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Réponse de Diana2012
20 juil. 2012, 13 h 03

Hi Colleen,

I'm not sure what happened to my last post.  My mother-in-law returned home from the hospital the next morning.  She had to get drained twice this week.  She went to her oncologist yesterday and he told her that things were not looking too good for her, this news made her sink into a deeper depression.  She is starting a new alternative treatment so we all have our fingers crossed and out hopes up...that's the best we can do for now.
  
 
20 juil. 2012, 14 h 25

Did the oncologist recognize your MIL's depression and address it? Was you MIL referred to palliative care? Perhaps you should ask about it.

Palliative care teams include social workers as well as doctors, nurses, spiritual advisors, volunteers and more. And these team members are there to help answer questions and care for family members as well as the patient. You can read more about palliative care here: What is Palliative Care? 

You can use our Ask a Professional service to ask our clinical nurse specialist about palliative care options in your area. Or search using our Programs & Service locator.
Colleen
 
Réponse de Diana2012
20 juil. 2012, 14 h 48

The oncologist did not recognize her depression. Palliative care has not been discussed by anyone. I have mentioned, to my husband, that talking to a spritual advisor and/or social worker might be a good idea for the family and his mom.  He doesn't see the benefits of doing so.  For him talking with family is good enough.  My husband feels that his mom cannot handle talking about the 'truth', this will sink her into a deeper depression.  Family memebers have not been able to visit my mom b/c she doesn't want people seeing her and the family thinks that out of the oridinary visitor's will only confirm 'death' in my MIL's eyes.
 
Réponse de Cath1
20 juil. 2012, 15 h 21

Dear Diana2012:

Thanks so much for writing back and updating us! It sounds like your husband's family, like many families unfortunately, prefer denial to acceptance. I am so sorry that you must witness your MIL's situation and feel helpless to intervene!

In my own broader family I have heard that very suggestion about not sending visitors to the ill or dying loved one in case they "catch on" and it bothered me. I understand that people want to protect a person and not upset them unnecessarily, but in my mind by avoiding the truth we lose so many opportunities to help the person - and ourself - come to terms with their situation and to make peace with it and with others they love and who love them. I would want no regrets about things left unsaid when I'm gone, but that's just me.

When my Mom went to hospital - she was only there a week - mid-week a palliative doctor was summoned and she counselled me and our whole family. What a Godsend! My Mom was not fully aware of the palliative approach taken per se, but I definitely had many chances and took them to speak openly with her about dying as I assured her that she need not worry about me and my brothers and her grandchildren. It gave us the chance to express to one another our deepest feelings of love and even though my Mom was not able to communicate her feelings and understanding in words (she had dementia) I could see in her eyes, in her smiles and in her tears during our many deep conversations that she felt grateful and happy to hear the truth. Thankfully, the experience left me with no regrets as my Mom had always said if she was dying she would want to know.

My Mom in her younger and healthier years often spoke to me about death and dying, and it was a subject that she believed should be spoken about and faced openly. Talking about it with my Mom over the years helped me to accept her death when the time actually came. I still often relive her words of wisdom in my mind and they comfort my heart as I remember her loving and brave acceptance of the Nature of life and death, its mysteries and dimensions.

We cannot avoid death by avoiding the conversation and we will not hasten it by talking about it, but when a person cannot speak about dying I think that causes them to feel isolated, lonely and afraid and that is so sad and unfortunate. I guess you will just have to accept that your MIL and your husband and their family are not ready or willing to approach the situation differently. You need to focus on your feelings as well, as I imagine you will need support too and will need to find ways to support your MIL's and your husband's decisions in the best way you can.

I hope others here will have some suggestions for you Diana2012.

Thinking of you today and hoping and praying that a breakthrough in communication, support and help for your MIL and all the family will evolve.

With affection - hugs - xo
Cath1     
 
Réponse de Charneypam
04 août 2012, 23 h 05

Hi Diana2012 - I am Charneypam.  I have been reading this thread and feel so sorry for what you are going through.  I can certainly sympathize having just lost my aunt in April - she was like me second mom and was there for me always.  How are you doing?  How is your MIL?  My aunt went through some depression as well - not to the extent that your MIL is but everyone is different.  I have suffered through depression myself and know how sometimes being alone feels like the only answer.  If you feel that your MIL's doctor should know then I suggest that you do it in confidence and ask the doctor not to mention that you said anything - the doctor can casually ask your MIL how she has been feeling emotionally.  I feel that being depressed is like being an alcoholic - no one can help you until you are ready to be helped (that's just my opinion).  Your MIL must feel like no one understands what she is feeling and going through (that is what my aunt used to tell me) and she is right.  I myself would continue to comfort her and let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to talk.  In the meantime you need to look after your emotional well-being.  Reach out to others - there may be someone through palliative care that you can talk to and help you deal with the stages that your MIL is and will go through both physically and emotionally.  When my aunt was sick I was constantly reading about her illness on the internet.  I would keep the information to myself but at least it prepared me somewhat.  I would be honest with my aunt and tell her "I don't know what to say to make you feel better" - she appreciated that and would tell me "I don't want you to say anything - just listen when I want to talk".  Ask your MIL what you can do for her.  My aunt was very independent and said that she didn't want to be a burden on anyone - we had to allow her to do things on her own because that made her feel good and useful - even if we knew what she was doing wasn't good for her and she would suffer for it the next day.  That was her decision and who were we to take away her independence and purpose.  My aunt's time was limited and she wanted it to be quality time and as long as she was of sound mind and able to make her own decisions (which she did right up until the day she passed) then the family honoured her decisions.  There were times when we thought she should be taking stronger pain meds or that she shouldn't be hiding things from her doctor (which she did the whole time) but we weren't the ones with cancer - she was and it was her body.  My aunt and my experience may be totally different than yours but I wanted to reach out to you and share a little of what I recently went through and let you know that you are not alone - hang in there.
Charneypam xoxo
 
