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Réponse de Melinda
22 févr. 2014, 2 h 19

Hello! Things have been really busy around here....feeling very tired and stressed.
The appointment with the chemo Doctor did not go well.  It was nothing the Doctor said, it was what he did not say (if you know what I mean). They are not even bothering to weigh him anymore...and just recommended he increase his boost intake (which he is not doing). The Doctor is offering him one more treatment of chemo (next Wednesday) and then he told us he would see Stan again. (So no mention of anymore chemo) and we were told a year ago that the chemo would eventually quit working...kind of wondering if we are nearing this point. Stan still does not realize he is getting palliative chemo..the rose coloured glasses are really rosy!
When did Len realize he was going to die? Do they ever realize it, or does it just happen?
Anyway as I mentioned I have not felt this stressed in months...The waiting for something to happen is just awful...I wish it was all over so the stress would go away! Thanks for thinking of me Tracie. Its a comfort for someone to ask how I am doing. Though a dear friend of mine said I needed a break....so we are going to spend a day together soon and just go shopping and out for a nice lunch...or something like that. I think she kind of "forced" me to agree lol! The situation we are in can be so consuming.  Melinda X0
 
Réponse de marstin
22 févr. 2014, 3 h 25

Hi,

The unspoken is often the hardest thing to take. For Len, I think the impact was when we went to back to the cancer agency and the doctor gently said that there was no more that they could do. We had joked with the hospital transport guy on the way there (he was in hospital at that time) and on the way back we were extremely quiet. After he got Len back up to his room, he came outside where I was having a smoke, and questioned the swing in moods. All he could say after that was 'God bless you' and walked away with tears in his eyes. Still though, you never quit hoping I think. Sometime's miracles happen and Len wanted that one miracle to be his. I think we all fight to survive so it's never over until it's over. Hope keeps them going.

The lessening of the intake of food and drink is normal.  We tried everything possible to encourage Len to take in calories but he had no interest as time went on. Don't feel guilty if you can't make him drink it. There comes a point where the body does not need anything and no matter what you try, it will not work. Hard thing to accept because we want them to keep trying even if they don't want to.

I can imagine how stressful this all is for you. You go through the motions of living but you are exhausted and don't know what there still is to come before things come to an end. We quietly suffer and as they sleep, we watch and wonder what life will be like when they're gone.

How nice of your friend to think of you and want to take you out for the day. It might do you some good to be able to focus on something other than the situation at home. My only respite was long talks with the male nurse we had, we bacame very close friends, and my daily trips to my mom's to take her for groceries or whatever she needed. I wish I'd had a friend to take me away from it all for a few hours.

Hang in there. I'm here anytime you want to share.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de Melinda
23 févr. 2014, 22 h 58

HI There! Stan is doing a bit better the past few days. Eating slightly more and not sleeping as much...seems to be alot of ups and downs! I still have alot of anxiety and now I am getting small panic attacks. My Doctor did say to try increasing my anti depression pills but that I would not feel the effect for a couple of weeks.....so I quess I just have to wait it out.
And I am dreading the day the Doctor has to say "There is nothing more we can do"...I cannot imagine how you and Len felt that day...it makes me feel so bad. And I know they always have hope...but to us, the reality is so darned hard to deal with...we know they don't have much time left.  I remember well the day the surgeon told us he could not operate. I cried all the way home in the car and Stan was comforting me. It was like someone had punched me in the stomach! That was when I accepted he would die...Stan is not there yet and probably never will be.  And I am not nagging him about eating...the last thing I want to do is get annoyed over something he cannot help...thought of course I did do everything at one point to get him to eat...not anymore. Thanks again Traci for your words and wisdom. They mean alot.
Melinda X0
 
Réponse de marstin
24 févr. 2014, 2 h 19

Hi,

It's difficult not to feel anxious when your life feels like a roller coaster. You try not to get too down but you also know what the reality is and it's difficult to be positive. As Len became sicker I found myself drawn to the outdoors. It was spring though at that time. I started working in the flower gardens ( I had never done that before) and developed a real passion for it. It was so soothing and peaceful. Even after he passed away my passion continued and I would feel so calm. Is there something that you maybe enjoy doing that would take your mind off of things a bit? Do you knit or paint or anything that might take your mind off of what's going on?

Today would have been our 25th Anniversary. It has been a quiet day in our house. Having had time to heal a bit, I think if someone were to offer me the opportunity to spend those final days with him again I would jump at the chance. I remember the feeling of acceptance and resignation. How you just go through the motions and yet in some ways it just doesn't seem possible that we will lose them. I remember how I sorted it out in my mind that if the time came that I felt I couldn't do it anymore that I would put him in care for his final days. In some ways I was like a robot. I don't think I could even cry. Fortunately, I never had to make that choice.

