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Réponse de lilbear
10 sept. 2014, 16 h 44

Hello,


Just felt like checking in. It has been a busy time getting the kids all back to the school routine. My son started high school this year...I cannot believe he is already that old! Time flies.


I, personally, have never been one of those Mom's that look forward to school starting. I miss them and this year seems even harder. They are into their second week and I am still feeling a bit depressed everyday. The feeling starts as soon as I drop them off.


I am finding that I have no motivation. I have a lot of ideas of things I need/want to do, but I cannot get myself going. I wonder if that is grief and how I can help it or if I can?


I know I talk about the business a lot....but it is a huge weight. I go through so many differing thoughts and I am so scared that I will make the wrong decision and after this "fog" lifts, I will regret it. I realize that I do need to give up the store as it causes me stress and heartache. I still like the idea of doing something online, however, there are days that I just want to forget it all. I want to walk away from the business completely...give up the name (which would be silly as it is established), and start all over or maybe do something completely different- I have no idea what.


I ask myself which is best and healthiest - keeping the memories or trying to erase them by giving up the business? I feel like I am so confused and tired. I just wish someone could give me a peek into my future so I knew which road to take to be happy again. I get so tired of feeling lost.


Last month, my brother contacted me to tell me he was going through a particularly rough time. He has started seeing a therapist and is suffering from severe anxiety. I went to spend some time with him to see how he was myself. We both feel that a heavier "realism" has hit us. It is almost like our brains have now let it all absorb and we are struggling. So, at a time when we had expected some improvement, we are actually feeling worse. Seriosly, when do they get better???


I hope things are better for all of you and that I hear from you soon,


Paula
 
Réponse de NatR
10 sept. 2014, 16 h 58

Hi Paula,

 nice of you to check in - although it sounds like you are having a tough time and I am sorry to hear that.  It's good that you and your brother were able to get together and talk about both of your feelings - after your loss - and at this time in your life. 

Speaking just from my own experience - I feel like I know what you are talking about - it's like "contemplating your navel" or just "deep thinking " about where do I go from here - how do I move on, what if I do the wrong thing...does any of that make sense?

i think as I get older I find that life isn't always easier but I do need time to adjust to change or  make decisions.

i saw Oprah interviewed on tv yesterday and saying a lot of inspiring words that she learned from Maya Angelou ( who I admired) but it just seemed too easy to say - that we rise  above our challenges or loss - that we will overcome - it's easy to say but harder to do.
but I guess those words do matter.

we all want to keep going, even after losing parents spouse child or whatever our  circumstance is.
we need that faith, that hope, but it seems to take awhile

please don't give up , hold onto your faith and family - it's important to keep support around us

sending you  my thoughts
so glad you checked in:)
i do believe that your future will unfold one step at a time
my wish for you 
hugs NatR 

 
 
Réponse de marstin
11 sept. 2014, 17 h 22

Hi Paula and Nat,

Your words are like an echo that happens within my mind Paula. That 'stuck' feeling is a difficult one to handle. I have tried very had to figure out the 'why' to it and have just learned to accept it as best that I can. Trying to explain it to others is almost impossible. I took the last month or so off from working on this house and started going for coffee with some new friends instead. Even with the clock ticking and my money running low, I could not motivate myself to get back at it. On the 2 year anniversary of my Mom's passing (Sept.6) I saw that my Mom's house was for rent and pounced on it. I got it! That motivated me to get to work on this place again because the move date was Oct.1st. Sadly the guy changed his mind within 2 days ( a bit of a flake) and as disappointing as it was I didn't slow down and set up a meeting with a realtor to see what she thought our place was worth. Not impressed with what she had to say, a friend mentioned another one that was really good and he came over yesterday and quoted me a price about $30,000 more. I think he is the one as he sells a house about every 8 days and is well respected. He's also going to try to find us a place to rent in the area. As long winded as that was, I guess my point is that it's not always a bad thing to feel stuck. Maybe it's our angels telling us to be patient because better things are coming and we need to not pressure ourselves so much. When the right opportunity comes along you will know why you were unable to motivate yourself. Does that make any sense to you? Yes, I'm sure that grief is a huge factor in all of this. It's a long and bumpy road but you will make it Paula. You have come so far and a year from now, this may all make sense to you.

