I am not sure it helped much.

Hugs,

Paula