Try to enjoy the time you have while he is still able to talk to you and connect in some way. It's those little moments that will help carry you through the darkest hours and bring you some comfort.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de marstin
02 mars 2014, 21 h 25

Hi Melinda,

I've been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. Did your increase in medication start to kick in and alleviate some of your feelings of anxiety? I have suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life so I understand how frightening it can be. Unfortunately, my daughters also are prone to panic attacks. I guess it's hereditory for us.

How's Stan feeling? Any changes this past week? I hope you are finding moments of peace as you move along this path.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de Melinda
03 mars 2014, 0 h 53

Hi Traci
Things have been quiet around here. Stan had chemo last Wednesday and he always does so much better after. More cheerful and making an effort to eat. He is down to 143 pounds and the nurse was after him to eat more...then she pulled me aside to give me advice. I finally told her I could lead a horse to water but I could not make him drink. She agreed he is a big boy and able to be responsible for his actions. Its impossbile to make him eat. I lightly praise when he does manage to eat and don't nag. I have been making an effort to be more positive and pleasant. I did buy a "juicer" and he is enjoying the fruit juices very much...so yeah!!!
I keep forgetting to increase my anti depression medication ...but I seem to have pulled out of whatever was going on..like Stan I am having my ups and downs!  I think too we are all so fed up with winter! Here in Ontario it is just not giving up!! Big snow storm on Saturday...unbelievable! So March came in like a lion and hopefully out like a lamb.
I have not found a passion yet. I do knit but find my concentration has been awful this past year, so I have not bothered. I do read alot and that helps. I would love to garden also (like you) but we do not have any landscraping done yet...and who knows when that will happen now. It is something I can look forward too for the future. I did start some herbs under lights and will start some flowers for the deck soon.
I find my life in "limbo" now. I do not feel I can start anything or do anything until it is all over..feel stuck. Did you find that?  Thanks Traci..you always make me look at what is going on and reply to you! Melinda  X0
 
Réponse de marstin
03 mars 2014, 4 h 16

Hi Melinda,

Quiet is sometimes a good thing. It's good to hear that you pointed out to the nurse that there is only so much you can do to make Stan eat. For awhile we were able to get Len to take in milkshakes, frosty's, things like that. Mango drinks became his passion and to this day I can't even think of mango without feeling repulsed by it. I don't think I'll ever get past it. At least you are finding ways to get some calories into Stan. Kudos to you for that. It's all hit and miss but as long as you're finding things it's great. The fact that you understand your limitations is helpful so that you aren't completely stressed over it.

It's hard to be anywhere except in limbo at this time. I found that in many ways life stands still and you just do what has to be done. It's a strange feeling, almost like you're standing on the outside of your life. In some ways it seems real and yet a part of you just doesn't quite understand what's going on. I believe it is the grieving process that makes a person feel this way.

I keep hearing about how bad it's been in Ontario this year. Even here in BC it's been a colder, snowier year than we're used to. It just seems like a much longer winter season for some reason and I think everyone is praying for the warmth of the sun and the ability to shed some layers of clothing. How nice it would be to throw open the windows and air the house out.

Reading is a good escape if you can concentrate on it. I couldn't seem to do it. This past summer I forced myself out onto our deck that we never used, and armed with a book, forced myself to sit and bask in the sun and read. I was so proud of myself when I managed to make it through an entire book. It had been so long since I was able to do that and put all of my cares and worries aside for a short while. I think you have to find what will work for you and just do it.

Do you write at all? In my younger years I was a writer and put all of my thoughts and fears onto paper. I think that is what I love about this forum is the ability to put your thoughts into words and it seems to relieve so much stress. I know for some people it makes them feel somewhat vulnerable but it is a safe place to share the many emotions that can overwhelm us. I remember back to when I first joined and how nervous I was to give a voice to the pain I was going through. I have found so much comfort here and when the loneliness sweeps over me, I know I have a place to go and share it. So often people around us really don't understand how deep the pain is. On here it is validated and makes it so much easier to deal with. I am so glad that you are able to keep sharing with me and asking questions. It also helps me heal as I bring out bits that I have forgotten and re-examine them with a clearer mind. I don't know if that makes sense to you but talking to you bring me comfort too.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de Melinda
04 mars 2014, 11 h 41