Knowing that your brother is suffering the same as you must in a sense bring you some consolation that you are not losing it. This is normal, at least for those of us who have suffered double blows. In my new friend group is a guy that used to go the same place that Len and I met and we recognized each other. His wife passed away suddenly about 5 years ago and we have had some long conversations about our losses and how our kids have dealt with them and I think it has done a world of good for both of us to talk about it to someone who understands. Our friendship has become something I treasure and although I don't know if it will ever go further than that, it has opened me up to the possiblilities that my life might not be over at all but just beginning. It all takes time and patience with ourselves. Leave the expectations to others as to where you should be in the grieving process and allow yourself to just be where you are at this point. You're going to get through this.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de lilbear
24 sept. 2014, 20 h 57

Hello!


Well, things have progressed some...I am happy to let you know that I put an announcement in the store window the day after I had posted on here. I have officially announced that the store is now closed and that I am currently working on a website/online shopping....and to watch for future clearance sales!


It was rather bittersweet. I felt a lot of relief...and some sadness. It does feel better to have it done and decided on though.


I am now trying to decide whether to stress about the website before Christmas or perhaps just take these next couple of months to breathe. There is so much I want to do to fix up the house and since I am uncertain as to whether I will be staying or moving (due to emotional reasons), these improvements and renovations should be addressed.


I am 2 weeks into the Grief recovery group 2 through my local hospice, and although I think the program has good ideas and intentions, I just don't know if I am going to stay. I seem to be the odd one out of the group - everyone else has lost a spouse. I am contemplating seeking out a therapist for 1:1 counselling instead. I hate to leave the people in my group as most were also in the first group...but I have to remember that they are not my main reason for going...I am my main reason!


Today...I decided to start doing things for me again! I have an amazing friend that pointed out to me that I needed to be more selfish! How's that?! LOL!  I joined Weight watchers...another significant step for me, especially since this was also something that my Mother and I used to do together. It as odd to go alone...


That is all for now....


Talk soon,


Paula
 
Réponse de marstin
24 sept. 2014, 22 h 51

Hi Paula,

It's good to hear that you are taking steps in the direction that you believe is right for you. I have found so often along this journey that when you listen to others opinions on how to do things, you forget to listen to your inner self. I often wonder if maybe that's what our lesson is from all of this, finding ourselves and trusting our own choices. I found this even when it came to deciding who I was going to list my house with. Should I stay with the realtor that sold us this house and that has been waiting for me to sign the papers or should I interview a few others also. I chose the latter. The third person seemed to be the right choice as he came up with the same number that I've had in my head all along and offered many extra's that will save me quite a bit of money. I emailed the original one and kindly explained my decision and her response started out good until she threw in that Len had thought she  was the right one for me. I was insulted and was glad of the choice that I had made. I have yet to list the house but I'm getting very close now.

Follow your heart Paula. If you would rather focus on your home for now and are able to do it, then be at peace with it. No one else has the right answer for you.

You are so right when you say that you are in therapy for yourself. It is all about you and although you may have made friends within your group, if it's not working for you then you need to find something that does.

It does feel incredible to start putting yourself first in many ways and letting others adjust to the new you. My daughters went through a bit of a shock when I started going out every evening for coffee with my new group of friends but they've gotten used to it now. My oldest even sometimes comes along with me to listen in on the conversations although I'm sure she gets quite bored at times.

Recently, on the 2 year anniversary of my Mom's passing (sept.6), I was looking at houses to rent and out jumped her house that we had sold last year.  I thought it was meant to be and pounced on it. What better place to be while we waited to sell our house. Two days later the guy changed his mind and decided that he wanted very short term tenants. Since he hadn't accepted the cheque yet, I couldn't say too much. I thought it would be more devestating than it was. Maybe it was because the house didn't feel the same anymore. All of the carpeting had been taken out, the beautiful flower beds in the front had been totally cleared out and the spirit of the house had changed so much. Maybe also, after having had so many let downs in the past 2 years, I just don't trust the same as I used to or allow myself to feel as deeply. I continue to look for a home for the girls and I and I just know that the right one will come along at the right time. I guess I'm just used to the twists and turns that life throws at us.