14 août 2012, 15 h 01

Hi Charneypam,

Welcome back to the forums. I really appreciate your sharing your experience with your aunt. While everyone's situation is unique, there are often similarities from which we can draw upon. Your message is not only helpful for Diana, but for others reading these messages who may find themselves in a similar circumstance.
Thank you.

Diana,
How are you? It has been a while since we heard from you. This is just a little note to let you know that we are here whenever you may need us. Take care.
Colleen
 
Réponse de Diana2012
14 août 2012, 15 h 08

Hi everyone,

I'm sad to say that my MIL passed away on August 2nd.  She was admitted to the hospital and was there for 11 long days.  During the last few days I feel as though my MIL was suffering and we were all definitely suffering as we watched her slowly leave us. It was an absolutely horrible experience for the entire family.  She went down hill farely quickly and I do beleive that her depression played a huge part. 
I wish this sorrow and pain upon no one.
 Cry
 
14 août 2012, 15 h 26

Dear Diana,

My sincere condolences. Thank you for taking the time to update us. I know this journey has been difficult and that it has put family dynamics and values under the microscope. I'm sure you have many questions and reflections now and as you and your family work through their grief. I'll repeat my earlier message - we are here if you would like to talk at any time.

In the meantime, you may find some of the articles in our Topics section to be useful. I'll point out these ones that may be most pertinent in the days to come:
Take care Diana. My thoughts are with you.
Colleen 
 
Réponse de Charneypam
14 août 2012, 15 h 35

I am so sorry Diana2012 to hear about your MIL's passing.  I am sure that it was a very difficult time for you - just remember that she is in a better place and no longer in pain.  I am sure you have lots of thoughts, regrets and guilt running through your mind as I do about my Aunt (it was one year ago yesterday that I took her to emergency for stomach pain and she was diagnosed with her bowel cancer) - I spent alot of time yesterday reliving that day and how we laughed because she didn't want to go to the hospital because she said they were only going to tell her that she was constipated...or in her words..."full of sh*t".  I remember standing beside her bed while they gave her the diagnosis and then taking her home and calling the family.  It's strange how it seems so long ago but yet it feels like it was just yesterday.  Take one day at a time and don't beat yourself up over your emotions - let them flow freely - you are entitled.  Thanks Colleen for posting the links to the grief articles - I am going to print them out and read them and then pass them along to my mother (my aunt's sister - who suffered a heart attack the week after my aunt's burial - she too is struggling with the loss of her sister and also having to deal with her own immortality after her heart attack - we all feel we are invincible or immortal until such a tragic event occurs in our life or in someone's life who is close to us).  Thanks to everyone on this forum for your constant care and understanding.
Charneypam
 
Réponse de Cath1
15 août 2012, 15 h 49

Dear Diana2012:

I feel so sad to hear of your mother-in-law passing away so recently. From your note I understand that her passing was very hard on her family of which you are a very dear part, no doubt. Please accept my sincere sympathies as I extend them to you and all those grieving your mother-in-law's death.

It is very, very hard to watch someone you love suffer and to die while feeling helpless to do something to alleviate their pain or to save them. You will always know how much you tried to help your mother-in-law as you were there for her and for your husband and the rest of her family as they struggled to accept her illness and its inevitable outcome. I know you will continue to be the anchor of your family as you all grieve together, yet each in your own time and on your own terms, in your own personal way. Diana2012, take all the time you need.

Your care and concern for your mother-in-law was and remains most touching, and I am sure even though she was unable to express openly her feelings with many others, or accept help for her depression, she unquestionably felt your loving presence beside her throughout her painful journey and was soothed by you, Diana2012. 

You gave her your heart and made her feel less lonely in her suffering. What a gift you were to your mother-in-law and to your husband and family as you tried so hard to help them put a voice to their sadness. You helped them so much and though you may not yet be able to see or accept it, you and your loving kindness made a great difference to them all!

I'm praying that you and your family will be enveloped by hope and eventually by peace as you mourn, and as life continues I hope you will find the resilience you need and that you will find comfort in your memories of happier times. 

As you come to grips with everything that has happened and as you confront your own deeply sorrowful feelings about your mother-in-law's passing, please feel welcome to return to us any time you need a shoulder to cry on or a hand to help uplift your hurting heart.

With affection -hugs- xo
Cath1  
   


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