Life took a difficult turn yesterday. He is very cross with me because I am getting upset about the mess and money spent on his "buddy" who is putting up drywall, etc..in the basement.
I (crossly myself) had added up the money spent on this fella since November 21st. I showed it to Stan and said we could have hired a professional and had the job done in two weeks.
Instead it is dragging on for months (sound familiar Tracie). The buddy is an alcoholic who works just enough to buy beer. Stan has been obliging him and buying the beer plus the cigarettes. So they drink and smoke down there all day. The house smells awful. Okay enough from me...off my chest (thanks for encouraging me Tracie!!) I realize the winter is getting to us, the time is long for him and I am not home much.
He had chemo last week and it has not worked much. He is still not eating and had nothing yesterday. He expressed disappointed that he is not feeling better. (rose coloured glasses again) oh and we cannot forget that it is Tax Time...every year he gets so upset over something that we cannot control. So the next week or so he will be ignorant and nasty...very hard to tolerate. I find that I cannot reason with him the past year. He will agree about something and then do whatever he wants in the long run...opps I am trying to hide my anger about the way he is behaving. I found myself wishing he was gone this morning and all the anger and stress and smoke and drinking gone with him. Makes me want to cry that he is this way and I feel very unappreciated.  I realize when he is gone I will wish for him back...but I sure don't feel like that now...I want it all over with and I want him gone.
 
Réponse de marstin
04 mars 2014, 15 h 40

Hi Melinda,

I can see that by looking at the time you wrote this that's it must have been a sleepless night for you. I can feel how stressed you are. I must admit it brings back so much for me. In the final 2 years that Len was here it was like his brain went on vacation. He had so many half done projects around here and it drove me crazy. The stubborness. Grrr! I remember buying a beautiful entertainment stand and he decided that he wanted to tear down the little wall as you go up the stairs and bolt the stand into the floor in it's place. The fight that ensued was not pretty. Of course he did what he wanted and then never completed the project which no one seems to know how to fix. So many projects started and none of them finished. Stan's buddy so reminds me of the guy I fired. I would question things and his standard answer was 'It is what it is' or 'If it was my place it would be okay'. Many months, so much money and shoddy workmanship. It still brings out the anger in me.

I can imagine how stressful this all is for you with the drinking and smoking and no concern for how it affects you. The fact that he wouldn't give up the beer to help himself tells me that he appears to be an alcoholic and is on a self destructive course. It's hard to accept that there is nothing you can do if he won't help himself. Just a thought, have you ever considered going to Al Anon meetings? I used to go when Len first quit drinking because as sober as he was, his basic personality stayed the same and enraged me so much. It was me that needed the help as much as he did. He was doing fine but I wasn't.

The anger....let it out. You don't need to candy coat it, you need to release it and it's okay to do that here. I know how angry I was as time went on and the ability to reason with him on so many matters, just wasn't there. When you mention the income tax, I cringe. Len was the king of not doing his and left me with a huge mess that I have to clean up. I've just finally finished with my mom's estate after a year of hell and guess who's calling me.... the tax man. Len left a huge debt on that which has been hanging over my head and now I have to figure out how to deal with it and where the money is going to come from to make it go away. It makes me sick. It has scared me so badly since he passed away. I will be relieved to finally get out from under it and not be afraid to answer the phone.

Know that you are not alone and that venting releases some of the rage you are feeling inside. Most lives are not sunshine and flowers although to the outside world it may appear to be. This cancer journey is a difficult one but in time it will be over and you will be able to breathe again and start rebuilding your life. Hang in there my friend. I hear you, I feel your pain and I'm here for you.

Hugs,
Tracie
 
Réponse de Melinda
09 mars 2014, 19 h 48

Hello Tracie
Just re-reading what I wrote...boy, I was angry! This is such a safe place to vent. Thank you..from the bottom of my heart. Well the situation with the "buddy" is better... I think me pointing out all the money and time wasted finally sunk in. Even though Stan was mad, I think the truth hurt. He was actually pushing the buddy this week and its amazing the stuff that got done. The basement is finally getting organized and well on the way to being finished.
Yes, Stan is an alcoholic. He always was a heavy drinker and of course we know how that goes. I have been going to Alanon for years and I also attended open AA meetings. Stan used to always joke that he was the drinker and I went to AA. I have not been back in about four years. I actually was getting ready to leave when he got sick...knowing that he would never change. And of course I could not leave when he was diagnosed with cancer. So I have alot of mixed feelings about it all. When he is acting out I wish he was not here and other times I feel so sorry for him.  Its hard. Stan and I used to be such good friends and had lots of good times together. When the drinking got bad (about 10 years ago) I really missed him. (and still do!)
And now he will die with a beer bottle in hand. Very sad...but he sees absolutely nothing wrong with his drinking (rose coloured glasses again!) and the denial is so stong in him..about everything!
Stan seems to have forgotten about the "taxes"...which is good. I really hope you get out of the mess Len left...I cannot imagine having that hanging over my head. And the sad part is..they will be putting interest on any monies oweing...aren't I just a bearer of good news!! Sorry! YOU will figure it out and then rebuild your own life also!!
We are off to see the chemo Doctor on Thursday. I will touch base with you then and let you know how it goes...til then, have a good week!   Melinda X0


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