I believe that as long as you continue to listen to the inner you, you will find the path that you are supposed to follow.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de KathCull_admin
15 oct. 2014, 16 h 33

Hello everyone,
Reading your posts, I thought you might be interested in contributing to a thread Colleen started I never thought I'd be thankful for .


Congratulations on the decisions you have made and are making Paula and Tracie – it sounds like they have been a little scary but freeing as well.


Take care


Katherine
 
Réponse de marstin
23 nov. 2014, 16 h 20

Hi Paula,

Just thought I'd take a minute and find out how you are doing. Time goes by so quickly. Now that you have closed the store, have you decided how to move forward in regards to the business? Are you still considering selling your home?

I still don't have my home on the market. My brother in law has been coming over twice a week to help clear things out of here. We've made lots of progress but I find that I have trouble staying motivated. If it weren't for him I don't think I would get anything done. I am so tired of this. Now with Christmas just around the corner I am trying to find some holiday spirit but not really feeling it. If only I could get away for awhile. I think I could recharge my batteries and feel a little more enthusiastic. It looks like we will be spending Christmas on our own this year. My nephew and his wife normally hold Christmas there every second year but instead they did Thanksgiving this year. My niece has dropped out of our lives and of course my brother and I don't even speak to each other so I guess that leaves us alone. It's hard to look back to Christmas's past to when there would be about 12 of us gathered around the dinner table and now there's just the 3 of us. I mostly feel bad for my daughters who could use some family love and only have me to give that to them.

Well, enough of my pity party. Please drop a line when you have a chance and let me know how you are doing.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de KathCull_admin
07 févr. 2015, 0 h 25

Hello, 
It's been some time since I posted on this thread. Any new developments on a website Paula?  Tracie did you find anywhere that is reasonably priced to recharge your batteries? Like you NatR, I too find as I get older I need to think a little more about changes and decisions. It used to be so easy....

A new member LostNL posted to how do you go on  this evening. Her mother died just over a year and a half ago and she is wondering if how she is feeling/thinking is normal. 

Could I ask you to consider responding to her thread. I know that life moves on - and this may not be for you right now.

I wish you all a peaceful evening.
Katherine 
 
Réponse de lilbear
24 juin 2015, 13 h 51

Hello...


It has been a long time since I have written...


To update:  I have closed the retail store and have put inventory in a sort of storage/workshop unit.


I needed a break to try to think about how I feel and where I want to take this...if anywhere...


Months have passed, and I would love to say I have clarity, but I do not.  Some days i feel very certain of my decisions and others, I just cannot decide anything.


My thoughts and plans right now are to dissolve the company completely. I feel like I cannot "measure up" to what once was my Mom's business.  I need to make a fresh start.


I am trying to choose a new name for the business and just keep it relatively small so that I can take care of the accounting, etc instead of paying the exhorbitant amounts I pay out now to an accountant because it is an incorporated business. I know, to some it may seem senseless to start over instead of staying with a name that is somewhat known...but I think I need to make it mine. I don't feel like it is me any more. I feel like it was "us" or, more so, it was my Mom!


I will then hopefully pursue the website....one step at a time...although I am getting anxious and bored and need to do something productive again.


The one point I find myself constantly struggling with is the thought that I am "trashing" what my Mom worked at for so many years and the fact that she left the business to me and I am "throwing" it away...


Is is okay to move on like this? Is it disrespectful?


I'm so used to having my Mom give me advice, that this is a very odd position for me.


It's hard to know what is okay.... I know that she's not here, but I don't want to hurt her feelings..does that make sense??


I hope things are going well - or atleast better - for you all.


Take care and thanks for letting me vent,


Paula


 
 
Réponse de KathCull_admin
27 juin 2015, 18 h 20

Hi Paula
Good to hear from you again.

You knew your mother so well - what do you think she would be telling you now? From what you have said about her - and knowing mothers - I wonder if your happiness and peace of mind wouldn't be the most important thing to her. 

Sometimes writing down what I am thinking and feeling helps to give clarity as well - I hope it has for you. You can see where you came from, how you made decisions and what you need in the future.

New opportunities for you Paula - did your mother like those too?

Take care 
Katherine



 


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